AUGUST BLUES
August 4th, 2026
Today, I left work with a lump in my throat. I’m wondering if there’s something wrong with me that I can’t quite figure out because it’s so normal to me.
I’m coming up on another birthday, and yet it doesn’t feel that eventful. I keep asking myself how people find the time to do "life" while working full time. I just do not know. It shocks me to hear that people are dating, getting engaged, married, being parents, etc. all while working, and meanwhile my days are filled with trying to reduce the level of friction occuring in my life day to day, and restarting that cycle week in, and week out.
Maybe I am depressed. Today at my dermatology appointment, my derm asked me if I was experiencing any mental health issues as a result of the accutane I've been on since June. I said no, and I think that is true. Somehow this existential dread predates it by about 2 decades.
So maybe it's the quarter life crisis that's making me ask:
WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?????
And I just don't know how to answer that. I don't even know what would make me happy or what would make things feel worth it. I am in a critical state of mind. I am terrified of weight regain, I am terrified that I am not misunderstood - that people see me crystal clear and hate me anyway, and I am terrified that this is all there is to life.
A colleague told me in oh so many words that I am essentially slowing them down and wasting their time. All I could do was nod, because what else is there to say to that? Saturn's squaring my angles, alright.
I rode through Kew Gardens again today on the train. The houses near the train tracks were so cozy and warm looking from the outside. Surrounded by lots of trees. With a cozy driveway.
It is past my bedtime, now, so I'll wrap this entry up. It is very worth it to try and keep a bedtime these days, as the friction rises in my day to day. And then I just rinse and repeat, which seems to be all I know how to do.
- vetiveroil
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