vetiveroil

​March 30th, 2026 Last night I tossed and turned, and at the forefront of my mind was a date I had on Saturday with a man I've started to develop feelings for. All day today, I've thought of him. Wondering when he'll text, what he'll say next, how it'll feel the next time I'm touched by him, whether he'll find me attractive, or the appeal will wear off. That is, I guess, the nature of attachment, and why it's such a killer. When I want something, I expect something.  Not that it's bad to expect things, but it hurts when reality cannot rise up to meet it - and it seldom does.  At least in the way I feel I need it to in order to scratch that itch.  Anyway, to avoid gnawing at the opening of my expectations - like you would if you kept scratching an open wound, I am sitting at the dinner table, writing this entry, making my dinner, and then getting ready to study. You know - the things I can control at the moment.  I had therapy today, I didn't wa...

​March 21st, 2026 When it comes to my health, I’m transitioning back to basics, once again.  My sugar cravings are out of control, and I keep trying to scratch that itch. I’m on the cusp of a new cycle, I’m feeling the aches and tenderness associated with it, and in a weird way it’s reminding me to simplify it all.  In addition to the poor eating, I haven’t been sleeping the best (it’s catching up to me now, so I have to course correct) and I’ve been slacking on my workouts.  Clearly, I need to get myself back in order. I have a goal I want to reach, and right now my habits aren’t put well together enough to bring it to fruition.  I made some sorrel, now I’m eating dinner (first time I’ve cooked in about a month) and figuring out how I’ll wean myself off of the sugar, caffeine, and processed food. I’ve now got another 18 lbs to drop before I’m at my target weight. The composition nothing is another issue. I’m wondering if it makes sense to introduce the peptide, or s...

  March 21st, 2026 I ngredients: 1-2 cups of dried sorrel (hibiscus) 2-3 Cinnamon Sticks (or 2 tbsp powdered)  1 Navel Orange peel 1 sachet dried orange peel + rinds Date Syrup Blue Agave Syrup 1 bulb of ginger (peeled and ground using mortar and pestle) 1 handful of star anise 1 tbsp of Spanish Saffron Black vanilla extract Vanilla bean paste Spice Blend: Cinnamon powder, Nutmeg, Spanish saffron, dried orange rind. Directions: 1. In a large pot, bring 2-3 cups of water to a simmer 2. Grind peeled ginger in a mortar and pestle until a paste is formed 3. Pour into boiling water along with a few solid pieces (5-6) 4. Cut orange into slices, pour into simmering mixture 5. Add spice blend to mixture 6. Rinse and set sorrel to the side while mixture comes to a boil 7. Pour in sorrel once water is boiling 8. Stir mixture and (partially) cover with lid to allow mixture to steep 9. Strain liquid from solids and store in the fridge.  *If possible, steep the mixture for 6-2...

 March 17th, 2026 Old habits die hard, and today I found myself clinging to mine. Hard .  I went on a few dates back to back with a new guy I started seeing. In an odd way, he reconnected me with an old part of myself. A part I was unsure existed. It was quite the thrill. I said I wanted dating to be a very experimental experience - that I refused to attach myself to outcomes or tie my future to any of them on a contingency. I still want that to be the case, so I am etching it out of my brain that I haven't heard from him in nearly twenty four hours - and shutting down the impulse to ruminate on what it is I did wrong. If anything at all. I simply enjoyed the experience, and the side of me he brought to me. Like taking a walk down the street, only to be led to a stranger's door - only that stranger's door is mine, and it's my own house I'm looking into from the outside in. I liked it a lot. I keep wondering how to give myself that thrill again. Naturally, my brain s...

 March 14th, 2026 Today was a good day.  I had a second date with a guy I've been seeing for a few weeks. He was the perfect gentleman. He gifted me a small bouquet (4 velvet red roses), paid for our dates, made sure to stand near the street when we walked on the sidewalk, and took care of all I needed. That all felt very sweet. But also freeing, because I realize I'm not seeking anything from him - nor do I feel I need anything from him. I'm having fun . It dawned on me today, that I am having my way with life, in my very own way. That's amusing.  A few months ago, I was still trying to glue together a paper house with spit and wondering why the walls kept separating moments after I'd reglued them moments prior. A series of upheavals later and I'm coming out on the other side, I think. I'm in a good place with myself for the time being. I'm granting my system the space for pleasure, and the breakthroughs are coming, so I must be doing something right. S...

 March 11th, 2026 Today something occured that made me re-think my strategies around money and security.  This Mercury Rx seems to be beating everyone's ass, not just mine. That feels quite nice (LOL). We're experiencing a slew of technical difficulties, so I haven't had a true work day since last Friday. I've been in a stellar mood, but I didn't get paid on time ( GHETTO! ) which made me realize too much of my money is being circulated casually. I'm serious about my security, but historically, I've been very loose fisted with money.  I guess I'm really learning to rethink that.  I, thankfully, am liquid enough that I can weather a brief storm. Thank God.  Besides that, I am back to square one with my eating habits and routine. I'm realizing losing the weight, for many reasons was the easy part. I didn't have to be all that precise, just slightly less careless than I'd been in the past which was tough, but in the grand scheme of things (espe...

​March 9th, 2026 Word of the day is: Gratitude   Yesterday I was anxious, I deep cleaned my room in an impulsive attempt to self-soothe.  I also prayed and journaled asking for guidance among other things.  The cleaning came in clutch. It distracted me for a bit, I slept considerably well.  I had the wildest dreams, but the rest was restful (LOL).  This morning, I came into work, just to find out that nothing was working, thank God, Mercury retrograde isn’t just beating my ass alone. It’s a gorgeous spring day today, and I’m out on a walk. It feels good to see the ground again after many weeks of snow.  It feels even better to walk outside after work and still see the sun.  What an underrated pleasure it is to coexist with nature.  After work, I had my first session with a new therapist. She was sweet, and I connected with her well enough to make me excited about what's to come. She gave me some homework - to keep an "anxiety" log and to journal ...

  March 7th, 2026 I woke up at 11AM today, ate a solid breakfast, and rolled around in my bed like a snake metabolizing its prey. After about an hour or so, I got dressed and went to the gym to get in a workout. A Twitter account I love and follow pointed out how a 1H profection year is typically a year of redefining one's connection with their own body. I think back to last one (age twelve) - and how hopeful a time that was.  I got my first period at age twelve, and that set a lot into motion. I was hardly equipped with the right people to model what a healthy relationship to my body should look like.  In fact, I think that period of my life was marked by trying to survive and navigate a lack of safety more than anything else. Though I started that cycle really excited and hopeful, it's taken another twelve years to really come into my own in the way I deserved (even back then). That cycle catapulted me into a twelve year journey that entailed a lot of confusion, a lot ...