PARTICIPATING IN THE PRESENT

 July 3rd, 2026

I went to bed around midnight yesterday, and slept in until around 9AM, which was around 8.5hrs of sleep. I woke up naturally around then feeling mostly rested.

I was tempted to bomb my caloric intake with all kinds of sweets, and I sort of did before my day got started. I went to the gym with a newer friend from my walking club, we caught up and worked out which was quite nice. I just realized how much muscle mass I've lost over the past year, I'm not used to not being physically strong, so it feels a little odd. 

I ran a few errands, and I'm in the middle of meal prepping now. My brain keeps brainstorming "problems" to fixate on, and I find that I am constantly course correcting my own brain. I think back to something a colleague of mine said yesterday:

"The work will always be there."

It will indeed. There will always be problems to solve, sectors of life to optimize, messes to clean, and so on. The Summer is practically finished as far as I am concerned, it'll be week after week from there, so what's the point of anticipating Monday when it'll come anyway? 

Anyway - today I began to think about the concept of vulnerability and how much I loathe that feeling. 

Much of my life experience gets filtered through the lens of power. I guess in that way, I am actively trying to avoid ever feeling vulnerable (i.e overpowered, outnumbered, outmaneuvered, etc.) and I guess such a lens is not really all that compatible with my relational needs, and maybe recognizing that is a good first step for combatting this sense of unease I feel around people constantly. 

For me, it's true what people say, which is that we often suffer in imagination more than we ever do in real life. I guess the mere thought of being overpowered or made vulnerable in some way is enough of a deterrent to avoid whatever could possibly trigger that feeling. 

I am coming to terms with that fear of being made vulnerable and how it is a major driver for me in all that I do. Remaining financially capable, doing things alone, not relying too much on family or friends with my feelings, and so on. It all goes back to not wanting to be vulnerable. 

Is this a branch from the tree of avoidance? Is my tendency to ruminate and rush into problem-solving when things get quiet stemming from the same root? 

IDK - that's kind of an unfinished thought, but I wanted to complete another entry tonight.

Tomorrow I'm up early for a day of fun with my friend. We are getting a full spa day in the city. 

Can't wait!

- vetiveroil