vetiveroil

 August 31st, 2026 Yesterday, despite much effort, I still took myself to the gym for a Zone 3 workout. I'm in my Follicular phase, so the output was solid, it almost felt too easy, which is crazy, because I hadn't been to the gym in about 2.5 weeks. Anyway, somewhere along the way, I lost my beautiful 18K gold necklace that I got last September and loved so much. I went back to look for it, no luck.  I had binged the entire weekend prior, spent last week fighting off the urge to binge, and all that led me to feeling fearful that I was turning back to old habits - food as comfort.  I left my phone number and name with the front desk, but I am not sure it'll be returned. I went back to the Etsy vendor I bought it from, only to see their store had been shut down. I've been ina. sour mood since.  I guess there's a few lessons to be learned: Obsessing and rushing over making the right decision is sometimes more detrimental than not acting at all.  If you love someth...

 August 23rd, 2026 After my last entry, I went and did some housework and prepped my breakfast for tomorrow. If I am going to break this binge spiral, I suppose I should really try and return back to my new baseline - which is order and structure, despite whatever else is occurring on in my inner world. In my house.  It's amazing how therapeutic cleaning is for me these days. Anyway, as I sit on my couch, freshly showered, my overpriced candle still burning in my bedroom, and a plate of Penne to my left, I can think of a little bit of what I'd like to write. I guess my trigger this weekend, was less about a particular person , and more so about feeling powerless again . I know that I've done tremendous work on myself, and in my life (my house) - and yet something that occured again felt like being dropped into hardened concrete from thirty stories up. Hard. Excruciating. It was another reminder of how much I still don't have. For instance, my freedom from this damned h...

 August 23rd, 2026 I spent the past 72 hours indulging in some old and familiar habits. Hedonism.  I've been abusing my body with food, and it is catching up with me, I've been bloated non-stop, had 2 prominent dizziness spells over the past twenty four hours, and I can't stop that I can stop.  I almost feel like how I did before my surgery - just a very long out of body experience where nothing is filling that 'void'. I am relying on my weekly structure to break me out of it, so we'll see how I do tomorrow. In addition to the binging, I haven't managed to make it into the gym this weekend. To be honest, I didn't feel like it. This is probably one of the most emotionally tumultuous periods I've experienced. I guess these cycles rob you one way or another. I didn't have excrutiating cramps this time around, but I paid for it in just about every other way - is it the rite of passage? Pain as a sacrifice? Anyway, I got to thinking about myself again...

August 20th, 2026 Today, I had a good day. A great day, actually. One thing I am learning to do, is let the chips fall where they may. I suppose there's immense wisdom in that, as a Central 10 Arcana. There's divinity, even in error (I believe I journaled about this before).  I met with a client today, that new tiny project I was told about. I'm anxious, and yet, this all seems doable. I'm concerned about my current trajectory. My aim was to complete multiple jobs, a lot of experience and scale very quickly. That is not panning out in the manner I had exactly hoped, but studying my own history tells me that at the end of this journey, I'll have the right amount of everything I need to move forward. I just will, so I'll leave it at that. I just have to focus on the right outcomes between now and then. That requires for me to let the chips fall where they may.  I started journaling about the concept of developing an "erotic identity" (not at all my conce...

  August 16th, 2026 Last week was a rush, and I am just now catching up. It's been amazing. Actually, this past week is the most fun or pleasure I've experienced consecutively since April, when I passed my exam. I feel a little (lot) less manic now than I did then, but still a good feeling is lingering.  I, of course, got my Oura ring, which I am thrilled about. I've been making some consolidated efforts to improve my overall sleep, and somehow, the difference is quite noticeable. I will try to be in bed by 11PM, even on the weekends for continuity. I also got some magnesium spray, a Lavender Milk body lotion I am excited to try, and some Neuro "mints" - some sort of melatonin sleep tablet I intend to try tonight. I am concerned about starting my period on Thursday, since, that is also the day I meet a client (a personal friend of the owner of the company I work for now) and this is going to be my first chance to work at a project I can shine in. I'm NERVOUS...

 August 12th, 2026 Today is my twenty-fifth birthday.  I was not thrilled to wake up this morning, and I cried before bed last night. And yet, this morning when I woke up, despite it all, my mom gave me a big hug, and told me I was starting to make her feel old. LOL. My dad messaged me early in the morning, which I was grateful for. So did my friend S. I guess it's so on brand for me given my 11H stellium in this year's solar return chart, but I called up everyone who wished me a happy birthday and thanked them personally. Such a surreal milestone for me to be turning twenty five. I have several things to think about, but right now, I gotta get ready for bed.  When I blew out my birthday candles (all twenty of them my sister littered throughout and her boyfriend lit), I asked for all of the wishes I write down to come true. I haven't written them just yet, but I will on Saturday, probably. I'm so grateful for the few pockets of love I received today. God knows I needed ...

