vetiveroil

 February 28th, 2026 Today I remembered that tiny piece of the island I was born on.  I remembered my grandma. I remembered being rocked to sleep on a late afternoon on my dad's lap. How his voice hummed and his heart thumped, and his anxious tics served as a tonic to make me fall asleep.  I remembered the taste of black coffee hit the back of my tongue.  How it felt to eagerly await the arrival of my aunty who always brought me a pink and white sachet of  Pistache grillée .  I remembered my red and white uniform dress. My classmate Coralie . How my father used to hold my hand tightly as we crossed the streets of Champ de Mars .  I remember tiny statuettes of the Neg Mawon for sale, carved from wood and dipped in black lacquer.  I remember the time my grandma took us on a pilgrimage, and how foreign it was ride a donkey .  I remember tiring myself out and lying on the tiled corridor floor in our house.  Colored pencils scattered about, ...

 February 28th, 2026 Yesterday, my world seemed to be on the brink of collapse, and this morning it's been made new again.  I let myself spiral a bit, and I had a good cry over the intensity of my desires not necessarily being aligned with what my current reality could provide for me. It's not a great feeling, but I am working through it as best as I can.  On the last day of this wonderful month of February, the sun is out.  The snow from last week's blizzard is melting quickly. Similarly, I am losing reconciling with a lot fo my surfacing debris . It's not a morality thing, only a logistical one. I'm cleaning house, if you will. This month came with a cataclysmic breakthrough. One that felt like finding hitting resume on a movie after not ever seeing the remote. I've been clumsily moving on, despite it lagging a bit.  Lag or not, there are new scenes to see, after staring at the same screen for many years.  I experienced a lot of firsts this month. Life s...

​February 25th, 2026 Today, I am once again, sat at my dining room table.  An incense stick is burning, and a candle is lit. I'm eating my dinner in front of my computer and feeling rather comfortable. I've gotten this little routine down pat the last few days. I get excited to write again. I've had a lot to think about today, and so I thought I’d make myself a “progress report” to track down the micro ways that I’ve managed to improve my life (not in a fitness obsessed or I have my life under control and I’m a grown up way) - but just in a I used to struggle here and now I don’t way.  1. Work errors have stopped debilitating me.  2. I am getting hands on practice in tolerating relational ambiguity  3. I no longer fear or misunderstand my bodily cues as a lack of control 4. I no longer feel insecure around taking on more professional responsibility — in fact, I’m beginning to feel ready for it.  5.  I’m beginning to uncouple fear from desire .  6....

​ February 24th, 2026 Today was a good day.  I’m still in great spirits.  I’m reflecting a lot.  I’m thinking about all of the pre-requisites littered in my path currently. All of the cool and wonderful dreams I have for myself, as I’m wondering what’s required and actionable to bring them to fruition.  For instance, my impending work pivot. My initial plan was to secure a few certifications, refine my resume, and pivot into the niche I’m interested in next. All of last year that was my plan come January.  Unfortunately, following a run-in with the flu last December, my body started rebelling against me. It was impossible to beat myself into obedience. Not with punishment not with a treat , not with visions of grandiosity, not with the promise of a "better tomorrow" or any of the other tactics I've used in the past. The plans for the certification have been stalled ever since. I’m thinking of impulsively scheduling my test and figuring it the fuck out between ...

 February 23rd, 2026 I stumbled across an audio today of Audre Lorde reading her essay the  Uses of the Erotic . It's been probably two years since I last delved into this piece of work, a lot has shifted internally in regards to how I understand and relate to eroticism, though maybe not too much has changed circumstantially.  I keep thinking back to all of my newly acquired awareness around my body . The experience around shame, sensation, and my historical need to remain composed  as means of safety. This is a brand new phase I think I've reached in my experience. I suppose according to the dominant culture I've been a woman for some time. Biologically speaking, nearly half of my life so far.  Psychologically, the shift has only just begun, and it may be a while before I reach the destination I'm seeking. Perhaps that road never ends, I'm not really sure.  I'm coming to terms with the fact that I have absolutely uprooted my nervous system by training my...

 February 23rd, 2026 The past twenty four hours has reset a few things back into perspective for me. It's crazy how easily writing comes to me again. I don't feel blocked. I have clarity and it feels so damn good .  I want to continue moving forward with my life, I don't want to stop and stare my wounds. I also don't really want to forget that they are there, because admittedly, they've shaped me into a very particular kind of person, and keeping in mind where I come from is critical to naming my needs and identifying what I need to be and stay well, as well as the kind of life I want to pursue.  Of course, I've been delving into all of the esoteric mediums possible..astrology, transits, dashas, nakshatras, destiny matrix, arcanas, tarot, and so on. I am desperately trying to align this series of shifts I am trying to usher in.  Earlier I had a few calls lined up with a few different therapists to figure out if I could provide myself with some support to make se...

