ONE OF THOSE NIGHTS

 July 5th, 2026

It's Sunday today. I was proactive over this long weekend, and spread out all that I would have to do to prep for the upcoming week, and so today I am tidying up my space, and I'm mostly free from there. 

I used to have a better tolerance for clutter, and now, I almost can't stand it at all. I obsessively cleaned my bathroom, my room, washed a few pieces of clothes, ironed said pieces of clothes, swept the floors, mopped the floors, lit about 8 sticks of incense, lit some tiny tea light candles I had lying around, minimized the clutter in my room (slowly but surely I am finding a place for all of my things - and if there is no place for them, I am starting to throw them out). 

After all that was said and done, I still had a sore throat (maybe it's the massage I had yesterday, the sweltering heat, and maybe the fact that I was packed like a sardine on that damn ferry bench), and I still had no idea what to do with myself. I've been doing a lot to try and cope with the discomfort I feel around not knowing what the fuck is going on around me. I don't even know who I am these days, let alone who I truly want to be. I just know that everything feels *wrong* in a way that's not quite explicable. I've been contemplating moving out West for a change of pace. My growing dissatisfaction with New York simply won't quit, it just feels like I'm wearing a ball gown that's just way too tight, way too itchy, and that I just don't feel good in. I hate ball gowns. 

Which of my transits is bringing this feeling back up? I just don't know..

Back to the move - my mind wants to imagine that a change in scenery would be good for me. That I'd do well and soar. But part of me remembers that this is the frame of reference I used when I decided to drop out of school, simply because there was no end in sight at the time. That's a decision I've spent the last six years repenting for, so I'm treading lightly here. And yet, there's something about me that always approaches life as if it's too fragile to be left unattended (uncontrolled) - like things are barely hanging by a thread, and so I need to hover constantly, lest one of the fibers snap and the piece shatter when it hits the ground. Am I innately a chaotic, inconsistent, and flaky individual? Maybe. I've certainly done chaotic, inconsistent, and flaky things before. Yet, I find that I am becoming increasingly rigid about other things (cleanliness for instance). I think I;m avoiding some sort of ego death and maybe that's why I feel so restless. 

I took some melatonin to try and sleep off this sore throat, hopefully I wake up feeling better. Being ill in this heat feels like a nightmare.Hopefully it's not my reality.

I'm finding a way to remain grateful for these new problems. Life could be worse, in fact, it has been way worse. I have to keep that at the forefront of my brain. 

- vetiveroil