AUGUST’S RETURN
August 1st, 2026
Feels like just yesterday when I was writing my terms and conditions list for twenty four. I haven’t figured out what that list is comprised of for twenty-five, but that’s a common occurrence, so I’m sure the terms will make themselves known in the coming weeks.
I’m managing semi-well, today. It’s a Saturday. A beautiful, sunny, and warm Saturday. I’m going to dine seaside with a friend in about four hours’ time, so that’s fun. Unfortunately I slept like shit last night (no one’s fault but my own) so I’m spent and it’s only 4PM. I ate a big, sweet breakfast. Then I went and got some bloodwork done for my accutane prescription, then I went to the gym for the first time in weeks. I did some intense cardio, which felt good. I’m off my period now, so I feel 10 lbs lighter. And my appetite is fully loaded, too. Surprisingly I maintained my weight, rather than gaining, which I thought I had.
I am sensing that my body loves this weight range I'm in, and meanwhile, I've got eighteen pounds to lose before I hit the number I want to hit, which is indeed very frustrating.
I went and got my nails done. I thought venus transiting my 1H would be a wonderful experience, so far, it's making me feel nitpicky and annoying (Venus debilitates in Virgo) - I'm concerned about the experience of having this in my first house this solar return year. It hasn't activated yet, but I am feeling a ton of pressures around relationships and connecting with people. Dynamics feel so much more tense than they have in a while, and for some reason it no longer helps to dissociate and pretend to be unaffected by them - which is something I am used to doing. I'm very critical of myself and my responses, and something that I am witnessing in the process is the strength of one's subconscious mind and nervous system. Mine tells me all of the time that I am in great danger where other people are concerned, and so everything is filtered through this lens of danger and needing to wall myself off and protect myself from said dangers. A friend is a foe, and a foe is a friend. There's no real distinction, I guess, beyond how they make me feel recurringly or in that moment, which I acknowledge is emotionally immature to say, but it's really the way my brain operates, and I'm trying my best to analyze it in a non-critical way.The danger is always present, and my fear mechanisms always stay activated, despite my conscious mind's say-so.
I went ahead and re-activated my Personal Development School membership to see if I can do something about this landmine of triggers that is both on and in me. I feel like I am walking around with a thousand porcupine needles in me at all times, it's never comfortable. I am always in pain, sometimes the pain is so subtle I tune it out, but if I brush up against something, it hurts a LOT, and in that I feel as though I've encountered an enemy, and really they just happened to brush up too close to a wound. Poor them.
I am tired of feeling like an emotional wreck. Like I can only be around people with a clenched jaw, concealed fists, and grinded teeth - which is why I can't bear it, and haven't been able to bear it the past decade or so of my life.
Besides that, I am working around the extreme resistance I am having to making birthday plans. Twenty-five is such a milestone, and it would feel like a shame to waste it. I am making a note to write out a FA/Disorganized list - which I suppose includes fears, subconscious needs, triggers, and so on.
- vetiveroil
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