vetiveroil

 July 4th, 2026 Today was the Fourth of July. A particularly special one, too. For the second year in a row, I spent it in the city with my good friend S. We laughed at it being a developing tradition of ours, and I love that.  We began our day at 7AM and headed to Governor's Island to a popular spa. We spent five hours in the sweltering heat and unrelenting sun. By the time we left, I was packed in between two strangers on a ferry bench, drenched. It was in the high nineties today, and the sun was by far the most uncomfortable part of it all. Afterwards, we went to Chinatown and had the most fabulous two and half hour service I've experienced in my life so far. I got a Lavender and salt scrub, and I guess it made me realize the importance of human touch. I had a deep cleanse facial afterwards and by the time the service ended, I couldn't really even speak or keep my eyes open. My friend S dozed off the entire time (LOL).  The sun died down significantly by the time we l...

 July 3rd, 2026 I went to bed around midnight yesterday, and slept in until around 9AM, which was around 8.5hrs of sleep. I woke up naturally around then feeling mostly rested. I was tempted to bomb my caloric intake with all kinds of sweets, and I sort of did before my day got started. I went to the gym with a newer friend from my walking club, we caught up and worked out which was quite nice. I just realized how much muscle mass I've lost over the past year, I'm not used to not being physically strong, so it feels a little odd.  I ran a few errands, and I'm in the middle of meal prepping now. My brain keeps brainstorming "problems" to fixate on, and I find that I am constantly course correcting my own brain. I think back to something a colleague of mine said yesterday: "The work will always be there." It will indeed. There will always be problems to solve, sectors of life to optimize, messes to clean, and so on. The Summer is practically finished as ...

 July 2nd, 2026 I am reflecting on time a lot these days. Since I have so little of it to myself now, each minute feels ever more precious. One minute a few weeks ago was no big deal, and now a minute is a matter of life or death damn near. If I am one minute late, I miss my subway, I miss my train, and that sets me back at least a half hour. At least . There's an urgency that this city breeds into you. I'm not liking it so much. I always thought I would.  I'm not used to conceptualizing my life in that way. It never used to hit deep when people would say something was "a waste" of "time" - time wasn't quite as finite as it is now, and so it felt like overkill, and to be honest, a little pretentious. These days, I am starting to get it. You can only be so many places at once. I structure my time a lot better now. For instance, we had a heat wave today in the city. I left around 1:50PM, made it just in time for the subway, and by the time I got off, ...

​June 29th, 2026 This morning I woke up on time (objectively on time, not a half hour early to feel on time). I warmed up my breakfast, packed everything, and headed to the train station.  I made it on time. Everything seemed to align perfectly, so not like how my first week at work went. I saw 7777 on the train car, and decided to sit in that one (LOL). While on that car, I applied (semi-impulsively) to another job, one more advantageously close and sort of asked myself if I was doing it to save face, or if I was somewhere that truly wasn’t a right fit for me.  Speaking of right fits - I’ve had a shopping impulse which has led to me doubling my credit card balance over the course of one week. Last night just before bed it hit me that I blew through my funds and I probably wouldn’t get another check for some time. Not a great decision, obviously.  That being said, I’m experimenting with clothes. It’s weird, for a long time, I didn’t like being physically visible. I really...

 June 21st, 2026 I intended to write a lot more than I ended up doing this weekend. Perhaps it was Juneteenth, and then the beach, and then the grad party I had on Saturday, and the food festival I went to following that.  The sun was setting when I drove home. I dropped off my friend, and I started playing Solange and reminiscing about how tomorrow would be the first Monday in eighteen months where I didn't walk into that same familiar environment. I was now truly reflecting on a bygone era.  Tomorrow, when I wake up, it'll be a new page being written. The contents of said page? I'm not entirely sure (yet). I wrote out a list of aphorisms to go by on a flashcard yesterday. I tucked it into a small red moleskine that I have in my purse. I think I'll read it on the train tomorrow.  I had coffee with a friend today, among other things, I vented about the last eighteen months. Every time I do that, I shock myself. I think of what I endured and wonder if there's any...

