BALANCE

​July 23rd, 2026

I’m oddly clearheaded today. 

Maybe it’s the fact that Mercury is on the cusp of stationing direct soon. Maybe it’s because after intense day one cramps yesterday, I’m finally able to enjoy being out of my Luteal phase. Whatever the cause may be, I’m feeling like I’m at another peak, finally, after clawing my way up from another valley. 

Yesterday, I spoke with my therapist about my social struggles at work. The conversation, I suppose, can be summarized into an attempt at finding balance, 

The one thing my disorganized attachment brain and nervous system is the mostly poorly trained at. I’m very good at traversing extremes, at some point, I think I began to develop an affinity for it. Not because I wanted to, but because after so much practice, I understood it really well. 

I mentioned to my therapist that I could understand how I’m subconsciously making people uneasy with my scolding hot or freezing cold temperament, especially when there’s no obvious basis for it. It feels quite normal to me to have both a friend and a foe in the same body. And I’ve come to expect that duality to exist in everyone, and even embody it myself. But now I’m feeling insecure about it.

My therapist asked me to slow downnnnnnn in order to come to such a balanced state. Not avoid swinging from one extreme to the other. To practice setting a timer on my phone for fifteen minutes or so and letting it go off before I make a decision. Sounds easy in practice, but I've yet to test the theory.  

I've been thinking a lot about my upcoming birthday, how I feel like a ladder with a few rungs missing. How I don't exactly know how to bridge this current place I'm at in life in order to make it align with what I ultimately want. Life is rather mundane, and that is scarier than the chaos, because in the chaos, I'm always certain that I'll get a good payout eventually, and with this, I don't know if this is it, and that scares me. I guess this is a sign to set a timer and sit on this feeling. 

All in all, I am realizing that Mercury Rx went through my 11H, and I felt like my biggest pinpoints were relational in nature. It was rough. I shouldn't say that in past tense, but I am manifesting more ease moving forward, LOL. I'm hoping to figure it out. People tend to be my biggest disregulator, and for obvious reasons, that is a problem. 

I hope I can catch a break now.

- vetiveroil