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 July 4th, 2026

Today was the Fourth of July. A particularly special one, too.

For the second year in a row, I spent it in the city with my good friend S. We laughed at it being a developing tradition of ours, and I love that. 

We began our day at 7AM and headed to Governor's Island to a popular spa. We spent five hours in the sweltering heat and unrelenting sun. By the time we left, I was packed in between two strangers on a ferry bench, drenched. It was in the high nineties today, and the sun was by far the most uncomfortable part of it all. Afterwards, we went to Chinatown and had the most fabulous two and half hour service I've experienced in my life so far. I got a Lavender and salt scrub, and I guess it made me realize the importance of human touch. I had a deep cleanse facial afterwards and by the time the service ended, I couldn't really even speak or keep my eyes open. My friend S dozed off the entire time (LOL). 

The sun died down significantly by the time we left, and so I ditched the vinyl party I was meant to go to altogether and called it quits. I think I came to several conclusions today:

The city to me now, is like leaving a cup of coffee unattended for several hours, coming back, and finding it cold and unappetizing.

I often drink my coffee cold if it's sweet enough, but I'm not finding the city to be sweet anymore. It's unfamiliar grounds for me. 

I used to like how detached this city was. Large crowds made it so you didn't really have to connect with people too interpersonally - there was constant movement, constant excitement, and I revelled in that. In recent years, I've come to understand that such environments aren't all that nourishing for me. Growing up in that house, I think I always gave myself just enough to live, but never enough to feel satiated. Clearly that hasn't produced anything of substance, so course correction is needed. 

I guess that brings me to my next realization...

I have no idea what comes next. 

I've gotten all that I've asked for. I have a great job, in the city I always dreamt of, I have some money, more than I ever thought I'd be able to earn by my own merits, and yet, I am not quite happy. But I'm no longer as foolish as I used to be, and so I won't throw it away on a whim. 

It's becoming increasingly worrying how lost I am in life, I thought for a while that I was piecing it all together, and now I am back down in the valleys. I wonder if I have somewhere along the way, stopped living in accordance with my natural rhythm and intrinsic values (if there is such a thing) - and I suspect I have, because in recent years, I've found that my natural rhythm and "intrinsic" values don't necessarily hold any value in this world. At least it would appear so. 

I found myself asking today: am I making the most of this? This day? This opportunity? This memory? I think I could've done more today, and I am keeping in mind that my twenty fifth birthday is around the corner, and that the Summer is practically over and it just began. 

This entry is all over the place, but that's just where I'm at in life right now. I intend on making the most of it, too. 

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- vetiveroil