JUNE'S DOORSTEP

 May 30th, 2026

Yesterday I found myself crying. 

I took it to mean that my system was finally overloaded due to: back to back interviews, working like everything is business as usual, undereating due to my Peptide treatment, poor sleep the night before, anxiety about the future ahead, and a lingering sense of sadness that I couldn't get this work situation to go my way.

I took myself to bed, knowing that psychoanalyzing myself some more wouldn't really bring about any real or meaningful resolution. I am getting better at respecting my body's limits. I never did before. 

Turns out, after about nine hours of sleep, I was feeling more rejuvenated, and so I made breakfast (that I couldn't really eat) and went to a local credit union in order to see about getting this car of mine refinanced. I was approved for the updated loan, I slashed my APR in half, and after running the math, I am cutting off a year (best case scenario a year and change) off of my term. That felt great! I am learning a lot about personal finance, which is exciting. 

Next week, I tackle my insurance, which is another cashflow killer, currently while also negotiating this offer I've been extended while also half-heartedly waiting for the second offer. 

I think my aim moving forward is to:

• Free up weekly/monthly cash flow to avoid having to take on more debt.
• Systemizing payments on existing debt to tackle interest and clear up principal payments.
• Utilizing some of that free cashflow to save up in small, but consistent increments. 

I have a bottom line:

Debt free by 29. That's $47K I have to kill (roughly). 

After that, I went home, washed off my sunscreen, and reapplied, fixed my hair, and put on clean clothes to leave the house. I have stopped wearing makeup, mostly, there's a futility in it that I no longer care to feed into. I also mean that in the least self-righteous way possible. 

I am beginning to get a real sense of what is important to me, and what my brain, body, and soul need to be comfortable, safe, and productive towards my end goals (I have a few). 

Currently I've identified them to be:

• Order
• Cleanliness
• Structure
• Health-Conducive Behavior
• Social Safety

So on..

I cleaned my room, and have decluttered quite a bit. I'm no slob, but I do have a habit of allowing stuff to just accumulate. I am (sadly) accustomed to a certain degree of chaos, and it doesn't feel like much until it crosses a certain threshold, and that's usually because so much else has accumulated, I'm hitting a breaking point. I'd like to fix that bad habit. 

I think creating a baseline structure of order and cleanliness will be as a necessary as taking a daily walk. One benefits my body, the other, my mind. 

I went out with my good friend S today. We ate dinner by the sea, spoke, laughed, I divulged my money, career, and man woes, and she provided me with some great feedback. I forgot how good it could feel to be honest and just speak to another human being. 

I'm making it a habit of being more transparent around money with my female friends, it is such an elusive factor of our lives, I feel, and it shouldn't be (I don't think). 

I've been tidying up my car as well, and I'll probably keep tweaking things until they just FIT. 

Anyway, I think my time with the guy I've been seeing has reached its course. Or is nearing that point. We have not spoken in two days, and after getting some feedback from S today, I decided to call him on the way home, it rang three times before going to his voicemail. I didn't leave one. 

I am a bit sad about it, honestly. Part of me wonders if I'm too..cold? But, I am also not oblivious to the very real incompatibilities that exist in our dynamic, and so I am keeping that in mind. 

All in all, May was a dynamic, though heavy month. Here I am, on June's doorstep, just waiting and waiting. I'm in between events. I'm maneuvering and contorting my body in ways that allow me to move beyond a rock and a hard place. I am a little sore, but grateful for the flexibility. 

June, I know you'll be good to me, but I ask: please be good to me. 

Thank you, God, for everything. In the motion I've been seeking, life is still happening.

- vetiveroil