vetiveroil

 September 28th, 2025 It's Sunday night and I'm realizing that I enjoyed my weekend.  I don't say that often, and to be honest, I've been in an emotional spiral for the past few weeks, so this feels like a treat. I feel like the hammam treatment I had done yesterday washed away my sins, and maybe that's how powerful ritual is for the human psyche.  I feel as though I've been reborn! I think something I am realizing is that I am in this cycle regardless of who is in it with me. I'm getting over that door that felt like it slammed shut in my face and coming to terms with the fact that it may never re-open and I have to not only make peace with that very likely outcome, but find a way not to linger behind it, lest I miss all of the other doors opening around me. I've had quite the appetite today - actually I've been wrestling with my appetite for some time now. I'm wondering if it's psychological or physical to be this hungry .  Hungry for sweet...

 September 21st, 2025 This eclipse season has been beating my ass - psychologically and physically. I think a breakthrough is on the horizon, though.  I got another journal this weekend. I can't cope with the signals of genuine distress I'm emitting and so to help myself, I'm going back to something I know: writing. I guess the act of putting pen to paper is so profoundly therapeutic for me that this is taking a back seat. Sometime soon, I'll divulge the changes and insights I've been able to retrieve. For now, I am simply too ashamed to blog. To counteract the shame I've been purging the past week - I'm deciding to list out what I need to do in the coming weeks to stay sane: 1. Find an EMDR therapist. 2. Retain said therapist for at least 3 sessions.  3. Drop these 6 lbs by mid-October.  4. Maintain a B average in my course.  5. Start swimming again.  Focusing on these 5 things will help me maintain a sense of control over my own mind and therefore he...

September 18th, 2025 Today was rough. What I want is repelled by me and I have to find a way to cope with that. I still haven't (really).  In the midst of my chaos, I stayed true.  I went for a walk today and saw a car whose license plate read: 777 IN GOD WE TRUST I figured that was a sign to keep trekking forward. I think I got more angry today than anything. It's a funny jump from the sadness I've been wallowing in the past few days. I don’t feel like being too nice, or too communicative. Which is strange because typically, I can’t stand the tension of distance. It makes me feel like someone is mad at me and it hurts . Subconsciously, whether I want to admit it or not, I measure my worth based on the reaction of others, what a double edged sword that is. I thought about how personally I take small things as a result of that thinking. Constantly feeling that I'm owed warmth and kindness otherwise it makes me ache and I have to find a way to fix it. I’m unamused these d...

 September 17th, 2025 It's been an interesting past few days to say the least. Yesterday evening, the flood gates opened and I was able to squeeze out a few tears. This morning, I woke up feeling tender, but lighter .  All day today, I was in a somber mood. My head was swarmed with thoughts, and shame, and guilt, and fear, and nothing could bring me any relief. After work, I drove to class with tears forming but not quite flowing. The one break I got from my own mind was during our countless exercises in class. Nevermind that I am not fully grasping the concept, and that's worrying - but I had complete silence for those 2.5 hours. Complete and utter silence, a luxury I didn't quite grasp until I left class it all began again. The shame spiral peaked during my workout, and I thought for sure my lungs would give out - not from the movement, but from being overwhelmed. I got home, tried eating - but I'm feeling peckish these days. The positive thing about all of this is th...

September 15th, 2025 This morning I woke up with a heavy heart.  I’m trying to make sense of what I just saw. What I sensed and how that ties into whatever perceptions (illusion) I held prior. The Buddha says that all desire is illusory in nature and therefore will lead to suffering. I’m beginning to see that happening in my life. For instance, all I could think about was you . I wanted you to look at me back and yet I kept getting the impression that we were like oil and water. In the same container, touching just briefly before quickly separating. Even when you are near, you remain so far, and all I wanted to do was lean in . All I wanted from you was for you to do the same. For there to be balance .  I’m wondering what it is about you that draws me in. Is it your soulful core?  It’s said that everything is its opposite extreme. You’re so still and that it unnerves me. I’m like a monsoon in your presence.  I sense  tension . Like you're avoiding me and I'm ...

September 13th, 2025 I figured I must be hallucinating, I got on the train back home this evening, and on the other end of the train car stood someone who was a spitting image of you. Down to the side profile.  I was starstruck, and kept trying to imagine the irony in it actually being you. I kept staring at the poor guy, trying to make out the differences I could spot from far.  Relief and disappointment filled me up when I realized it wasn't you. Relief, because I don’t think I’d muster up the courage to say anything, I don’t really think I’d have the words. Everything feels too casual and heavy simultaneously.  I thought about how much it meant to me that we crossed paths. How it destabilized me at first, because I wasn't really prepared for what that sort of thing when we first met. In fact, I was still hiding from myself (and the world). Anyway.. I'm hoping that we'll meet again, and that I'll have the bandwidth to learn you more without getting whisked away...

