vetiveroil

July 27th, 2026 Lately I keep finding myself bracing for something to go wrong, and when it does, I always ask myself: What did I do? Is there a blindspot somewhere? Am I not seeing what others aren't seeing and maybe that's why I just leave a bad taste in everyone else's mouth?  You were kind, and warm, and somehow by the end of it all, I turned you cold as ice, and I'll never know why. Or how.  What did I do? I thought I was putting my best foot forward. I thought I was being my best self, and somehow even that didn't stop the stench from hitting the back of your throat.  I think I was putting on my life vest, and maybe I elbowed you in the process.  I stopped afterwards to see that you were okay, but by then, it didn't seem as though you wanted to speak.  I tried to show you that it was an accident, but you'd stopped listening to me by then.  Am I such a rotten girl that I could convert a friend into a bitter foe unknowingly?  Could it be that I hur...

​July 23rd, 2026 I’m oddly clearheaded today.  Maybe it’s the fact that Mercury is on the cusp of stationing direct soon. Maybe it’s because after intense day one cramps yesterday, I’m finally able to enjoy being out of my Luteal phase. Whatever the cause may be, I’m feeling like I’m at another peak, finally, after clawing my way up from another valley.  Yesterday, I spoke with my therapist about my social struggles at work. The conversation, I suppose, can be summarized into an attempt at finding balance,  The one thing my disorganized attachment brain and nervous system is the mostly poorly trained at. I’m very good at traversing extremes, at some point, I think I began to develop an affinity for it. Not because I wanted to, but because after so much practice, I understood it really well.  I mentioned to my therapist that I could understand how I’m subconsciously making people uneasy with my scolding hot or freezing cold temperament, especially when there’s no obvi...

​July 18th, 2026 Last night, as the cough medicine started kicking in, and my eyelids started getting heavy; I started drifting into a fantasy.  It was evening time, we were together in Amsterdam.  I had my back against the railing. Behind me, the water was sparkling from the moonlight above. You leaned in and wrapped your arm around my waist.  I leaned in, and kissed you. It was just us two for a moment, on this planet.  Our planet.  I ran my hand up and down your chest, and your shoulders, and took in the fabric of your shirt. The smell of your skin. I ran my fingers through your hair. You held me close, and I felt myself melting in your embrace.  Cheek against cheek, I just took it in. You and I, entwined by the water. I wish we could stay that way forever .  A lovely evening in Amsterdam, indeed. 

​July 13th, 2026 This morning I woke up feeling a little wired. I went to bed on time, but that didn’t make the difference I hoped it would. I keep reminding myself of this:  There is no where better to be than here, right now.  It’s tempting. Reality is a lot less polished. It’s grittier. There can always be something to improve. Someone to be mad at. I take that bait often. Too often.  7:37PM  I'm home right now. In my bed, belly full, legs sprawled out, with the A/C blasting. Today was quite a day, so I'm letting myself bask in this. I changed my schedule around, and so I'll be home before 7PM for a change, and that's wonderful. I walked about twenty blocks to Penn today. That was fine, too, as the weather was practically perfect. Sunny, but not blistering. Warm, but not humid. Dry, but not arrid. I took in the sights as I walked my way down 34th St. Lots and lots of attractive, well dressed, young people around. Lots of ongoing construction, and I got the feeling...

 July 12th, 2026 This time around last week, my grandma passed. her name was G esula .  A name I am ashamed to admit I forgot she was called. For a long time she has been: Grandmère.  Granmè. Grandma.  Madan Gerard.  And on  occasions so far and few  they're closer to distant memory, she was G esula .  Her passing didn't come as a total surprise, but it's been a shock nonetheless. And I find myself feeling a sudden bout of anger and grief now that I couldn't quite access even five days ago.  It feels so unfair to me that her life came and went, undoubtedly without pain, and where is her retribution? Where is her Iris Avenue? Where is she now? Did she suffer? Did she think of me before transitioning?   It's dawning on me that I don't have many photos of her, if any. I do not know the intimate details of her life. I don't know the name of her parents, whether she had siblings, her favorite food, or anything that made her a human ....