​August 11th, 2026 I had a crazy idea just recently (as in, fifteen minutes ago). Labor Day’s right around the corner, I could go on a little weekend trip.  For some reason, Detroit is piquing my curiosity. Seems cold. Cold, but small enough that I wouldn’t feel as lonely as I feel now. Live-able, financially once I pay off 90% of my debts. I said this current chapter was a roughly two year venture for me, I believe that to be true. The next twenty four months, I’ll keep going as I am currently.  I think I’m ready for a different pace of life, though. I keep saying this, but I truly mean it, I think. My life in NY and I guess the East Coast as a whole has been as deep as can be internally, and yet none of that translates outwards. The connections haven’t felt very deep at all. I just feel very sad, and very uninspired. How much longer do you hold out? I’ve held out for 15 years? At what point do you draw a white flag? I’m just about ready to post mine.  I’m questioning wh...

August 9th, 2026 My birthday is quickly approaching! I can't believe soon twenty-four will be distant memory. A year is simply a series of weeks, and that's become so much more evident since I reached adulthood.  I've recently made it a habit to highlight the goals I've accomplished off my physical vision board. It's a visual reminder that I am getting these things that I desire, maybe not all at once, but I am getting them. That feels really good. For instance, I wanted an Oura ring, and my sister got it for me. I wanted to pay off my CC balance, and soon I'll have the means to do that. I'm grateful! Even though I have been tweaking out the past week or so regarding my life, my future, and so on. I am both far from where I want to be, but also, the closest I've ever been so far, and that feels worth the mention. It took a lot to get here. It'll take a lot to get there , but my trajectory seems to support the conclusion that I will get there , event...

August 4th, 2026 I didn’t sleep well last night. When my alarm went off this morning, I had a pit in my stomach, something that could only be described as anxiety. I started writing a fear journal, and I gave up.  Today, I left work with a lump in my throat. I’m wondering if there’s something wrong with me that I can’t quite figure out because it’s so normal to me.  I’m coming up on another birthday, and yet it doesn’t feel that eventful. I keep asking myself how people find the time to do "life" while working full time. I just do not know. It shocks me to hear that people are dating, getting engaged, married, being parents, etc. all while working, and meanwhile my days are filled with trying to reduce the level of friction occuring in my life day to day, and restarting that cycle week in, and week out.  Maybe I am depressed. Today at my dermatology appointment, my derm asked me if I was experiencing any mental health issues as a result of the accutane I've been on since ...

​August 3rd, 2026 Something I’m acutely sensitive to, and really, always have been is the narrative .  Maybe that’s why it’s always been important for me to articulate myself, and to do it well. I guess I realize that the truth is only as accurate as the person telling it, and there’s no one I trust to articulate my narrative better than me. Now that I think about it, it’s one of the biggest reasons why visibility always feels like exposure to me, and that’s uncomfortable. You lose your ability to narrative your story. People can fabricate, or even sense things you’re not too keen on sharing, and the scary part is that it happens without your say-so. It is completely outside of your control. That’s why it’s uncomfortable for me. That’s such a Virgo rising take.  I don't want my narrative misinterpreted, misunderstood, or re-written before my very eyes.  This also means that I am particularly sensitive to feeling misunderstood, to the point where I don't find myself speaki...

 August 2nd, 2026 I started watching Girls on Friday, and it has been so fun.  I miss that whimsy depiction of real life that millennials so perfectly crafted in the 2010s.  I am nostalgic for it, if you will. I was sort of a wreck this weekend, in the sense that I lacked a lot of the structure I pride myself on always keeping, and yet, I've been having so much fun.  Yesterday, I asked myself what exactly it meant to ' have a life ' - like how does that really look. I guess it varies from person to person, but I get the overarching sense that I am not one of those people that has one, and it feels like a shame. Being a Virgo rising is all about work sometimes (Cap 5H) - and I have a love-hate relationship with that.  I keep thinking that someday soon, life is going to pause, and I am going to be able to live it retroactively, and that hasn't happened yet, and clearly won't, so what now? It's absolutely mind boggling to me that in the midst of everything happeni...