 September 11th, 2025 Gone are the days where I could openly and shamelessly indulge in hollow acts of desperation. I suppose that's a good thing, but I still feel hollow sometimes, and I can't fill myself up to feel better and that sucks. Today was underwhelming. It was a long day, I got home at 7pm, parked, and started a walk to hit my last 1,000 steps of the day. I had a craving for Coke Zero so I got some. I wasn't hungry when I got home, so I'm eating a pumpkin spice chocolate chip cookie.  I found myself craving to be filled up again. Not by food this time, but with love . With tenderness and attention. I couldn't find it, so the Coke Zero, the cookie, some plastic surgery ideation, this entry - they're all a close enough substitute when I pile them up together.  I try not to let the feeling of hopelessness linger too long, otherwise depression starts to set in.  On the plastic surgery thing, I found myself going doing that spiral again - coagulating deser...

September 11th, 2025 Last month, I went out with some friends and wore a long black dress, and a sheer black asymmetrical cover-up. Safe to say, it was a little intense for bar hopping. A man tapped me on the shoulder while I was standing outside with a drink in my hand and asked me: What made you wear all black tonight? We both looked down at my outfit.  It made me laugh, honestly. But I’ve been asking myself for some time now..why black? I thought about it while driving a couple days ago..what I’d say if we ever got the chance to finish our conversation. I’d probably reply back that black is a formal color, it’s hard to wear it casually because it carries a lot of visual weight . For that reason, I suppose it’s protective. It conceals, and that makes me feel safe with it on. It's very resistant to penetration, it feels like.  Strangely enough, ever since I decided to keep my bed (frame), I’ve been making my peace with the color white. Deciding it’s not that bad of a color. I...

September 10th, 2025 Today was another good day, not awfully unlike the days prior, except a few things.. I made a mistake at work - or maybe I didn’t I’m not sure. I know that the feedback I received was overwhelmingly abrasive and scary so that almost constitutes as fucking up as far as my nervous system is concerned. Anyway, it nearly made me late for class, but not really. I had to redirect my focus so that I wasn’t distracted by my own fear. When I arrived on campus, I was scanning for parking and ended up parking in a space intended for faculty. There were no adverse consequences so I’m likely to do it again. I made it to class in time, with a few minutes to spare and I was honestly kind of out of breath, so I needed those minutes. I found class to be a little boring, a little preachy. I’m realizing that as much of an overthinker as I am, I get antsy if I’m expected to listen as opposed to doing . It’s like paralysis or something. Anyway, I was going in and out during my professo...

September 8th, 2025 ♦ I'm thinking of you I'm thinking of you Thinking of you Why can't I tell if you're into me? I'm on nine, you're on five Been away for a couple of weeks Could be more 'cause I lost track of time Driving on the wrong side thinking of you On the tenth floor, thinking of you And it isn't like me to be insecure Oh, what have you done to my mind? Oh, oh, wanna be with you, wanna be with you Oh, my God, I'm a mess Boy, you got to me, got to me You know you got to me Try to forget about you, with no chance I wasn't looking for romance Blue skies but I'm in the dark Waiting for someone to come pick me up Uuh uuh, oh, oh, I'm thinking of you, I'm thinking of you Uuh uuh, oh, oh, I'm thinking of you, I'm thinking of you I'm thinking of you I'm thinking of you In the hills with the windows down, Telling me he wants to show me around He knows somebody with the fancy house On the playlist, soon to be famous He ...

September 8th, 2025 I had a chance to let all of my insights marinate this weekend, and I woke up this morning with a strange sense of..sadness? So much of my suspicions had been put to rest, and it’s hitting me in waves. First was the vindication, second came the anger, third is the grief of being right . I’ve no idea if anything comes next. I’m grateful for another morning, another week! Primarily, the gratitude is stemming from the fact that I’m slowly, but consistently establishing a foundation of leverage and security for myself - at least that’s what I keep telling myself when I have to do the unpleasant things no one else seems to have to do. It makes the pill a little easier to swallow.  I had a thought this morning: The difference between me now and younger me is that I’m giving myself permission to do things and derive pleasure from them.  Allowing myself grace to feel desire without the overwhelming feeling of shame constricting it. Strangely enough, last night I...

September 7th, 2025 I’m happy today. I feel that I was able to get the reset I deserve this week. I’m eating cleaner and my intense sugar cravings have dialed down a LOT. I’ve slept well, and tomorrow is another chance to start anew. Tomorrow I have work, and then class. After that, I’m packing clothes so I can go right to the gym. I’ve prepared my breakfast, among other things, and so I’m planning to have a great and productive day. Today, I was thinking about the concept of boundaries and what it means to establish relationships on stable grounds, which requires both (or all) individuals’ comfort and feelings to be taken into account and balanced. That’s something I’ve historically missed. I’ve been both extremely selfish and extremely selfless (which is ironically a form of selfishness). Somehow I’m re-tracing my steps and figuring out the error in my own formula. It sounds a lot more lax than it actually is. Sometimes it’s actually humbling. I’m realizing that it’s unproductive to...

