RESURGENCE OF OLD HABITS:
August 23rd, 2026
I've been abusing my body with food, and it is catching up with me, I've been bloated non-stop, had 2 prominent dizziness spells over the past twenty four hours, and I can't stop that I can stop.
I almost feel like how I did before my surgery - just a very long out of body experience where nothing is filling that 'void'. I am relying on my weekly structure to break me out of it, so we'll see how I do tomorrow. In addition to the binging, I haven't managed to make it into the gym this weekend. To be honest, I didn't feel like it. This is probably one of the most emotionally tumultuous periods I've experienced. I guess these cycles rob you one way or another. I didn't have excrutiating cramps this time around, but I paid for it in just about every other way - is it the rite of passage? Pain as a sacrifice?
Anyway, I got to thinking about myself again (big mistake), and I started feeling frustrated about the things I cannot really control.
I bought a really overpriced candle from Diptyque on Friday, as a pick-me-up. It's not so much that there were work pressures, but certainly that what I overheard on Friday had a much deeper impact on me than I cared to admit, and I think on some level, it prompted the binge. I am also thinking that maybe Saturn's finally digging its heels into my 7H and so I feel acutely more aware of the loneliness I feel. The candle genuinely smells amazing, the food was delicious, and yet, the loneliness persists, and some part of my brain can't figure out what I am not getting the level of pleasure from eating, sleeping, masturbating, or shopping that I once did. I am not understanding why at one point, these things served as wonderful substitutes for care,a dn trust, and mutual commitment - and now, they hardly measure up. It's like drinking water when you're really hungry. Now you've got a belly full of water, and yet the hunger pains persist. And yet, I have no food to feed myself, so I keep drinking it, praying for some level of relief, if I can't at least be satisfied, and it's just now working, but I have no alternative, so I'm drinking and drinking and drinking.
Reminds me of that eclipse last September, when I was absolutely losing my mind. It somehow feels less intense in retrospect than this feels right now, I suppose sometime down the line, I'll be saying the same thing.
We're on the heels of another September, and I'm hoping I find some food when I go out to forage, soon. I just don't know how to survive with this ache in my belly. I know I can't stomach another glass of water, either. It just makes the ache even deeper, somehow. It's not a good idea to eat whatever comes your way, but what's expected of a starving woman? If I find a shrub of poisonous berries, I might vacuum them up in a heartbeat, because it'll feel like the first thing I see capable of quelling that deep and painful ache.
No one wants to eat poison, but sometimes if you're really hungry, and have been hungry for a long time, after a while, the poision seems like the logical choice.
How I hate myself for wanting to stumble across a shrub of poisonois berries, just so I don't have to walk around with hunger pains, and a sloshing abdomen.
I hate it!
- vetiveroil
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