vetiveroil

​April 30th, 2026 As the month wraps up, I’m reflecting on things. I hardly did much writing at all, not that I ever stopped thinking.  This month was a very external one. LOL.  That's fundamentally opposed to my usual mode of living, so this was new. And fun .  I did things that scared me. I did some things I never thought I would do, and I’m sprawled out, wondering what more there is to do.  I’m learning my own brain a little better. Avoidance is a fear tactic. Ignoring what needs to be acted upon, simply prolongs the obstacle until it becomes too much to live with, and then action feels like a matter of life or death. My back is against the wall, so there is no option but to move. I'm wondering if that's a healthy/sustainable strategy for me.  It certainly isn't a proactive way of living, but what can I say? On some level I've grown used to living that way, and some part of me may even like the rush I get from having no choice but to move.  April, in s...

  April 21st, 2026 I once saw a video on YouTube, and a man was saying that most women do not have a life philosophy.  A framework by which they structure their lives and make decisions. That most women live their lives in reaction to whatever circumstances exist in front of them, and rinse and repeat. I take everything that comes out of a misogynist's mouth with a grain of salt, but I felt that was worth listening to, partly because based on observation and my own first hand account, it rang true.  When I heard that, I was neck deep in an exploitative job. I was in a codependent friendship with someone I long began to understand was not working out, but lacked the courage to admit that to myself. I did not have a good relationship with my family, I was running from myself, and I was thoroughly lost.  That version me of lives at the back of my mind, still.  I've become quite fixated on forging myself into the antithesis of that I once was: passive, fearful, slow...

 April 17th, 2026 Today was one of those days where it all goes right  and I'm reminded that life doesn't have to be so heavy and scary all of the time.  For starters, I took my certification exam and passed. I worked out, enjoyed the sun and warm weather, and then towards the afternoon, met up with a girlfriend of mine (S) and we giggled and cackled over food. She brought me a cake decorated with kiss motifs' (to commemorate my recent first kiss with the guy I am seeing). We then saw a movie, and afterwards, she gifted me a bouquet, some alcohol, a box of extra thin condoms, and lube. This level of thoughtfulness could only come from a Virgo moon woman, so I'm reeling it in. Once I saw it, I decided to FaceTime the same guy and showed him the gifts as we giggled. It ended in him calling me later that night, and us on the brink of another argument.  I say all this, to document a great day, and also to finally pen my thoughts on agency .  What it means to have it...

April 7th, 2026 I was completely shot today.  After another unforeseen error at work left me feeling absolutely deflated yesterday, I haven't been in the best of moods. Today, through the thick of it, I found myself craving the guy I am seeing. I've been toggling between desiring him and being repulsed by that - literally like a light switch. On. Off . On. Off . On. Off . Anyway, back to work - I was so ashamed of my error and how it was hijacking a great project. I prided myself on everything going right . And when it went wrong , it all felt like it crumbled before my very eyes.  I put on my big girl panties, drafted up an email owning up to the error - accepting the dissolution of my own ego, forgoing that itch that burned to be seen, validated, and understood, and I walked through the fire of acceptance. To my surprise, my client complimented me. He admitted they were concerned to hear of our issue so suddenly (valid), but also that they trusted me, and that I had done a ...

​April 6th, 2026 Last night I experienced a “first” and it was both satiating and sobering all at once. It made me want to write to my ancestors. Both for guidance, and for affirmation that I am indeed finding my way through this world that sometimes feels like cave diving with no flashlight. I slept okay, the answers are still making their way to me.  Early this morning, I saw a post that struck a cord within me. One of the line items read: THE WORST CASE SCENARIO IS UNLIVED POTENTIAL, NEVER FAILURE, BECAUSE FAILURE IS STILL A SUCCESS, AN ATTEMPT AT SOMETHING THAT REVEALS MORE VALUABLE INFORMATION FOR THE NEXT TIME YOU DO IT AGAIN. It really stuck with me, and instantly my mind started wandering back in time. Back in time to my old job, where I was struggling endlessly, but with an end goal in mind. That end goal kept me anchored. I look back and wonder if my old colleagues would recognize me today. I’ve transformed from the inside out.  I’m thinking about what’s ahead ...

​April 2nd, 2026 April, please be as good to me as March was!  I’ve been working on hitting my protein goals this week, I’m doing better, though the weight is slow to drop.  I’m hoping to see results in my composition in the next couple of weeks. I’m certainly working at it. The gym workouts feel good, I’m starting to go longer, and faster, which is a win in my book.  Work is fine, this week I'm certainly less anxious than those prior. I'm kind of being forced to forgive myself.  I’m still seeing the same guy. I’m enjoying him a lot . Now asking myself what makes sense, and what doesn’t . He said to me during our last date that he was willing to lend himself to my exploration, and when I asked in what way, he replied:  “ However you want/need ”  And that did something to me (LOL). Now, I’m looking at the situation objectively, and asking myself what makes sense. I am obviously developing amorous feelings for him. It feels like we are starting to bond, and b...