​June 18th, 2026                                                                  Fear Journal #1:  * I fear these projects going horribly wrong as soon as I leave, and my colleagues speaking negatively about me, and not being able to defend myself or my reputation.  * I fear everyone hating/resenting me.  * I fear not doing well socially or professionally going forward, trying to leap forward, and falling flat on my face.  * I fear losing this opportunity, and backsliding financially.  * I fear not being able to resume my studies and capping my upward mobility.  * I fear this daily commute being too psychologically taxing to continue on.  * I fear this person I have begun befriending is an enemy in disguise and I am being played without realizing it.  * I...

 June 13th, 2026 Today, I considered getting down from the mountain.  In my research on Human Design, I recently found out that was my environment. It makes a ton of sense, people with this environment have an affinity for smoking, burning incense, etc. This environment is said to be primarily about perspective.  I find most of it to be very relatable. I am not fond of prolonged exposure to noise, large crowds make me feel anxious rather than energized, I've dreamt of having a loft for the longest time ever. I remember a guy I was seeing many moons ago telling that he sensed I was more so wanting to observe things happening rather than experiencing them happening. That was a very good observation, because I find that mostly life is quite mundane, it's the meaning derived from these mundane experiences that give me insight.  Anyway, I have been in a spiral. In part due to the fast changes coming my way, that I am unsure that I'm equipped to handle all at once. Mostly ...

June 9th, 2026 Supposedly today was the luckiest day of the year. Venus & Jupiter were conjunct in the sign of Cancer (just shy of my 11H).  I had a talk with the HR consultant at my current company. She ended up letting me know that in the works was a "promotion" for me. It shifted a lot of things for me. I hate that I considered it momentarily. She asked me to write out exactly what would make the situation worthwhile, and the more I sat with her words, and the more passive aggressiveness I received, the more I became certain in this: things played out exactly how they were meant to play out.  The hour leading up to our meeting and talk, I was struggling to hold back tears. I couldn't stop myself. I was back at that same state I was when I heard them make those comments about me. I was absolutely floored by it, and here I was, sitting in silence, trying not to draw attention to myself and cry too loudly. We spoke candidly, some of it I was able to write off as diplo...

​June 8th, 2026 I had work today.  All day, I just kept thinking about this knot I have in my stomach. Is it guilt? Grief?  An internalized lack of self-confidence?  The chance to say my peace came up. I thought long and hard about whether I should take it. I’m still grappling with that decision now. I overheard a few of my colleagues making off-handed comments about me while I was sat there. Implying (really just flat out saying that without naming me) that I was a "waste of resources" and how they'd be looking for the "right" person for the role. It wasn't something I was able to process until much later. Like hours later. It didn't dawn on me until I was on the verge of tears that what I was feeling was pain . It just felt like I was numb for a while. I said to my friend earlier, I am weirdly over-sensitive about these things, and simultaneously desensitized by them. Being spoken about in such a tactless manner felt as natural as swallowing as swallo...

 June 7th, 2026 Yesterday afternoon I went for a walk to make sure I hit my steps. Afterwards, I wanted ice cream, so I drove to Chick-Fil-A. We started getting really strong winds, dark, heavy clouds, and streaks of lightning. So here I was, in my car, behind my wheel, driving down the interstate at 60 MPH, blasting The Weeknd's insane catalogue. A weight lifted off my chest from the work transition. I just drove. I spent about two hours driving around, enjoying the warm wind of my skin, basking in the liminal - something I don't do often. I kept my GPS on, but simply ignored it in favor of driving straight for miles on miles. Many detours (by design) and in the end, I made it home safely and with the clothes on my back dry.  It isn't necessary to always be five steps ahead, sometimes we can drive for a period of time with no true destination in sight. I guess I learned that tonight.  Today I woke up early for a change, I had my first meeting with a professional mentor. ...

 June 6th, 2026 I have been in a rumination spiral.  So many changes, and they're coming at me so quickly, and so I have to cut out all of the noise and stick to the things that are non-negotiable.  I keep reminding myself to go back to the basics before I stretch forward. I've been spiraling at the overwhelming changes ahead, but I realize walking a mile starts with putting one foot in front of the other, and not darting to that point all at once. It's humbling. Part of me is always feeling that if I am not improving, tweaking, refining, and so on that I am falling back into my old ways. I am letting my life pass me by without participating in it. I want a lot out of myself, and so there's an ever present flame within that causes me to want to move, but often times, I'm spiraling in place, rather than moving towards a certain point.  I guess I want my life to show this: I have been putting tremendous effort into making myself a good home. Typically we are afforded ...

