vetiveroil

October 12th, 2026 I pulled out a stack of flashcards, hoping to write out a "wishlist" of sorts.  A Range Rover - silver or black with a sun roof (because it looks cool).  A custom build home, with a fieldstone façade, dark brown window frames, and a cozy interior (dream).  That's about as far as I got, before I started drifting off elsewhere I found my hand just moving, without much conscious thought or effort on my part.  Before I knew it, I was writing the final line, which read: I wish to never feel as lonely as I did this weekend.  And it's true. The Range Rover was nice. So is the stone facade. But to be honest, if I could snap my fingers and grant myself my dream life, I suppose the primary thing I'd want is more people in it. Admittedly, mine at the moment feels sparse. There are people around, but they're not nearby. In the earlier lines of my flashcard, I wrote some practical things - things such as: zero debt by twenty nine, a career in development...

 October 8th, 2026 It's been so long since I've published an entry.  Life has taken up so much of my bandwidth, there's very little left to burn as fuel for these reflections. Nonetheless, it's a few minutes shy of midnight, and it's not a good decision to be up so late, and yet, here I am.  I wanted to write about apathy. I've been biting my tongue with force since like July. The reason being that I've been anticipating a Ketu transit over my Lagna (Mercury), and wanting to practice caution, I've been watching myself. Anyway, yesterday, I just got hit with this random wave of apathy. I shared with my therapist that I was afraid of it being another deactivation cycle, and I still don't know. It's less pronounced today, but I still find that I am...unashamed to be myself.  For as long as I can remember, people have told me that I was "unlikeable" - that I made them feel intimidated, judged, uneasy, etc. And I guess sometime long ago, I l...

 September 18th, 2026 Today we left the office an hour early. It was nice, I decided to head to an Indian shop to buy some (extremely overpriced) Persian Ice Cream by the pint. On my way there, I went into a mall I'd been in many years prior with my good friend J. It's funny how destiny plays out - years ago that area was unfamiliar as can be, and today, it happens to be near where I work. Funny. Anyway, I got the boba and continued down. I was enticed by a Psychic sign, and decided for a $20 special, I could make a quick stop. It was a tiny apartment, the front door was locked, but after a few knocks, the psychic let me in. We sat down, she encircled my right hand with a tiny misshapen piece of White Quart, took some deep breaths and started to 'read' me. She was accurate in saying that I was feeling rattled energetically. It's true, I don't feel quite settled, or like my normal, usual, and grounded self. I haven't the slightest idea what to 'do' wi...

 September 12th, 2026 Today I underslept, overate, and overspent.  Classic Taurus Moon shit.  I woke up early for a virtual training session, which I found to be boring and a little long. Thing is that I woke up too late for it, and didn't have any time to eat prior, so I was totally bored and disengaged throughout. The principle of her teaching, though, was quite useful: cultivating a relationship with one's own body. I think my approach to exercise has come from a place of ritual, self-numbing - not really engagement.  Afterwards, I drove to Trader Joe's for some seasonal items, most of which I did not find, but then I took myself to get a piercing afterwards, and nearly $200 later, I had two: a conch and a helix piercing. I quite like them, I think. It's round two of trying to heal a helix piercing, hopefully it sticks. The owner of the piercing shop I went to and I had a nice chat, she was very sweet. She and I spoke extensively about my Accutane treatment, and s...

 September 6th, 2026 I spent my day out in NOFO today. All the way out East - so far out, it felt as mystical and mysterious as Timbuktu. My good friend S ended up surprising me with an eight hour day driving through NOFO (North Fork) full of the most whimsical things. We began our journey in Carvelton - it was a sprawling Lavender farm with so many varieties of Lavender I never even knew existed. The Lavender was harvested, so we weren't looking at much, but I discovered that I love French Lavender - I got a cute body spray that smelled nice and soapy, a candle, and a very fragrant Spiked "Lavender plant (generously gifted to me by S) that I am going to plant.  Afterwards, we drove to a dairy farm, and I got a heaping scoopful of the most delicious Lavender ice cream ever (S got Cantaloupe). Then, it was time to drive through wine country for a tasting, and at this point, the sun was out, so we just basked in it and made small talk before walking through the field. I was full...

