ON LETTING THE CHIPS FALL WHERE THEY MAY:

August 20th, 2026

Today, I had a good day. A great day, actually.

One thing I am learning to do, is let the chips fall where they may. I suppose there's immense wisdom in that, as a Central 10 Arcana. There's divinity, even in error (I believe I journaled about this before). 

I met with a client today, that new tiny project I was told about. I'm anxious, and yet, this all seems doable. I'm concerned about my current trajectory. My aim was to complete multiple jobs, a lot of experience and scale very quickly. That is not panning out in the manner I had exactly hoped, but studying my own history tells me that at the end of this journey, I'll have the right amount of everything I need to move forward. I just will, so I'll leave it at that. I just have to focus on the right outcomes between now and then. That requires for me to let the chips fall where they may. 

I started journaling about the concept of developing an "erotic identity" (not at all my concept or verbiage), but the ideas haven't ripened enough just yet, so I'll sit on it for now. Though, I am thinking of someone I've recently developed a small crush on. Given the circumstances at hand, I am wondering how far I want to ride that wave. If there is a wave to ride. I realize today that this person makes me feel...safe to exist. The awkwardness in that is precisely that - my defenses are totally lowered, and so my disorganized brain feels paranoid that I'll get thrown off a cliff or something when I am not looking. 

And yet, there is something so warm, so unpretentious about the way he connects, and I am both fascinated with and afraid of it. I'm trying to figure out how to come to terms with those feelings while also being normal about it. 

It dawned on me also, that I like being seen by him, and not the feeling of being scrutinized. It feels good. Warm. Pleasant. Perhaps that's something I need to lean into more. 

I am grateful for where I am currently. This company I am working for currently seems to have opened up and welcomed me with open arms. I guess destiny embraces you, and I'm used to going against the grain of destiny, and maybe that's why life has felt so strenuous. It takes a lot of effort to engineer movement. 

I've never really been good at permanently dwelling, but I can see myself here roughly two years from now. 

I am letting the chips fall where they may those next twennty-four-ish months. 

- vetiveroil