vetiveroil

​December 19th, 2025 Life happened fast this week, I have many unfinished entries that no longer feel right to finish.  In many ways, I’m wondering if these upheavals are for the best, deep down, I know they have to be. I’m contemplating deleting my social media for a bit, and simply getting back to the basics.  But again, if I am honest, that is a cheap attempt at regaining a sense of control when life has suddenly felt out of control for me. I left work on time today, courtesy of finishing my class. I headed straight to the gym for a workout. Hard to believe that exercise no longer feels like a punishment from God, but rather, something you do. Anyway, during my workout, I thought about this Summer, and how good and promising life felt. I began to ask myself if this is the natural decline that'll lead me to another peak.  I've gotten so good at preemptively numbing myself out when life dips, is that a problem?  Anyway, an error I made - 3 months ago came full circ...

 December 14th, 2025 On Friday, I took home my desert rose. Work didn't feel like the right place for it anymore.  Truthfully speaking, I've been neglecting it. Frayed leaves, mineral build up all over the rim of the pot, Underwatering some weeks, low sunlight on most days. Where now, do I put this living thing? I used to have a clear place for it, A place with lots of sun, and close to me. Now, it seems like no matter how much I move it,  I just can't give it what it needs.  My precious little desert rose.  You fed me all Summer.  With your pretty pink blooms, And elegant caudex, And shiny waxy green leaves. I just don't have a good place for you right now.  I'm hoping to figure it out soon. - vetiveroil

December 14th, 2025 I stayed up late last night, just thinking, and thinking, and thinking.. I wrote a letter to the ancestors, just asking for guidance, because I don't feel I have it in my physical life.  I asked for help planting my feet back on the ground, because I haven't been rooted for some time, now.  It dawned on me that I am repeating a mistake I've critiqued my mom for before - the inability to shelf my ego and simply admit that I was wrong . That I miscalculated someone's character, and was suffering as a result.  The dissolution of my ego in order to move forward feels particularly painful.  I feel: I can't trust myself, because in such matters, my wounds lead the way My discernment is entangled with my own projections, therefore unclean Shame feels HOT . Like freshly poured candle wax on the skin. I couldn't stand it, so after my workout today, I went out into the bitter cold, hoping it would cool me down, but it only did so temporarily. So after ...

 December 13th, 2025 When I was younger, I would try again and again to "lose weight" - and time and time again, I would have a bad day and completely derail the entire process. I struggled to look at my reflection while waiting for the changes to happen. I felt hopeless every time I looked at myself.  Today, I am derailing my future, my progress, and so on, because I can't take the clumsiness of trying to be something other than what I've rehearsed and practiced for twenty four years.  I forced myself to go to bed last night, because I was not in a good mental space. I couldn't stop myself from crying about the things that I realized yesterday, so I took some melatonin drops and went to bed.  This morning, I woke up, still stewing in a cocktail of shame, self-loathing, and disillusionment. I ate breakfast, stewed in it some more before I headed to the gym. I didn't wear any makeup given the recent chemical-peel and deep extractions, but I did lather on the su...

 December 12th, 2025 Today it dawned on me the weight of my poor self-concept.  If the inner world of every human was structured how our bodies were, I would imagine self-concept to be the skeletal system. Following that model, I am boneless.  I have some muscle, sure, lots of skin, some organs, and so on - but no bones.  It dawned on me today that my jagged childhood/adolescent development has resulted in me being a very angsty and confused adult woman at this point in time. It's so deeply internalized that people have a hard time believing me, but I see it. Today I realized that I was suppressing my intuition.  My insecurities are making me sloppy  and the effect is compounding over time, especially professionally.  I realized today that my recent opening has been making me appear too porous, and boundaryless. I feel ashamed of myself for not conducting myself like the person I am within. For being careless in my behavior. I felt disrespected today, ...

 December 11th, 2025 Orange Moon by Erykah Badu makes me deeply nostalgic. It reminds me of the innocence I had once as a girl . We are always growing and experiencing firsts in life, and so in a way, I don't believe it's ever fully possible to ever lose your innocence. That being said, I do sometimes miss that girl.  That sensitive, gentle , yet private girl that I once walked the earth as.  I wonder if I'll look back at this current version of me some years from now and feel the same.  That's all. - vetiveroil

​December 11th, 2025 Today it dawned on me that I am beginning to master what it is I have been doing for the past year. Wonderful as it is, I know this isn’t the end..not even close . This is probably the first knot of maybe twelve.  I’m getting back under control from my little appetite spiral that’s been occurring since like the week of Thanksgiving. I’m feeling more attuned to my body, which feels great.  At work, I’m doing well . I’m happy.  I’m comfortable with everything happening around me. I feel great that I have achieved so much this year. In spite of all the challenges, my 8H moon resilience has carried me through. That's priceless.  Truthfully speaking, I’m fighting new devils now. I’m in such a new and raw place within myself. It’s the beginning of a very, very, very delayed awakening, and it’s scary and confusing, and I don’t feel any more prepared than I would’ve if it occurred in my teens (like it did for most people).  Feels like added pressur...