 September 4th, 2026 Today is the Friday before Labor Day. The weather was beautiful. It was the last day we could leave the office early, and I ended up leaving around 2PM. I went to SoHo and got myself an overpriced smoothie. I went alone, because my friend couldn't make it out, but that was half the pleasure.  Walking through the streets was like being reminded of what I wanted my life to feel like. I realized that I spend a lot of time forging the conditions I'd like to live in, but very little time actually living in said life. What's the point of that? I got myself heaps of cheap gold plated jewelry, a Billie Holiday vinyl record, and it was the best day ever. I found myself wondering how I'll pass the time the next twenty two months I'm intending to be here. Then it dawned on me that it was the wrong question to ask. In twenty months' time, I'll be on the cusp of twenty seven, and those twenty two months is time off the clock that is my life. I'm ...

 September 1st, 2026 Today allegedly starts the later half of the 2020s, which feels mind boggling to say. It was humid in the city today, but there was a nice breeze. August really ushered in September beautifully. On my end, it was a busy day. Filled with busy work. And busy thoughts. And busy errands afterwards. Now I'm home, and I'm thinking of how this isn't a Summer I can do over . It'll be crystallized in time - the Summer I turned twenty-five. I couldn't imagine myself at twenty-five until I was seventeen years old.  This realization prompted me to go back in my camera roll - back to some screenshots I wrote in 2019. It prompted me to think of myself at eighteen. To be in her head, and reflect on her dreams and hopes. Does it make me a failure to be flailing in place at twenty-five? Does it reflect negatively on me, if I've flipped her world inside out in search of a peace that may or may not ever come?  There are so many opportunities to look ahead and ...

 August 31st, 2026 Yesterday, despite much effort, I still took myself to the gym for a Zone 3 workout. I'm in my Follicular phase, so the output was solid, it almost felt too easy, which is crazy, because I hadn't been to the gym in about 2.5 weeks. Anyway, somewhere along the way, I lost my beautiful 18K gold necklace that I got last September and loved so much. I went back to look for it, no luck.  I had binged the entire weekend prior, spent last week fighting off the urge to binge, and all that led me to feeling fearful that I was turning back to old habits - food as comfort.  I left my phone number and name with the front desk, but I am not sure it'll be returned. I went back to the Etsy vendor I bought it from, only to see their store had been shut down. I've been ina. sour mood since.  I guess there's a few lessons to be learned: Obsessing and rushing over making the right decision is sometimes more detrimental than not acting at all.  If you love someth...

 August 23rd, 2026 After my last entry, I went and did some housework and prepped my breakfast for tomorrow. If I am going to break this binge spiral, I suppose I should really try and return back to my new baseline - which is order and structure, despite whatever else is occurring on in my inner world. In my house.  It's amazing how therapeutic cleaning is for me these days. Anyway, as I sit on my couch, freshly showered, my overpriced candle still burning in my bedroom, and a plate of Penne to my left, I can think of a little bit of what I'd like to write. I guess my trigger this weekend, was less about a particular person , and more so about feeling powerless again . I know that I've done tremendous work on myself, and in my life (my house) - and yet something that occured again felt like being dropped into hardened concrete from thirty stories up. Hard. Excruciating. It was another reminder of how much I still don't have. For instance, my freedom from this damned h...

 August 23rd, 2026 I spent the past 72 hours indulging in some old and familiar habits. Hedonism.  I've been abusing my body with food, and it is catching up with me, I've been bloated non-stop, had 2 prominent dizziness spells over the past twenty four hours, and I can't stop that I can stop.  I almost feel like how I did before my surgery - just a very long out of body experience where nothing is filling that 'void'. I am relying on my weekly structure to break me out of it, so we'll see how I do tomorrow. In addition to the binging, I haven't managed to make it into the gym this weekend. To be honest, I didn't feel like it. This is probably one of the most emotionally tumultuous periods I've experienced. I guess these cycles rob you one way or another. I didn't have excrutiating cramps this time around, but I paid for it in just about every other way - is it the rite of passage? Pain as a sacrifice? Anyway, I got to thinking about myself again...

