EXPOSURE THERAPY

​May 2nd, 2026

In my quest for “breaking” that glass ceiling, I’m wondering to what extent it is not only possible, but necessary to simply decide differently and to continue acting upon that assumption, until it feels natural enough to yield a new batch of results. 

I joined a 'Wellness Club' yesterday. It was fun, and to my surprise, socializing didn’t feel like pulling teeth, or denying my nervous system’s reality (the overwhelming feeling that I am stuck in a cave with an apex predator, trying not to be found). 

It flowed, it was fun, and I could just be. That was new, and fun, especially when you’re used to people having a negative reaction to you, or when you’re primed to expect cruelty from others, and even brace for it. 

I knew that I wanted to clear out my closet. Last night I sifted through my stored clothes, put them into garbage bags, and my room’s a dumpster fire right now, but it’ll get done. 

I guess losing a hundred and fifty pounds does change you from the inside out. I guess I hang on to my clothes because they are convenient to keep around, and I've never had the problem of no longer being able to fit into them. I went to the doctor's today, I shared my news about starting my peptide therapy. She was concerned, but for some reason, I am just hell bent on moving forward with this idea. I think the subconscious motivation behind it is to tell myself I've tried something that felt scary for me. 

Anyway, at the doctor's I noticed how much my lived experience has shifted in the past two years. I used to get a pit at the bottom of my stomach going to the doctor's. i used to dread stepping on the scale, or having my weight revealed back to me. I used to resent being sat down and lectured about obesity and the comorbidities that I had not yet developed, used to hate feeling like a disappointment to myself, my mother, and so on. Like I was doing something wrong and consequently - or perhaps just out of pure correlation - that anxiety and shame drove me to binge in secret. There were other factors, of course, but that was one of them. Today I walked in, no shame, no sword looming over my head, no anxiety about being assessed negatively, I could just be. 

I guess one of the wonderful upsides of being a Virgo rising is that life is compounding in my favor in many ways. One of my superpowers is my mutability. Sun Tzu says: 

By being rigid, you become temporary; by being flexible, you become permanent.

If life is the battleground, I have one card in my back pocket. I'm quite strong-willed, but not too proud to change when a strategy stops yielding the results I am looking for. 

I guess I have been hitting a glass ceiling is around because I am in need of a few new strategies. I'm still weeding out where the fear lies, the things that feel deeply uncomfortable and I'd rather not do. I'm working on defeating it. 

- vetiveroil