 July 9th, 2026 Earlier I saw a video on my TikTok feed called ' mise-en-place '. I thought long and hard about where I'd heard that term before, and my brain took me back to the 9th or 10th grade (I honestly can't remember, but I think it was 9th). I had a really sweet culinary teacher (whose name I have also forgotten :/) who taught us that term our first class, and it ended up being the keystone of her teaching principles for the duration of that entire course.  I guess as a Virgo rising, I sort of understand the importance of it, but historically, I haven't always been the best at it. These days, I am sort of. A lot of resources I'm used to having a lot of are now scarce (for instance - time) and so I have to make the best of what I have. As the saying goes, what's scarce is highly coveted. It's true. Twenty minutes used to feel like nothing to me, and now, it's the difference between getting home early enough to set up for the next day without ...

 July 5th, 2026 It's Sunday today. I was proactive over this long weekend, and spread out all that I would have to do to prep for the upcoming week, and so today I am tidying up my space, and I'm mostly free from there.  I used to have a better tolerance for clutter, and now, I almost can't stand it at all. I obsessively cleaned my bathroom, my room, washed a few pieces of clothes, ironed said pieces of clothes, swept the floors, mopped the floors, lit about 8 sticks of incense, lit some tiny tea light candles I had lying around, minimized the clutter in my room (slowly but surely I am finding a place for all of my things - and if there is no place for them, I am starting to throw them out).  After all that was said and done, I still had a sore throat (maybe it's the massage I had yesterday, the sweltering heat, and maybe the fact that I was packed like a sardine on that damn ferry bench), and I still had no idea what to do with myself. I've been doing a lot to try ...

 July 4th, 2026 Today was the Fourth of July. A particularly special one, too. For the second year in a row, I spent it in the city with my good friend S. We laughed at it being a developing tradition of ours, and I love that.  We began our day at 7AM and headed to Governor's Island to a popular spa. We spent five hours in the sweltering heat and unrelenting sun. By the time we left, I was packed in between two strangers on a ferry bench, drenched. It was in the high nineties today, and the sun was by far the most uncomfortable part of it all. Afterwards, we went to Chinatown and had the most fabulous two and half hour service I've experienced in my life so far. I got a Lavender and salt scrub, and I guess it made me realize the importance of human touch. I had a deep cleanse facial afterwards and by the time the service ended, I couldn't really even speak or keep my eyes open. My friend S dozed off the entire time (LOL).  The sun died down significantly by the time we l...

 July 3rd, 2026 I went to bed around midnight yesterday, and slept in until around 9AM, which was around 8.5hrs of sleep. I woke up naturally around then feeling mostly rested. I was tempted to bomb my caloric intake with all kinds of sweets, and I sort of did before my day got started. I went to the gym with a newer friend from my walking club, we caught up and worked out which was quite nice. I just realized how much muscle mass I've lost over the past year, I'm not used to not being physically strong, so it feels a little odd.  I ran a few errands, and I'm in the middle of meal prepping now. My brain keeps brainstorming "problems" to fixate on, and I find that I am constantly course correcting my own brain. I think back to something a colleague of mine said yesterday: "The work will always be there." It will indeed. There will always be problems to solve, sectors of life to optimize, messes to clean, and so on. The Summer is practically finished as ...

 July 2nd, 2026 I am reflecting on time a lot these days. Since I have so little of it to myself now, each minute feels ever more precious. One minute a few weeks ago was no big deal, and now a minute is a matter of life or death damn near. If I am one minute late, I miss my subway, I miss my train, and that sets me back at least a half hour. At least . There's an urgency that this city breeds into you. I'm not liking it so much. I always thought I would.  I'm not used to conceptualizing my life in that way. It never used to hit deep when people would say something was "a waste" of "time" - time wasn't quite as finite as it is now, and so it felt like overkill, and to be honest, a little pretentious. These days, I am starting to get it. You can only be so many places at once. I structure my time a lot better now. For instance, we had a heat wave today in the city. I left around 1:50PM, made it just in time for the subway, and by the time I got off, ...