vetiveroil

​June 29th, 2026 This morning I woke up on time (objectively on time, not a half hour early to feel on time). I warmed up my breakfast, packed everything, and headed to the train station.  I made it on time. Everything seemed to align perfectly, so not like how my first week at work went. I saw 7777 on the train car, and decided to sit in that one (LOL). While on that car, I applied (semi-impulsively) to another job, one more advantageously close and sort of asked myself if I was doing it to save face, or if I was somewhere that truly wasn’t a right fit for me.  Speaking of right fits - I’ve had a shopping impulse which has led to me doubling my credit card balance over the course of one week. Last night just before bed it hit me that I blew through my funds and I probably wouldn’t get another check for some time. Not a great decision, obviously.  That being said, I’m experimenting with clothes. It’s weird, for a long time, I didn’t like being physically visible. I really...

 June 21st, 2026 I intended to write a lot more than I ended up doing this weekend. Perhaps it was Juneteenth, and then the beach, and then the grad party I had on Saturday, and the food festival I went to following that.  The sun was setting when I drove home. I dropped off my friend, and I started playing Solange and reminiscing about how tomorrow would be the first Monday in eighteen months where I didn't walk into that same familiar environment. I was now truly reflecting on a bygone era.  Tomorrow, when I wake up, it'll be a new page being written. The contents of said page? I'm not entirely sure (yet). I wrote out a list of aphorisms to go by on a flashcard yesterday. I tucked it into a small red moleskine that I have in my purse. I think I'll read it on the train tomorrow.  I had coffee with a friend today, among other things, I vented about the last eighteen months. Every time I do that, I shock myself. I think of what I endured and wonder if there's any...

​June 18th, 2026                                                                  Fear Journal #1:  * I fear these projects going horribly wrong as soon as I leave, and my colleagues speaking negatively about me, and not being able to defend myself or my reputation.  * I fear everyone hating/resenting me.  * I fear not doing well socially or professionally going forward, trying to leap forward, and falling flat on my face.  * I fear losing this opportunity, and backsliding financially.  * I fear not being able to resume my studies and capping my upward mobility.  * I fear this daily commute being too psychologically taxing to continue on.  * I fear this person I have begun befriending is an enemy in disguise and I am being played without realizing it.  * I...

 June 13th, 2026 Today, I considered getting down from the mountain.  In my research on Human Design, I recently found out that was my environment. It makes a ton of sense, people with this environment have an affinity for smoking, burning incense, etc. This environment is said to be primarily about perspective.  I find most of it to be very relatable. I am not fond of prolonged exposure to noise, large crowds make me feel anxious rather than energized, I've dreamt of having a loft for the longest time ever. I remember a guy I was seeing many moons ago telling that he sensed I was more so wanting to observe things happening rather than experiencing them happening. That was a very good observation, because I find that mostly life is quite mundane, it's the meaning derived from these mundane experiences that give me insight.  Anyway, I have been in a spiral. In part due to the fast changes coming my way, that I am unsure that I'm equipped to handle all at once. Mostly ...

June 9th, 2026 Supposedly today was the luckiest day of the year. Venus & Jupiter were conjunct in the sign of Cancer (just shy of my 11H).  I had a talk with the HR consultant at my current company. She ended up letting me know that in the works was a "promotion" for me. It shifted a lot of things for me. I hate that I considered it momentarily. She asked me to write out exactly what would make the situation worthwhile, and the more I sat with her words, and the more passive aggressiveness I received, the more I became certain in this: things played out exactly how they were meant to play out.  The hour leading up to our meeting and talk, I was struggling to hold back tears. I couldn't stop myself. I was back at that same state I was when I heard them make those comments about me. I was absolutely floored by it, and here I was, sitting in silence, trying not to draw attention to myself and cry too loudly. We spoke candidly, some of it I was able to write off as diplo...

​June 8th, 2026 I had work today.  All day, I just kept thinking about this knot I have in my stomach. Is it guilt? Grief?  An internalized lack of self-confidence?  The chance to say my peace came up. I thought long and hard about whether I should take it. I’m still grappling with that decision now. I overheard a few of my colleagues making off-handed comments about me while I was sat there. Implying (really just flat out saying that without naming me) that I was a "waste of resources" and how they'd be looking for the "right" person for the role. It wasn't something I was able to process until much later. Like hours later. It didn't dawn on me until I was on the verge of tears that what I was feeling was pain . It just felt like I was numb for a while. I said to my friend earlier, I am weirdly over-sensitive about these things, and simultaneously desensitized by them. Being spoken about in such a tactless manner felt as natural as swallowing as swallo...

 June 7th, 2026 Yesterday afternoon I went for a walk to make sure I hit my steps. Afterwards, I wanted ice cream, so I drove to Chick-Fil-A. We started getting really strong winds, dark, heavy clouds, and streaks of lightning. So here I was, in my car, behind my wheel, driving down the interstate at 60 MPH, blasting The Weeknd's insane catalogue. A weight lifted off my chest from the work transition. I just drove. I spent about two hours driving around, enjoying the warm wind of my skin, basking in the liminal - something I don't do often. I kept my GPS on, but simply ignored it in favor of driving straight for miles on miles. Many detours (by design) and in the end, I made it home safely and with the clothes on my back dry.  It isn't necessary to always be five steps ahead, sometimes we can drive for a period of time with no true destination in sight. I guess I learned that tonight.  Today I woke up early for a change, I had my first meeting with a professional mentor. ...

 June 6th, 2026 I have been in a rumination spiral.  So many changes, and they're coming at me so quickly, and so I have to cut out all of the noise and stick to the things that are non-negotiable.  I keep reminding myself to go back to the basics before I stretch forward. I've been spiraling at the overwhelming changes ahead, but I realize walking a mile starts with putting one foot in front of the other, and not darting to that point all at once. It's humbling. Part of me is always feeling that if I am not improving, tweaking, refining, and so on that I am falling back into my old ways. I am letting my life pass me by without participating in it. I want a lot out of myself, and so there's an ever present flame within that causes me to want to move, but often times, I'm spiraling in place, rather than moving towards a certain point.  I guess I want my life to show this: I have been putting tremendous effort into making myself a good home. Typically we are afforded ...

​June 3rd, 2026 This morning, I had to be in the city early for work, and so I set my first alarm to go off at 4:45AM. It was 5:15AM when my 5th alarm kept going off that I came to my senses and realized I needed to get up before the day got ahead of me.  The outfit I had planned didn’t end up looking the way I wanted, and so I kept switching outfits until I settled in something that I felt looked just okay. I hate when that happens, it puts me in a very tense and critical mood.  The trip itself was relatively calm, though I started thinking more about this avenue I’m wanting to go down in the next couple of years. I guess it dawned on me that I’m a skilled engineer (of sorts, LOL). At least, I should say, so far I've been able to successfully create a sturdy foundation for myself. I think I realized early on that the future is shaped by those with either more power - or more preparation . I never held too much institutional power, but I’m naturally risk averse, and that’s a ...