vetiveroil

 February 28th, 2026 Today I remembered that tiny piece of the island I was born on.  I remembered my grandma. I remembered being rocked to sleep on a late afternoon on my dad's lap. How his voice hummed and his heart thumped, and his anxious tics served as a tonic to make me fall asleep.  I remembered the taste of black coffee hit the back of my tongue.  How it felt to eagerly await the arrival of my aunty who always brought me a pink and white sachet of  Pistache grillée .  I remembered my red and white uniform dress. My classmate Coralie . How my father used to hold my hand tightly as we crossed the streets of Champ de Mars .  I remember tiny statuettes of the Neg Mawon for sale, carved from wood and dipped in black lacquer.  I remember the time my grandma took us on a pilgrimage, and how foreign it was ride a donkey .  I remember tiring myself out and lying on the tiled corridor floor in our house.  Colored pencils scattered about, ...

 February 28th, 2026 Yesterday, my world seemed to be on the brink of collapse, and this morning it's been made new again.  I let myself spiral a bit, and I had a good cry over the intensity of my desires not necessarily being aligned with what my current reality could provide for me. It's not a great feeling, but I am working through it as best as I can.  On the last day of this wonderful month of February, the sun is out.  The snow from last week's blizzard is melting quickly. Similarly, I am losing reconciling with a lot fo my surfacing debris . It's not a morality thing, only a logistical one. I'm cleaning house, if you will. This month came with a cataclysmic breakthrough. One that felt like finding hitting resume on a movie after not ever seeing the remote. I've been clumsily moving on, despite it lagging a bit.  Lag or not, there are new scenes to see, after staring at the same screen for many years.  I experienced a lot of firsts this month. Life s...

​February 25th, 2026 Today, I am once again, sat at my dining room table.  An incense stick is burning, and a candle is lit. I'm eating my dinner in front of my computer and feeling rather comfortable. I've gotten this little routine down pat the last few days. I get excited to write again. I've had a lot to think about today, and so I thought I’d make myself a “progress report” to track down the micro ways that I’ve managed to improve my life (not in a fitness obsessed or I have my life under control and I’m a grown up way) - but just in a I used to struggle here and now I don’t way.  1. Work errors have stopped debilitating me.  2. I am getting hands on practice in tolerating relational ambiguity  3. I no longer fear or misunderstand my bodily cues as a lack of control 4. I no longer feel insecure around taking on more professional responsibility — in fact, I’m beginning to feel ready for it.  5.  I’m beginning to uncouple fear from desire .  6....

​ February 24th, 2026 Today was a good day.  I’m still in great spirits.  I’m reflecting a lot.  I’m thinking about all of the pre-requisites littered in my path currently. All of the cool and wonderful dreams I have for myself, as I’m wondering what’s required and actionable to bring them to fruition.  For instance, my impending work pivot. My initial plan was to secure a few certifications, refine my resume, and pivot into the niche I’m interested in next. All of last year that was my plan come January.  Unfortunately, following a run-in with the flu last December, my body started rebelling against me. It was impossible to beat myself into obedience. Not with punishment not with a treat , not with visions of grandiosity, not with the promise of a "better tomorrow" or any of the other tactics I've used in the past. The plans for the certification have been stalled ever since. I’m thinking of impulsively scheduling my test and figuring it the fuck out between ...

 February 23rd, 2026 I stumbled across an audio today of Audre Lorde reading her essay the  Uses of the Erotic . It's been probably two years since I last delved into this piece of work, a lot has shifted internally in regards to how I understand and relate to eroticism, though maybe not too much has changed circumstantially.  I keep thinking back to all of my newly acquired awareness around my body . The experience around shame, sensation, and my historical need to remain composed  as means of safety. This is a brand new phase I think I've reached in my experience. I suppose according to the dominant culture I've been a woman for some time. Biologically speaking, nearly half of my life so far.  Psychologically, the shift has only just begun, and it may be a while before I reach the destination I'm seeking. Perhaps that road never ends, I'm not really sure.  I'm coming to terms with the fact that I have absolutely uprooted my nervous system by training my...

 February 23rd, 2026 The past twenty four hours has reset a few things back into perspective for me. It's crazy how easily writing comes to me again. I don't feel blocked. I have clarity and it feels so damn good .  I want to continue moving forward with my life, I don't want to stop and stare my wounds. I also don't really want to forget that they are there, because admittedly, they've shaped me into a very particular kind of person, and keeping in mind where I come from is critical to naming my needs and identifying what I need to be and stay well, as well as the kind of life I want to pursue.  Of course, I've been delving into all of the esoteric mediums possible..astrology, transits, dashas, nakshatras, destiny matrix, arcanas, tarot, and so on. I am desperately trying to align this series of shifts I am trying to usher in.  Earlier I had a few calls lined up with a few different therapists to figure out if I could provide myself with some support to make se...

 February 22nd, 2026 It dawned on me recently, that there are absolutely levels to this. By this I mean the journey of somatic revival and nervous system rewiring I'm currently knee deep in.  Though, I suppose you can say that about anything , and you'd technically be correct. Yesterday, I was starving, but also in a pinch. We had an impending blizzard, and despite really not wanting to, I went and got my laundry done (very much past due). It was kind of warm, so I went for a thirty-five minute walk. When I got back, I threw everything in the dryer and frantically tried to find somewhere to get food from that was local and also not super unhealthy. There's a Jamaican restaurant nearby, one I'd been to before, so naturally, I went again. I arrived, and the same staff was there as when I went 2 or so years ago. An older woman with a very icy disposition (rich coming from me) and a slender older man, who I presumed to be the cook or one of them. Last time I was there, I a...