August 1st, 2026 Nineteen minutes left in the day, and much to be grateful for... I. This beautiful evening I had with my friend SZ II. The fact that my parents are still around and within reach III. My health and vitality - a vessel through which I can experience life IV. The hard circumstances that I've gone through [relatively] unscathed V.   My basic needs, which do not go unmet VI. The money I have, the means through which I support myself VII. Another year [24] I've lived through VIII. My sister IX. My future, that I fight so very hard for everyday And so much more... - vetiveroil

​August 1st, 2026 Another birthday month, wow.  Feels like just yesterday when I was writing my terms and conditions list for twenty four. I haven’t figured out what that list is comprised of for twenty-five, but that’s a common occurrence, so I’m sure the terms will make themselves known in the coming weeks.  I’m managing semi-well, today. It’s a Saturday. A beautiful, sunny, and warm Saturday. I’m going to dine seaside with a friend in about four hours’ time, so that’s fun. Unfortunately I slept like shit last night (no one’s fault but my own) so I’m spent and it’s only 4PM. I ate a big, sweet breakfast. Then I went and got some bloodwork done for my accutane prescription, then I went to the gym for the first time in weeks. I did some intense cardio, which felt good. I’m off my period now, so I feel 10 lbs lighter. And my appetite is fully loaded, too. Surprisingly I maintained my weight, rather than gaining, which I thought I had.  I am sensing that my body loves this...

July 27th, 2026 Lately I keep finding myself bracing for something to go wrong, and when it does, I always ask myself: What did I do? Is there a blindspot somewhere? Am I not seeing what others aren't seeing and maybe that's why I just leave a bad taste in everyone else's mouth?  You were kind, and warm, and somehow by the end of it all, I turned you cold as ice, and I'll never know why. Or how.  What did I do? I thought I was putting my best foot forward. I thought I was being my best self, and somehow even that didn't stop the stench from hitting the back of your throat.  I think I was putting on my life vest, and maybe I elbowed you in the process.  I stopped afterwards to see that you were okay, but by then, it didn't seem as though you wanted to speak.  I tried to show you that it was an accident, but you'd stopped listening to me by then.  Am I such a rotten girl that I could convert a friend into a bitter foe unknowingly?  Could it be that I hur...

​July 23rd, 2026 I’m oddly clearheaded today.  Maybe it’s the fact that Mercury is on the cusp of stationing direct soon. Maybe it’s because after intense day one cramps yesterday, I’m finally able to enjoy being out of my Luteal phase. Whatever the cause may be, I’m feeling like I’m at another peak, finally, after clawing my way up from another valley.  Yesterday, I spoke with my therapist about my social struggles at work. The conversation, I suppose, can be summarized into an attempt at finding balance,  The one thing my disorganized attachment brain and nervous system is the mostly poorly trained at. I’m very good at traversing extremes, at some point, I think I began to develop an affinity for it. Not because I wanted to, but because after so much practice, I understood it really well.  I mentioned to my therapist that I could understand how I’m subconsciously making people uneasy with my scolding hot or freezing cold temperament, especially when there’s no obvi...

​July 18th, 2026 Last night, as the cough medicine started kicking in, and my eyelids started getting heavy; I started drifting into a fantasy.  It was evening time, we were together in Amsterdam.  I had my back against the railing. Behind me, the water was sparkling from the moonlight above. You leaned in and wrapped your arm around my waist.  I leaned in, and kissed you. It was just us two for a moment, on this planet.  Our planet.  I ran my hand up and down your chest, and your shoulders, and took in the fabric of your shirt. The smell of your skin. I ran my fingers through your hair. You held me close, and I felt myself melting in your embrace.  Cheek against cheek, I just took it in. You and I, entwined by the water. I wish we could stay that way forever .  A lovely evening in Amsterdam, indeed. 

​July 13th, 2026 This morning I woke up feeling a little wired. I went to bed on time, but that didn’t make the difference I hoped it would. I keep reminding myself of this:  There is no where better to be than here, right now.  It’s tempting. Reality is a lot less polished. It’s grittier. There can always be something to improve. Someone to be mad at. I take that bait often. Too often.  7:37PM  I'm home right now. In my bed, belly full, legs sprawled out, with the A/C blasting. Today was quite a day, so I'm letting myself bask in this. I changed my schedule around, and so I'll be home before 7PM for a change, and that's wonderful. I walked about twenty blocks to Penn today. That was fine, too, as the weather was practically perfect. Sunny, but not blistering. Warm, but not humid. Dry, but not arrid. I took in the sights as I walked my way down 34th St. Lots and lots of attractive, well dressed, young people around. Lots of ongoing construction, and I got the feeling...

 July 12th, 2026 This time around last week, my grandma passed. her name was G esula .  A name I am ashamed to admit I forgot she was called. For a long time she has been: Grandmère.  Granmè. Grandma.  Madan Gerard.  And on  occasions so far and few  they're closer to distant memory, she was G esula .  Her passing didn't come as a total surprise, but it's been a shock nonetheless. And I find myself feeling a sudden bout of anger and grief now that I couldn't quite access even five days ago.  It feels so unfair to me that her life came and went, undoubtedly without pain, and where is her retribution? Where is her Iris Avenue? Where is she now? Did she suffer? Did she think of me before transitioning?   It's dawning on me that I don't have many photos of her, if any. I do not know the intimate details of her life. I don't know the name of her parents, whether she had siblings, her favorite food, or anything that made her a human ....