​December 9th, 2025 Yesterday I mentioned to my friend/classmate that I thought I was more right-brained.  We then went on to bond over being very meaning-seeking people and how difficult it made surface level relating, because we just weren't comfortable staying on that plane alone.  She is someone I am getting to know, and also someone I enjoy speaking to. She is kind, and warm. Calm and also funny . It's hard not to enjoy her company, for those very reasons.  Well, today I’m thinking of all of the languages I’m learning to speak. All of the rooms I’m learning to stand comfortably in.  For instance in my career , I’m learning to speak a language I didn’t understand very well at first. I’m starting with the script, learning the alphabet. It dawned on me today that I have absorbed a lot . I know so much compared to a year ago. It makes me proud, because I've studied a lot. Sacrificed a ton for this language. I am still throwing my precious belongings into the fire of...

​December 5th, 2025 I watched this video that got me thinking about the realities of the world. About strife, the loss of innocence, and the complete absolution of one’s ego in the pursuit of self-actualization. Or at the very least, the attempt.  It puts things into perspective for me. Primarily, the fact that I am not doing poorly in life because I am struggling through it, or meant to flee and try something easier because I’m struggling. It really just means I am not taking the shortcuts - not because I am righteous, but because I haven't had the choice to opt out of living.  The “humiliation rituals” in question are all of the consequences of daring to do . They’re the things that test our patience, bruise our egos, and sometimes even scar us psychologically - but also, they can be the lessons that we learn. You can’t unlearn what you’ve learned and there is tremendous value in that.  A year ago, around this time, I was getting ready to undergo one of the most diffi...

​December 4th, 2025 Today, I experienced something really sweet and serendipitous .  The Destiny Matrix reading I impulsively bought on Friday was delivered to me. I got the notification right before I went for my afternoon walk and I was antsy as hell to read it. I put on my coat (another Black Friday purchase), my gloves, and stepped outside.  I had asked about getting more entrenched in this industry I am in now, and if it was a good decision (my heart and body feel at ease here, despite the bullshit, so I knew it was true, but wanted to see what fate had to say).  The response to my question read: Hi!  About your transition into this industry  - this is actually a really great opportunity.  You're moving in the right direction for yourself, and your income can also grow within the next two years. These next two years are very important because you'll be gaining new experience and you'll have a real chance to show what you're capable of and reveal your t...

​December 2nd, 2025 I went to bed late last night, but still set my alarms 15 minutes earlier than usual.  Despite all of that, I woke up this morning with a heavy feeling of unease on my chest. It’s related to work, my plans in the new year, and so on.  Changes are the one constant in life and yet they never cease to make me anxious. Cold sweats and sleepless nights are a thing again. I find myself clamming up out of anxiety and insecurity - which I resent.  I keep trying to remind myself that fear and anxiety are much bigger in my head than in reality. I’m quite stealthy and quick on my feet when problems strike, and I adapt quickly.  Deep, deep down under that fear, I feel protected, I know that I am always being protected, and it makes me more agile when the changes do come too suddenly.  Everything is going fine, for now, but at times, I worry that something might go wrong and destabilize me altogether.  Anyway, I’m keeping myself together by counting ...

​December 1st, 2025 December 1st, wow!  I can hardly believe how short the time span between this December and the last has been, and yet the difference is HUGE.  Last December I started my current job, I was struggling a LOT, I’m much more confident now.  Last December I was fresh off the table from my surgery (LOL) and wondering if I’d look back in a totally different body (I am!)  Last December I had significantly less money, this December I’m working with a little more (thank God!)  Last December I was determined to wedge myself in spaces that wouldn’t freely accept me, this December I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ll never fit there (round peg in a square hole!)  Last December I wanted to be anyone but me, this December I still struggle from time to time, but I’m coming to terms with who I am and that old feeling is dispersing.  December 2026…who will I be? What will be my life? Will I like myself even more? Will I have more money? Will I ...