 September 6th, 2025 Ghee-Honey Hair Mask: → 1/4 cup of room temperature ghee →  2 tbsp honey →  4 drops red sandalwood oil (or any oil of your choice for scent) Instructions: →  Mix honey and ghee thoroughly. →  Once a liquid paste has been formed, add in carrier oil for scent. →  Apply to hair for up to 10 minutes after shampooing. →  Rinse and detangle with conditioner.

September 6th, 2025 I've had a train of thought that's started to click as of today. I recently came to terms with a few insights at work, and it made me realize something: I'm constantly being sized up. I've put a lot of blame on myself for being socially inept and not being able to connect enough, and now I realize, I'm only part of the equation. I've been unlearning that value is something you earn through sheer will, even if I know this consciously , my subconscious has yet to catch up.  The tangible doesn't always read as powerful . I realized that at work, everyone is always scanning for signs of value  - who is of equal value or greater in order to latch on to them. I only realize this because I've been making a conscious effort to share about my life. Each time I've done it, I've realized that it's being used as fodder and not to feed the connection, but rather as a way of scanning for value - which is used as ammunition against me in...

September 6th, 2025 Ghassoul-Rose Exfoliating Face Mask: → 1 tbsp ground rose powder → 1 tbsp rose scented ghassoul clay → 2 tbsp warm water Instructions: → Mix dry ingredients until well combined. → Add in wet ingredient. → Mix thoroughly. → Apply paste to skin (thoroughly). → Leave on for 10-15 minutes (until dry).  → Rinse off with warm water and hydrate. 

September 5th, 2025 Despite my efforts, I've been struggling to keep being my best self .  That being said, I don't know that I've ever been her and maybe I'm flailing in unknown territory. I realized my nutrition has been shit, and that’s (partly) why I feel like shit. I’ve been craving sugar like crazy, and I think it’s because I keep eating it in lieu of actual food. I think I was craving sweetness and started trying to find it in food. It’s a bad habit, an old habit. I thought of [redacted] today. A lot, actually. He’s been on my mind a lot this week. I nearly cancelled my hang out today with a friend of mine, I realized my desire to hang out was partially (subconsciously) a strategy to feel close to [redacted] more than it was to be in this particular friend’s presence. I feel shitty about that. I keep having to hold myself back by reminding myself of the conclusions I came to.  That I wouldn't engineer a connection that didn't deserve to be fostered. That ...

September 4th, 2025 Lately, I’m getting around to thinking about what it means to be valuable and what it means to be perceived as such. Why is it that some people are seen as valuable (despite doing/giving very little) while others aren’t valued at all (despite doing/giving a lot). Admittedly, I’m asking for myself. I find that I’m able to make do with sometimes very little. Part of the fabric of my personal philosophy is to turn every situation into a win. Professionally, despite some issues I’ve faced (personal and systemic), I’ve always managed to leave with more than I started with through my own efforts and merit, as well as some divine luck. And yet, I can’t help but feel undervalued as though the things that I do and ways in which I contribute aren’t seen as important or worth appreciating. Being that I notice this.. Should I care? Is it worth it to try and shift the perception? I’m asking myself this on multiple fronts. Romantically, professionally, platonically . Black peopl...

September 3rd, 2025 Today was the first day of my class. I thought I was good leaving at 2:15PM, turns out the traffic nearly pushed me to the edge. In addition to that, I had never been at that particular campus before and spent several minutes frantically searching for the right building. I made it. Sitting in the class, I realized, I might just be where I needed to be. At the right time. I realized, life is more forgiving than I had conditioned myself to believe. I’m grateful for the opportunity. That I ended up pursuing it, and that everything aligned perfectly for me to do so. I feel blessed. My professor is a practicing Architect, and she's very kind. She showed us pictures of her students' past work (3D & 2D models) and daunting as it all looks, I'm excited to dive in and learn. I said to myself that once I got good enough, I'm design a floor plan, elevations, and detailed finishes for my dream loft and that would be what I worked off of when I build my own h...

September 3rd, 2025 Yesterday was triggering as fuck! I suspect that once I move past this mental block, the feelings will come pouring out of me like a like water in a dam. Hopefully it’s over the weekend when I’m less busy. I’m not sure I can handle that now. I’m realizing how avoidant I am at my core. Everything overwhelms me, and I just retreat hoping to get it under control, but the control never really comes. After some time I calm down, but the control is something I am missing. Yesterday, I resigned knowing that I did all I could at the time. I missed you by what seemed like a split second and it really stung. It still stings, to be totally honest. But I also realize this isn’t something I want to keep under my thumb.  I’ve walked down that corridor and at the end of it was a wall I couldn’t climb, leap over, or penetrate - it was just a dead end. I’m not sure I have room for more dead ends at this point in my life. I’ve been listening to Dean Blunt’s music a lot. It’s so p...