 July 9th, 2026 Earlier I saw a video on my TikTok feed called ' mise-en-place '. I thought long and hard about where I'd heard that term before, and my brain took me back to the 9th or 10th grade (I honestly can't remember, but I think it was 9th). I had a really sweet culinary teacher (whose name I have also forgotten :/) who taught us that term our first class, and it ended up being the keystone of her teaching principles for the duration of that entire course.  I guess as a Virgo rising, I sort of understand the importance of it, but historically, I haven't always been the best at it. These days, I am sort of. A lot of resources I'm used to having a lot of are now scarce (for instance - time) and so I have to make the best of what I have. As the saying goes, what's scarce is highly coveted. It's true. Twenty minutes used to feel like nothing to me, and now, it's the difference between getting home early enough to set up for the next day without ...

 July 5th, 2026 It's Sunday today. I was proactive over this long weekend, and spread out all that I would have to do to prep for the upcoming week, and so today I am tidying up my space, and I'm mostly free from there.  I used to have a better tolerance for clutter, and now, I almost can't stand it at all. I obsessively cleaned my bathroom, my room, washed a few pieces of clothes, ironed said pieces of clothes, swept the floors, mopped the floors, lit about 8 sticks of incense, lit some tiny tea light candles I had lying around, minimized the clutter in my room (slowly but surely I am finding a place for all of my things - and if there is no place for them, I am starting to throw them out).  After all that was said and done, I still had a sore throat (maybe it's the massage I had yesterday, the sweltering heat, and maybe the fact that I was packed like a sardine on that damn ferry bench), and I still had no idea what to do with myself. I've been doing a lot to try ...

 July 4th, 2026 Today was the Fourth of July. A particularly special one, too. For the second year in a row, I spent it in the city with my good friend S. We laughed at it being a developing tradition of ours, and I love that.  We began our day at 7AM and headed to Governor's Island to a popular spa. We spent five hours in the sweltering heat and unrelenting sun. By the time we left, I was packed in between two strangers on a ferry bench, drenched. It was in the high nineties today, and the sun was by far the most uncomfortable part of it all. Afterwards, we went to Chinatown and had the most fabulous two and half hour service I've experienced in my life so far. I got a Lavender and salt scrub, and I guess it made me realize the importance of human touch. I had a deep cleanse facial afterwards and by the time the service ended, I couldn't really even speak or keep my eyes open. My friend S dozed off the entire time (LOL).  The sun died down significantly by the time we l...

 July 3rd, 2026 I went to bed around midnight yesterday, and slept in until around 9AM, which was around 8.5hrs of sleep. I woke up naturally around then feeling mostly rested. I was tempted to bomb my caloric intake with all kinds of sweets, and I sort of did before my day got started. I went to the gym with a newer friend from my walking club, we caught up and worked out which was quite nice. I just realized how much muscle mass I've lost over the past year, I'm not used to not being physically strong, so it feels a little odd.  I ran a few errands, and I'm in the middle of meal prepping now. My brain keeps brainstorming "problems" to fixate on, and I find that I am constantly course correcting my own brain. I think back to something a colleague of mine said yesterday: "The work will always be there." It will indeed. There will always be problems to solve, sectors of life to optimize, messes to clean, and so on. The Summer is practically finished as ...

 July 2nd, 2026 I am reflecting on time a lot these days. Since I have so little of it to myself now, each minute feels ever more precious. One minute a few weeks ago was no big deal, and now a minute is a matter of life or death damn near. If I am one minute late, I miss my subway, I miss my train, and that sets me back at least a half hour. At least . There's an urgency that this city breeds into you. I'm not liking it so much. I always thought I would.  I'm not used to conceptualizing my life in that way. It never used to hit deep when people would say something was "a waste" of "time" - time wasn't quite as finite as it is now, and so it felt like overkill, and to be honest, a little pretentious. These days, I am starting to get it. You can only be so many places at once. I structure my time a lot better now. For instance, we had a heat wave today in the city. I left around 1:50PM, made it just in time for the subway, and by the time I got off, ...

​June 29th, 2026 This morning I woke up on time (objectively on time, not a half hour early to feel on time). I warmed up my breakfast, packed everything, and headed to the train station.  I made it on time. Everything seemed to align perfectly, so not like how my first week at work went. I saw 7777 on the train car, and decided to sit in that one (LOL). While on that car, I applied (semi-impulsively) to another job, one more advantageously close and sort of asked myself if I was doing it to save face, or if I was somewhere that truly wasn’t a right fit for me.  Speaking of right fits - I’ve had a shopping impulse which has led to me doubling my credit card balance over the course of one week. Last night just before bed it hit me that I blew through my funds and I probably wouldn’t get another check for some time. Not a great decision, obviously.  That being said, I’m experimenting with clothes. It’s weird, for a long time, I didn’t like being physically visible. I really...