August 20th, 2026 Today, I had a good day. A great day, actually. One thing I am learning to do, is let the chips fall where they may. I suppose there's immense wisdom in that, as a Central 10 Arcana. There's divinity, even in error (I believe I journaled about this before).  I met with a client today, that new tiny project I was told about. I'm anxious, and yet, this all seems doable. I'm concerned about my current trajectory. My aim was to complete multiple jobs, a lot of experience and scale very quickly. That is not panning out in the manner I had exactly hoped, but studying my own history tells me that at the end of this journey, I'll have the right amount of everything I need to move forward. I just will, so I'll leave it at that. I just have to focus on the right outcomes between now and then. That requires for me to let the chips fall where they may.  I started journaling about the concept of developing an "erotic identity" (not at all my conce...

  August 16th, 2026 Last week was a rush, and I am just now catching up. It's been amazing. Actually, this past week is the most fun or pleasure I've experienced consecutively since April, when I passed my exam. I feel a little (lot) less manic now than I did then, but still a good feeling is lingering.  I, of course, got my Oura ring, which I am thrilled about. I've been making some consolidated efforts to improve my overall sleep, and somehow, the difference is quite noticeable. I will try to be in bed by 11PM, even on the weekends for continuity. I also got some magnesium spray, a Lavender Milk body lotion I am excited to try, and some Neuro "mints" - some sort of melatonin sleep tablet I intend to try tonight. I am concerned about starting my period on Thursday, since, that is also the day I meet a client (a personal friend of the owner of the company I work for now) and this is going to be my first chance to work at a project I can shine in. I'm NERVOUS...

 August 12th, 2026 Today is my twenty-fifth birthday.  I was not thrilled to wake up this morning, and I cried before bed last night. And yet, this morning when I woke up, despite it all, my mom gave me a big hug, and told me I was starting to make her feel old. LOL. My dad messaged me early in the morning, which I was grateful for. So did my friend S. I guess it's so on brand for me given my 11H stellium in this year's solar return chart, but I called up everyone who wished me a happy birthday and thanked them personally. Such a surreal milestone for me to be turning twenty five. I have several things to think about, but right now, I gotta get ready for bed.  When I blew out my birthday candles (all twenty of them my sister littered throughout and her boyfriend lit), I asked for all of the wishes I write down to come true. I haven't written them just yet, but I will on Saturday, probably. I'm so grateful for the few pockets of love I received today. God knows I needed ...

​August 11th, 2026 I had a crazy idea just recently (as in, fifteen minutes ago). Labor Day’s right around the corner, I could go on a little weekend trip.  For some reason, Detroit is piquing my curiosity. Seems cold. Cold, but small enough that I wouldn’t feel as lonely as I feel now. Live-able, financially once I pay off 90% of my debts. I said this current chapter was a roughly two year venture for me, I believe that to be true. The next twenty four months, I’ll keep going as I am currently.  I think I’m ready for a different pace of life, though. I keep saying this, but I truly mean it, I think. My life in NY and I guess the East Coast as a whole has been as deep as can be internally, and yet none of that translates outwards. The connections haven’t felt very deep at all. I just feel very sad, and very uninspired. How much longer do you hold out? I’ve held out for 15 years? At what point do you draw a white flag? I’m just about ready to post mine.  I’m questioning wh...

August 9th, 2026 My birthday is quickly approaching! I can't believe soon twenty-four will be distant memory. A year is simply a series of weeks, and that's become so much more evident since I reached adulthood.  I've recently made it a habit to highlight the goals I've accomplished off my physical vision board. It's a visual reminder that I am getting these things that I desire, maybe not all at once, but I am getting them. That feels really good. For instance, I wanted an Oura ring, and my sister got it for me. I wanted to pay off my CC balance, and soon I'll have the means to do that. I'm grateful! Even though I have been tweaking out the past week or so regarding my life, my future, and so on. I am both far from where I want to be, but also, the closest I've ever been so far, and that feels worth the mention. It took a lot to get here. It'll take a lot to get there , but my trajectory seems to support the conclusion that I will get there , event...

