vetiveroil

  MY DESIRES: First and foremost, I want a big loft for an apartment.  → it must feel warm - with brick finishes and solid wood throughout. → a venetian plaster mural at the corridor. → large, floor to ceiling windows → a plot of land to grow vetiver and lavender on. → a plant nursery to house my adeniums. → an art collection comprised of pieces from my friends. → wall-mounted incense burners to waft throughout the space - anytime I want.  → hardwood floors or black large format tiles. → an Andrianna Shamaris petrified wood console table. → a Japanese style soaking tub (made of black stone). → a solid wood 8ft table to host frequent dinner parties at. I want a pet cat (a girl) and a big ass flemish rabbit (also a girl).  I want a career I built just for me - not just something I stumbled into. I want to travel (often) and indulge my curiosity. I want a body I love to look at, that feels good to live in. I want to have real connections, not just a passive network of ...

 July 27th, 2025 This morning I did my makeup, wore earrings, and slicked my hair back (as much as I could in its current state). What I intended to do was buy coffee and go to the park for another long walk, but then it started to pour vigorously, so I ended up at the gym, over-done, smelling like my Rose-Oudh tincture..trying to catch my breath on a treadmill - sweat running down my temples.   For what it's worth, I left still looking good. I saw that the gallery I used to frequent earlier this year was having a celebration to commemorate the program I knew them for, as well as a farewell because they are shutting down for the time being. A part of me was wanting to shower, dress myself elegantly, and go - partially because I'd like to attend and commemorate what's happening, but mostly because I hoped I'd see someone I haven't crossed paths with in some time.  It was sometime in March when we first crossed paths.  I had stumbled into the gallery purely by cha...

 July 23rd, 2025 Today was taxing as hell.  Maybe it's day three of my period, maybe I'm just running on five hours of sleep, and maybe it's because I haven't eaten more than like 600 calories a day in the past 4 days - I am spent . I went to the park for a long walk after work today, 45 minutes and 3 miles into it I realized I fucked up. I was too tired to walk back and so it was sleep in the park, or risk passing out. I didn't pass out, thankfully. Today I received exciting news - I was approved to proceed with something I asked for at work. An opportunity to upskill, and I feel so much more secure about it.  I am tempted to start overthinking and doubting myself. Yet there's a part of me that knows clearly the things I want, and is willing to pursue them head on.  I have to keep reminding myself that the entire journey won't always be visible, and sometimes taking the first step is what sets things in motion - and said motion is constantly shifting accord...

July 21st, 2025 Today was a blur, but, that’s been the entire month of July so far. All I can recall is that it’s been “slow” — so unlike the month of March..and May where everything felt like it was happening in light years. In March, I felt 13 again, in May, I had just turned 16. In July, I’m just 23.. I think one thing I’m allowing myself to swallow is the idea that I may forever be invisible . And I’m figuring out how I’d live my life if that were just a given..because it has felt that way for some time now. I’m still working on my terms and conditions for the upcoming year, but I know for a fact one of them will be to cease trying to appear..Simple as it sounds, it’s so taxing, and maybe July is the perfect month for early application of concept. For a long time, my strategy..or rather - my subconscious thought process has been to analyze and refine myself according to that data (in true Virgo fashion, LOL) what isn’t optimal for the results that I’m looking for. For instance, my ...

July 20th, 2025 My desert rose is on its third bloom cycle now.  Two Monday mornings ago, when I pulled up the blinds, the biggest bloom was beginning to sag, just as the one next to it was on the verge of opening up. Currently, I am staring at two flowers — which is delightful.  I have never, and still don't consider myself to be a plant person. However, I knew for some time that I'd wanted an adenium  before I saw them in person on my way out of a Trader Joe's I frequent. It wasn't ideal in any sense.  I imagined I'd have one of the arabicum vairety (my favorite) with a huge caudex and dozens of bright pink flowers, but most importantly, I imagined that it would have the sentimental value of being gifted to me by a lover. Like with a bouquet of roses, it's what I wrote down in my journal and hoped would manifest. At that point, May had sprung into June, the man I met the month prior had vanished and with that vanishment came a lingering bitterness. I spent an ...

July 19th, 2025 Today I drove to a wine bar in Brooklyn. I was hoping to secure a venue for my birthday party, but upon arrival, I found that I didn't care for the neighborhood or actual bar very much...I was able to commission my birthday cake, that I am very happy about.  I'm in disbelief that twenty-four is now on my doorstep, it feels like I accomplished so much, but in comparison to my desires, it feels very little. While driving through Brooklyn and the Western tip of Long Island, I was taking mental notes of which areas I liked the most, and which areas were particularly affluent or culturally homogenized. My brain also couldn't help but note the unkempt, clearly impoverished areas as well as what the people who inhabited them looked like. It all felt so extreme. I began to feel sad at how limiting poverty is, how political something as abstract as beauty could be and how so much of what we can accomplish is dictated by the amount of resources we have available to u...

July 17th, 2025 I stopped praying when I was around 11 years old. Back then, I was taught to pray the Mormon way, which starts with: Dear Heavenly Father, and ends with: And I say all of this, in the name of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ,      Amen. These days, I am praying again, to perhaps a totally different entity, but I can't help but follow the same sequence. Every morning, after I’ve dressed myself for work, packed my breakfast and work lunch, grabbed my keys, and put on shoes and earrings, I find myself reaching for the little vial of Vetiver oil on my bedside table. I’ll roll it around in my hands, and then one drop on each wrist and start my prayer.  Vetiver originates from the Indian subcontinent.  Most of the Vetiver used commercially - I've read is produced in Haiti. From an agricultural and practical standpoint, it's a stable crop to grow and harvest, and is said to aid in protecting land from soil erosion. From a metaphysical perspec...