​June 3rd, 2026 This morning, I had to be in the city early for work, and so I set my first alarm to go off at 4:45AM. It was 5:15AM when my 5th alarm kept going off that I came to my senses and realized I needed to get up before the day got ahead of me.  The outfit I had planned didn’t end up looking the way I wanted, and so I kept switching outfits until I settled in something that I felt looked just okay. I hate when that happens, it puts me in a very tense and critical mood.  The trip itself was relatively calm, though I started thinking more about this avenue I’m wanting to go down in the next couple of years. I guess it dawned on me that I’m a skilled engineer (of sorts, LOL). At least, I should say, so far I've been able to successfully create a sturdy foundation for myself. I think I realized early on that the future is shaped by those with either more power - or more preparation . I never held too much institutional power, but I’m naturally risk averse, and that’s a ...

 June 2nd 2026 Jupiter is in Cancer, and life is but a dream these days. At least, the possibilities seem more within reach than usual.  I realize the reason why my skin looks brighter, I feel lighter, and so on is because I am divested from work. I've simply checked out of my current environment, and so the only place to look toward is ahead. I'm a bit anxious going forward, but at the same time, it's time for a shift. I've been delving into Human Design a lot. I am reading that my 'environment' is ' mountains ' which makes so much sense. I enjoy my space a LOT and it's critical in order to process things and determine how I feel sometimes. I enjoy a certain level of distance from things, because I am prone to getting sucked into them and I lose my center.  I take a lot of time to sit and reflect on my life and the decisions I am making. Someone once said: Your life is a direct result of your best thinking.  While there are some unfortunate outliers...

 May 30th, 2026 Yesterday I found myself crying.  I took it to mean that my system was finally overloaded due to: back to back interviews, working like everything is business as usual, undereating due to my Peptide treatment, poor sleep the night before, anxiety about the future ahead, and a lingering sense of sadness that I couldn't get this work situation to go my way. I took myself to bed, knowing that psychoanalyzing myself some more wouldn't really bring about any real or meaningful resolution.  I am getting better at respecting my body's limits. I never did before.  Turns out, after about nine hours of sleep, I was feeling more rejuvenated, and so I made breakfast (that I couldn't really eat) and went to a local credit union in order to see about getting this car of mine refinanced. I was approved for the updated loan, I slashed my APR in half, and after running the math, I am cutting off a year (best case scenario a year and change) off of my term. That felt g...

 May 12th, 2026 May has been forcing me to slow down . I suppose that reality has been looming over me for some time, however, it has not been until recently that life has felt unbearable, and I'm drawing back on a lot as a result.  I felt like I was crawling out of my own skin over this weekend. A buzzing feeling inside of me that couldn't be silenced, and was only further irritated by analysis, loud noises, strenuous efforts, etc.  It's not the sort of discomfort that I could push, achieve, goal-set, analyze, ruminate, or refine away - and trust me, I have tried. I'm coming to terms with the reality of my own limitations, and for a person who is open about knowing her limits and sticking to them, I'm not taking it very well. At first, I thought I was overstimulated. After deep cleaning my room, re-arranging my furniture, cleaning my car, clearing my wardrobe, cleaning out my camera roll, and so on, I found myself living in cramped quarters. But this time, it'...

May 3rd, 2026 I was telling the guy I am seeing yesterday that I am in the process of auditing.  Life feels much more chaotic than usual, or maybe it's no longer possible to hide all of my chaos behind the closet doors, eventually, the stop being able to shut properly. I think I've exhausted all of the space afforded to me, my clutter is creeping outwards, and maybe that's why I'm finding it difficult to breathe.  A few weeks back, my therapist used an analogy on me. She asked me to consider that my nervous system was a computer. That on said computer, were several programs running all at once. That instead of closing down some of the programs in a timely and ordered fashion, I just kept them all open. That I would, in addition to that, keep pushing through lags, system shutdowns, and so on. She said that in such an instance, no one would blame the computer for failing - that to fix the issue, the programs would have to be shut down anyway  and that I would, instead, ne...

