G-R-A-C-E

April 7th, 2026

I was completely shot today. 

After another unforeseen error at work left me feeling absolutely deflated yesterday, I haven't been in the best of moods. Today, through the thick of it, I found myself craving the guy I am seeing.

I've been toggling between desiring him and being repulsed by that - literally like a light switch.

On. Off. On. Off. On. Off.

Anyway, back to work - I was so ashamed of my error and how it was hijacking a great project. I prided myself on everything going right. And when it went wrong, it all felt like it crumbled before my very eyes. 

I put on my big girl panties, drafted up an email owning up to the error - accepting the dissolution of my own ego, forgoing that itch that burned to be seen, validated, and understood, and I walked through the fire of acceptance.

To my surprise, my client complimented me. He admitted they were concerned to hear of our issue so suddenly (valid), but also that they trusted me, and that I had done a great job thus far into the job, and that they trusted we would find a resolution soon. I was beyond touched. I ran to the gym, and remained in shock the duration of the whole thing. Still shocked, and my brain is fabricating a whole pessimistic story around it.

Saying to me that I am being pitied, that this person is playing mental tricks on me, that his feedback was not as credible as that of my colleagues who likely think less of me. I'm having to interrupt myself, and take in that moment of grace for what it is. 

G-R-A-C-E. 

I'm basking in it, because I don't give it to myself too often. 

Back to the guy I'm seeing, I'm finding it difficult to accept how vulnerable it is to like/want someone. Struggling to be warm to him without being disgusted and taking it out on him. I expressed vulnerability today, and it felt paralyzing. I want to tell him that I want to see him.

We'll see. 

- vetiveroil