 February 22nd, 2026 It dawned on me recently, that there are absolutely levels to this. By this I mean the journey of somatic revival and nervous system rewiring I'm currently knee deep in.  Though, I suppose you can say that about anything , and you'd technically be correct. Yesterday, I was starving, but also in a pinch. We had an impending blizzard, and despite really not wanting to, I went and got my laundry done (very much past due). It was kind of warm, so I went for a thirty-five minute walk. When I got back, I threw everything in the dryer and frantically tried to find somewhere to get food from that was local and also not super unhealthy. There's a Jamaican restaurant nearby, one I'd been to before, so naturally, I went again. I arrived, and the same staff was there as when I went 2 or so years ago. An older woman with a very icy disposition (rich coming from me) and a slender older man, who I presumed to be the cook or one of them. Last time I was there, I a...

 February 19th, 2026 Today I listened to a Dean Blunt song and took me back to the optimism of last Spring. Perhaps my expectations were a little high, I think reality was a lot more muted than I wanted. I spent the entirety of that Summer pining over [redacted] only for it to crumble by September.  By all accounts a let down, and a bit of a traumatizing experience because it was the first of  many let-downs (some still occurring) after a loooooooong pause. They say Neptunian influence over the 5H/7H can create distortions and I don't discount that. I'm beginning to catch that in myself. I looked at [redacted] and saw everything I ever wanted in a person, but never felt confident existed in real life. Then, one day, in the middle of Brooklyn, it appeared briefly, and didn't reappear for some time. I caught a glimpse of it and when I tried to reach for it openly, I think I lost the plot.  I realized only when it became impossible to ignore any further that not onl...

 February 19th, 2026 Today, I am off of work, which feels great. I slept nearly 8 hours, if not that exactly. That was nice.  What a difference good sleep makes.  I went to see my doctor for a metabolic test, and after what felt like the longest ten minutes ever, I finally had my results. My PA printed a copy of my previous test taken nearly 2 years ago, and by all metrics I was performing marginally better. I feel like a new person on a cellular level when I think about it that way. It feels great. I almost couldn't believe my results.  Afterwards, I sat down with my PA, and we spoke candidly about my recent struggles, and so on. She gave me some valuable feedback. I guess I realized in the discussion that I am a total CONTROL FREAK !  Not having a firm grasp on things at all times feels terrifying and destabilizing . I am constantly prowling the terrain for clues on what will happen next so I can brace myself and stay five steps ahead. I guess this crevice of ...

 February 18th, 2026 Last night I got roughly seven hours of sleep - the best I've done in about..4.5 weeks, possibly longer.  It, I guess, put into perspective for me how critical it is to sleep well regularly - and also how my vanity (insecurity) and preoccupation with "looking" well gets the best of me often.  I've been spiraling mentally for weeks, and unsure of where that was stemming from or how to help myself through it. Nothing seemed to do the trick, and today was by no means a perfect day, but among other things, sleeping enough has me feeling the best I've felt in weeks. It's a more holistic feeling of being well rather than feeling pleasure, which is what I get the edibles have been trying to stimulate. Additionally, I feel so much more in control of my hunger and eating patterns which just feels great. It's funny, because the mental spirals didn't spring me into action, but the bloating and feeling of "gaining weight" from the la...

​February 18th, 2026 In our little loft... Our sanctuary, our sacred cocoon of shared devotion. I like to imagine that I am sitting in your lap, caressing the back of your neck, running my fingers through your locs with your hand in my lap, your arm around my waist.  I like to imagine we’re in our garden, watching a sunset with our limbs entangled.  It’s quite cozy in our little loft.  It smells faintly of freshly burned incense sticks.  The humidifier is running, rose and ylang ylang wafts the space.  Traces of you, and me, and us scattered throughout. You and I coexist in it beautifully - like two toddlers engrossed in their respective tasks.  We parallel play, LOL.  We just get one another, without a word.  Your moon is in Cancer, mine Taurus .  My  venus in Cancer, yours Virgo.  We just click. You’re the button I loop around.  You slide your hand around my waist, pull me closer, and we connect momentarily. Without a word,...

 February 13th, 2026 Today is Friday the thirteenth, I suppose things went fine.  There's a three day weekend ahead, so I am happy. After work, I went and got a forty-five minute massage, it felt nice. I was trying to fight off the feelings of worthlessness that kept resurfacing, I think they were just coming from a place of frustration and maybe being a bit touch starved.  Afterwards, I went to the store and blew way more money than I cared to on items to make Valentine's Day baskets for my mom and sister. I feel quite proud of myself, because I got it done, though, I will be honest, nothing about gift giving comes naturally to me.  I went to the gym today, even though I wasn't up for it. It felt worth trying to maintain this identity, even when I want to spiral into shame, into my old ways and habits.  I realize also I lost an earring, one of my precious 18K gold studs - I am still upset.  I've been at war with myself for some time, and I guess today it h...