August 4th, 2026 I didn’t sleep well last night. When my alarm went off this morning, I had a pit in my stomach, something that could only be described as anxiety. I started writing a fear journal, and I gave up.  Today, I left work with a lump in my throat. I’m wondering if there’s something wrong with me that I can’t quite figure out because it’s so normal to me.  I’m coming up on another birthday, and yet it doesn’t feel that eventful. I keep asking myself how people find the time to do "life" while working full time. I just do not know. It shocks me to hear that people are dating, getting engaged, married, being parents, etc. all while working, and meanwhile my days are filled with trying to reduce the level of friction occuring in my life day to day, and restarting that cycle week in, and week out.  Maybe I am depressed. Today at my dermatology appointment, my derm asked me if I was experiencing any mental health issues as a result of the accutane I've been on since ...

​August 3rd, 2026 Something I’m acutely sensitive to, and really, always have been is the narrative .  Maybe that’s why it’s always been important for me to articulate myself, and to do it well. I guess I realize that the truth is only as accurate as the person telling it, and there’s no one I trust to articulate my narrative better than me. Now that I think about it, it’s one of the biggest reasons why visibility always feels like exposure to me, and that’s uncomfortable. You lose your ability to narrative your story. People can fabricate, or even sense things you’re not too keen on sharing, and the scary part is that it happens without your say-so. It is completely outside of your control. That’s why it’s uncomfortable for me. That’s such a Virgo rising take.  I don't want my narrative misinterpreted, misunderstood, or re-written before my very eyes.  This also means that I am particularly sensitive to feeling misunderstood, to the point where I don't find myself speaki...

 August 2nd, 2026 I started watching Girls on Friday, and it has been so fun.  I miss that whimsy depiction of real life that millennials so perfectly crafted in the 2010s.  I am nostalgic for it, if you will. I was sort of a wreck this weekend, in the sense that I lacked a lot of the structure I pride myself on always keeping, and yet, I've been having so much fun.  Yesterday, I asked myself what exactly it meant to ' have a life ' - like how does that really look. I guess it varies from person to person, but I get the overarching sense that I am not one of those people that has one, and it feels like a shame. Being a Virgo rising is all about work sometimes (Cap 5H) - and I have a love-hate relationship with that.  I keep thinking that someday soon, life is going to pause, and I am going to be able to live it retroactively, and that hasn't happened yet, and clearly won't, so what now? It's absolutely mind boggling to me that in the midst of everything happeni...

​August 1st, 2026 Another birthday month, wow.  Feels like just yesterday when I was writing my terms and conditions list for twenty four. I haven’t figured out what that list is comprised of for twenty-five, but that’s a common occurrence, so I’m sure the terms will make themselves known in the coming weeks.  I’m managing semi-well, today. It’s a Saturday. A beautiful, sunny, and warm Saturday. I’m going to dine seaside with a friend in about four hours’ time, so that’s fun. Unfortunately I slept like shit last night (no one’s fault but my own) so I’m spent and it’s only 4PM. I ate a big, sweet breakfast. Then I went and got some bloodwork done for my accutane prescription, then I went to the gym for the first time in weeks. I did some intense cardio, which felt good. I’m off my period now, so I feel 10 lbs lighter. And my appetite is fully loaded, too. Surprisingly I maintained my weight, rather than gaining, which I thought I had.  I am sensing that my body loves this...

​July 23rd, 2026 I’m oddly clearheaded today.  Maybe it’s the fact that Mercury is on the cusp of stationing direct soon. Maybe it’s because after intense day one cramps yesterday, I’m finally able to enjoy being out of my Luteal phase. Whatever the cause may be, I’m feeling like I’m at another peak, finally, after clawing my way up from another valley.  Yesterday, I spoke with my therapist about my social struggles at work. The conversation, I suppose, can be summarized into an attempt at finding balance,  The one thing my disorganized attachment brain and nervous system is the mostly poorly trained at. I’m very good at traversing extremes, at some point, I think I began to develop an affinity for it. Not because I wanted to, but because after so much practice, I understood it really well.  I mentioned to my therapist that I could understand how I’m subconsciously making people uneasy with my scolding hot or freezing cold temperament, especially when there’s no obvi...