​May 2nd, 2026 In my quest for “breaking” that glass ceiling, I’m wondering to what extent it is not only possible, but necessary to simply decide differently and to continue acting upon that assumption, until it feels natural enough to yield a new batch of results.  I joined a 'Wellness Club' yesterday. It was fun, and to my surprise, socializing didn’t feel like pulling teeth, or denying my nervous system’s reality (the overwhelming feeling that I am stuck in a cave with an apex predator, trying not to be found).  It flowed, it was fun, and I could just be . That was new, and fun, especially when you’re used to people having a negative reaction to you, or when you’re primed to expect  cruelty from others, and even brace for it.  I knew that I wanted to clear out my closet. Last night I sifted through my stored clothes, put them into garbage bags, and my room’s a dumpster fire right now, but it’ll get done.  I guess losing a hundred and fifty pounds does change...

​April 30th, 2026 As the month wraps up, I’m reflecting on things. I hardly did much writing at all, not that I ever stopped thinking.  This month was a very external one. LOL.  That's fundamentally opposed to my usual mode of living, so this was new. And fun .  I did things that scared me. I did some things I never thought I would do, and I’m sprawled out, wondering what more there is to do.  I’m learning my own brain a little better. Avoidance is a fear tactic. Ignoring what needs to be acted upon, simply prolongs the obstacle until it becomes too much to live with, and then action feels like a matter of life or death. My back is against the wall, so there is no option but to move. I'm wondering if that's a healthy/sustainable strategy for me.  It certainly isn't a proactive way of living, but what can I say? On some level I've grown used to living that way, and some part of me may even like the rush I get from having no choice but to move.  April, in s...

  April 21st, 2026 I once saw a video on YouTube, and a man was saying that most women do not have a life philosophy.  A framework by which they structure their lives and make decisions. That most women live their lives in reaction to whatever circumstances exist in front of them, and rinse and repeat. I take everything that comes out of a misogynist's mouth with a grain of salt, but I felt that was worth listening to, partly because based on observation and my own first hand account, it rang true.  When I heard that, I was neck deep in an exploitative job. I was in a codependent friendship with someone I long began to understand was not working out, but lacked the courage to admit that to myself. I did not have a good relationship with my family, I was running from myself, and I was thoroughly lost.  That version me of lives at the back of my mind, still.  I've become quite fixated on forging myself into the antithesis of that I once was: passive, fearful, slow...

 April 17th, 2026 Today was one of those days where it all goes right  and I'm reminded that life doesn't have to be so heavy and scary all of the time.  For starters, I took my certification exam and passed. I worked out, enjoyed the sun and warm weather, and then towards the afternoon, met up with a girlfriend of mine (S) and we giggled and cackled over food. She brought me a cake decorated with kiss motifs' (to commemorate my recent first kiss with the guy I am seeing). We then saw a movie, and afterwards, she gifted me a bouquet, some alcohol, a box of extra thin condoms, and lube. This level of thoughtfulness could only come from a Virgo moon woman, so I'm reeling it in. Once I saw it, I decided to FaceTime the same guy and showed him the gifts as we giggled. It ended in him calling me later that night, and us on the brink of another argument.  I say all this, to document a great day, and also to finally pen my thoughts on agency .  What it means to have it...

April 7th, 2026 I was completely shot today.  After another unforeseen error at work left me feeling absolutely deflated yesterday, I haven't been in the best of moods. Today, through the thick of it, I found myself craving the guy I am seeing. I've been toggling between desiring him and being repulsed by that - literally like a light switch. On. Off . On. Off . On. Off . Anyway, back to work - I was so ashamed of my error and how it was hijacking a great project. I prided myself on everything going right . And when it went wrong , it all felt like it crumbled before my very eyes.  I put on my big girl panties, drafted up an email owning up to the error - accepting the dissolution of my own ego, forgoing that itch that burned to be seen, validated, and understood, and I walked through the fire of acceptance. To my surprise, my client complimented me. He admitted they were concerned to hear of our issue so suddenly (valid), but also that they trusted me, and that I had done a ...