vetiveroil

 January 28th, 2026 Today I continued thinking about connection and what it means to connect. Not to feel the bliss and euphoria of sex, but to be emotionally unarmed and unafraid of that armlessness.  I'm struggling to indulge that desire in my real life.  I'm struggling even more to find that escape hatch and leap towards the breakthrough I so deeply need.  I keep taking leaps and right above me is a glass ceiling. I have to crouch otherwise I hit my head. I can't stand up straight so I am forced to crawl through it all. It's immune to my punches, my attempts to shatter it with whatever objects I can find seem futile, and I just can't out-crawl it.  So..what now? How do I break through? Or do I crawl around on my knees the rest of my life?  I can't even see how tall I am - I only know myself on crouched knees.  Yesterday I wanted deeply to connect with someone. It came out so wrong - I think I mistook it for arousal, but I think I just wanted to be h...

 January 25th, 2026 Seems like all I've been doing is shedding. The slow, drawn out, boring work of undressing. That feels invisible to the naked eye. Until it isn't. I've been stripping bare - chamber by chamber. I started taking edibles as of Friday night - I haven't stopped taking them since. The past two days I've been high before bed. I haven't learned to shed my inhibitions otherwise. I am too damn good at bracing. At surviving. At keeping myself composed.  So my skin is hard to peel back. You'd almost think I couldn't, but I still can.  Sometimes the most transformative acts are the most mundane ones.  A few weeks back I was watching a tiktok video about the Islamic concept of sabr .  Sabr (Arabic: صَبْرٌ) is an Islamic term for patience, perseverance, and endurance, representing the ability to remain steadfast in faith, maintain inner peace, and continue doing good actions during difficult times, trials, or when facing unwanted outcomes.  I looke...

 January 25th, 2026 I hid when I saw you Because I was afraid And enthralled all at once And I chose the cowardly out: Hiding.  When you first came near, I stayed It didn't feel threatening But when I looked into your eyes  And I saw how deeply I could look into them I braced I braced for what I had grown accustomed to: The drop,  the disrespect,  the disregard,  the death by a thousand and one cuts You know, the relationship stuff . So as soon as I felt that warmth flooding my chest, it felt scary And so I hid.  I guess that says everything about me, doesn't it? That I flee when you come close, but stare at you with contempt when you stay back.  I want you close, I just can't reconcile The person I see when I'm hurt and the man I see when I'm craving your touch.  I kept saying how much I wanted you to come in , To sit on the windowsill and people watch with me. But I've never had the courage to invite you in. I keep leaving the door ajar beh...

 January 18th, 2026 Last night, I got all serious about my life again, and especially in regards to my career and future trajectory. I'm committing again to my plans. I'm studying for some certifications and planning to supplement my resume for another pivot by the year's end.  I am still on a little bit of a meditative kick following my EMDR session - seems like I am tracking this pattern of safety everywhere I go. The great news is that I had a breakthrough regarding my career trajectory moving forward. The bad news is that the change is a long ways away. I haven't yet overstayed my welcome, but I am reaching the tail end of that branch, so I've got to start planning for the drop. A lot has been on my mind. Of course, work, but also - connection, money, my future, etc. About my career, I have decided the most productive thing I can do right now (aside from working on those certs) is work on getting my nervous system right and expanding my capacity. I have been sho...

​January 11th, 2026 Something I’m grappling with as of late, certainly more than usual, is the result of my incessant self-criticism.  I thought about stretching myself out socially, and perhaps even dating. The thought felt..wrong. For instance, I thought of myself in a room of people, wondering what it is I would have to talk to them about. How it is we would relate and come to understand one another.  I don’t mean to be strange and off-putting, but I guess it is a byproduct of stripping yourself bare constantly.  My presentation is perfectly curated according to the following:  The instinct to self-protect (socially) Everything is filtered through that need. I don’t reveal very much about myself, I'd much rather play the role of a passive observer than participant, I am constantly evaluating the environments I’m in for signs of risk or harm, everyone is potential predator in my mind, and so that leaves little room to connect.  Additionally, so much of my life...

​January 4th, 2026 Today I woke up early, I wanted - needed to make use of the day before it got ahead of me. I made breakfast, got dressed, and went to go complete a load of laundry.  While my clothes were in the wash, I went for a walk. It was sunny, and that made me feel better.  A wrote a letter to my ancestors a few weeks back, asking for help getting my priorities in order, I have a feeling that I’m getting that prayer answered now. I feel a lot more clear-headed than I have been in weeks.  I am choosing to get back into motion after being knocked off course, but that's old news now. My mind is clear, and the path ahead has never looked smoother.  I chose to workout today, to run my errands, to recommit to the things that matter - I chose to write this entry. I want the normalcy I've grown accustomed to back.  I am choosing to focus on my priorities moving forward.  There is much to accomplish this year, and I want to get a head start.  - vetiver...

​January 3rd, 2025 There’s a creator whose content I enjoy watching on TikTok. She talks a lot about the concept of unpunishable women, which has a cool ring to it (LOL).  I think she has a good point, being born a woman is akin to having at minimum one strike against you - the number of strikes grows with every added disadvantage (in my case, being Black, having an immigrant background, not being formally educated, etc.) These strikes determine how hard or easy your life is, and I’m finding mine has been quite difficult so far. As I continue investigating my needs, I find that money is the key ingredient. Having a clean financial ledger. I’m quite consumed with paying down debt, strengthening my emergency fund, collecting skills and certifications, and so on. These seem like the only true pathway to stability, safety, and happiness . Right now, my life needs three things:  1. Money/resources 2. Nervous system regulation 3. Continued support of my body   My body is my ...

 January 3rd, 2025 Today I went back to the gym again.  I had a big breakfast, lounged around for a few hours, and then got dressed for the gym.  I braced myself for fifteen minutes, and even though I felt I could push it to twenty, I didn't.  Afterwards, I went back to the grocery store, and then went to the bank. Nothing eventful happened today, but I am in the early phases of giving myself some structure again. It feels good. I realize that it's a baseline need for me now, in a way it wasn't prior to this past year. It's now my foundation, and things can't exist without their foundations.  I've been doing a lot of thinking. Asking myself the important questions: What's missing from life? Why does it feel so lackluster? What do I have to supplement to make it worthwhile? I think the answer is...motion? I feel stuck, and I feel as though I am stuck in the confines of a life I haven't chosen, and maybe that's why I am so eager to break free. And yet,...

 January 2nd, 2025 Today was the first day in nearly three weeks that things have felt normal .  I am forcing myself to finish and publish this entry to cement that fact. I worked out today, for only fifteen minutes, but that was to prove to myself that I haven't lost my stride. Surprisingly, despite a coughing fit at the tail end of it, I felt great. I got a little burst of energy and went grocery shopping afterwards. I came home and made a steak salad, and I've been eating that since.  Nothing's felt right since I became ill..or maybe I become ill as a result of that, I'm not sure.  Last night I hit a breaking point. I felt frantic, I just wanted out . By any means necessary.  I was certainly not looking for comfort, or a little more wiggle room than I normally have, I just wanted to break free.  Break free from that house. From the pressure and confines I constantly find myself under.  But it's going to take more than a bout of frustration to be fre...