 February 19th, 2026 Today I listened to a Dean Blunt song and took me back to the optimism of last Spring. Perhaps my expectations were a little high, I think reality was a lot more muted than I wanted. I spent the entirety of that Summer pining over [redacted] only for it to crumble by September.  By all accounts a let down, and a bit of a traumatizing experience because it was the first of  many let-downs (some still occurring) after a loooooooong pause. They say Neptunian influence over the 5H/7H can create distortions and I don't discount that. I'm beginning to catch that in myself. I looked at [redacted] and saw everything I ever wanted in a person, but never felt confident existed in real life. Then, one day, in the middle of Brooklyn, it appeared briefly, and didn't reappear for some time. I caught a glimpse of it and when I tried to reach for it openly, I think I lost the plot.  I realized only when it became impossible to ignore any further that not onl...

 February 19th, 2026 Today, I am off of work, which feels great. I slept nearly 8 hours, if not that exactly. That was nice.  What a difference good sleep makes.  I went to see my doctor for a metabolic test, and after what felt like the longest ten minutes ever, I finally had my results. My PA printed a copy of my previous test taken nearly 2 years ago, and by all metrics I was performing marginally better. I feel like a new person on a cellular level when I think about it that way. It feels great. I almost couldn't believe my results.  Afterwards, I sat down with my PA, and we spoke candidly about my recent struggles, and so on. She gave me some valuable feedback. I guess I realized in the discussion that I am a total CONTROL FREAK !  Not having a firm grasp on things at all times feels terrifying and destabilizing . I am constantly prowling the terrain for clues on what will happen next so I can brace myself and stay five steps ahead. I guess this crevice of ...

 February 18th, 2026 Last night I got roughly seven hours of sleep - the best I've done in about..4.5 weeks, possibly longer.  It, I guess, put into perspective for me how critical it is to sleep well regularly - and also how my vanity (insecurity) and preoccupation with "looking" well gets the best of me often.  I've been spiraling mentally for weeks, and unsure of where that was stemming from or how to help myself through it. Nothing seemed to do the trick, and today was by no means a perfect day, but among other things, sleeping enough has me feeling the best I've felt in weeks. It's a more holistic feeling of being well rather than feeling pleasure, which is what I get the edibles have been trying to stimulate. Additionally, I feel so much more in control of my hunger and eating patterns which just feels great. It's funny, because the mental spirals didn't spring me into action, but the bloating and feeling of "gaining weight" from the la...

​February 18th, 2026 In our little loft... Our sanctuary, our sacred cocoon of shared devotion. I like to imagine that I am sitting in your lap, caressing the back of your neck, running my fingers through your locs with your hand in my lap, your arm around my waist.  I like to imagine we’re in our garden, watching a sunset with our limbs entangled.  It’s quite cozy in our little loft.  It smells faintly of freshly burned incense sticks.  The humidifier is running, rose and ylang ylang wafts the space.  Traces of you, and me, and us scattered throughout. You and I coexist in it beautifully - like two toddlers engrossed in their respective tasks.  We parallel play, LOL.  We just get one another, without a word.  Your moon is in Cancer, mine Taurus .  My  venus in Cancer, yours Virgo.  We just click. You’re the button I loop around.  You slide your hand around my waist, pull me closer, and we connect momentarily. Without a word,...

 February 13th, 2026 Today is Friday the thirteenth, I suppose things went fine.  There's a three day weekend ahead, so I am happy. After work, I went and got a forty-five minute massage, it felt nice. I was trying to fight off the feelings of worthlessness that kept resurfacing, I think they were just coming from a place of frustration and maybe being a bit touch starved.  Afterwards, I went to the store and blew way more money than I cared to on items to make Valentine's Day baskets for my mom and sister. I feel quite proud of myself, because I got it done, though, I will be honest, nothing about gift giving comes naturally to me.  I went to the gym today, even though I wasn't up for it. It felt worth trying to maintain this identity, even when I want to spiral into shame, into my old ways and habits.  I realize also I lost an earring, one of my precious 18K gold studs - I am still upset.  I've been at war with myself for some time, and I guess today it h...

 February 1st, 2026 January felt like one giant Luteal phase.  Just uncomfortable, sticky, and relentless.  I guess I am recoiling from that, and also wondering how to better systemize my life so that I am not falling apart week to week and losing my momentum.  I am trying to re-calibrate nutritionally. I am back (sort of) to my workouts, which felt daunting a month ago after coming down from the flu, but now feels comfortable - not yet therapeutic. I'm craving so badly to step outside for a walk and not feel rushed by the cold.  Today I did something else that I haven't really done before. I communicated something, and it didn't blow up in my face like I was bracing myself for. That was nice, and sweet, and I so appreciate it.  I have been struggling with therapy. I don't feel connected to the process very much, and I am wondering if what I am missing now is the correction that would come from having newer experiences to feed off of. I think I am right in ...