 February 1st, 2026 January felt like one giant Luteal phase.  Just uncomfortable, sticky, and relentless.  I guess I am recoiling from that, and also wondering how to better systemize my life so that I am not falling apart week to week and losing my momentum.  I am trying to re-calibrate nutritionally. I am back (sort of) to my workouts, which felt daunting a month ago after coming down from the flu, but now feels comfortable - not yet therapeutic. I'm craving so badly to step outside for a walk and not feel rushed by the cold.  Today I did something else that I haven't really done before. I communicated something, and it didn't blow up in my face like I was bracing myself for. That was nice, and sweet, and I so appreciate it.  I have been struggling with therapy. I don't feel connected to the process very much, and I am wondering if what I am missing now is the correction that would come from having newer experiences to feed off of. I think I am right in ...

 January 28th, 2026 Today I continued thinking about connection and what it means to connect. Not to feel the bliss and euphoria of sex, but to be emotionally unarmed and unafraid of that armlessness.  I'm struggling to indulge that desire in my real life.  I'm struggling even more to find that escape hatch and leap towards the breakthrough I so deeply need.  I keep taking leaps and right above me is a glass ceiling. I have to crouch otherwise I hit my head. I can't stand up straight so I am forced to crawl through it all. It's immune to my punches, my attempts to shatter it with whatever objects I can find seem futile, and I just can't out-crawl it.  So..what now? How do I break through? Or do I crawl around on my knees the rest of my life?  I can't even see how tall I am - I only know myself on crouched knees.  Yesterday I wanted deeply to connect with someone. It came out so wrong - I think I mistook it for arousal, but I think I just wanted to be h...

 January 25th, 2026 Seems like all I've been doing is shedding. The slow, drawn out, boring work of undressing. That feels invisible to the naked eye. Until it isn't. I've been stripping bare - chamber by chamber. I started taking edibles as of Friday night - I haven't stopped taking them since. The past two days I've been high before bed. I haven't learned to shed my inhibitions otherwise. I am too damn good at bracing. At surviving. At keeping myself composed.  So my skin is hard to peel back. You'd almost think I couldn't, but I still can.  Sometimes the most transformative acts are the most mundane ones.  A few weeks back I was watching a tiktok video about the Islamic concept of sabr .  Sabr (Arabic: صَبْرٌ) is an Islamic term for patience, perseverance, and endurance, representing the ability to remain steadfast in faith, maintain inner peace, and continue doing good actions during difficult times, trials, or when facing unwanted outcomes.  I looke...

 January 25th, 2026 I hid when I saw you Because I was afraid And enthralled all at once And I chose the cowardly out: Hiding.  When you first came near, I stayed It didn't feel threatening But when I looked into your eyes  And I saw how deeply I could look into them I braced I braced for what I had grown accustomed to: The drop,  the disrespect,  the disregard,  the death by a thousand and one cuts You know, the relationship stuff . So as soon as I felt that warmth flooding my chest, it felt scary And so I hid.  I guess that says everything about me, doesn't it? That I flee when you come close, but stare at you with contempt when you stay back.  I want you close, I just can't reconcile The person I see when I'm hurt and the man I see when I'm craving your touch.  I kept saying how much I wanted you to come in , To sit on the windowsill and people watch with me. But I've never had the courage to invite you in. I keep leaving the door ajar beh...

 January 18th, 2026 Last night, I got all serious about my life again, and especially in regards to my career and future trajectory. I'm committing again to my plans. I'm studying for some certifications and planning to supplement my resume for another pivot by the year's end.  I am still on a little bit of a meditative kick following my EMDR session - seems like I am tracking this pattern of safety everywhere I go. The great news is that I had a breakthrough regarding my career trajectory moving forward. The bad news is that the change is a long ways away. I haven't yet overstayed my welcome, but I am reaching the tail end of that branch, so I've got to start planning for the drop. A lot has been on my mind. Of course, work, but also - connection, money, my future, etc. About my career, I have decided the most productive thing I can do right now (aside from working on those certs) is work on getting my nervous system right and expanding my capacity. I have been sho...

​January 11th, 2026 Something I’m grappling with as of late, certainly more than usual, is the result of my incessant self-criticism.  I thought about stretching myself out socially, and perhaps even dating. The thought felt..wrong. For instance, I thought of myself in a room of people, wondering what it is I would have to talk to them about. How it is we would relate and come to understand one another.  I don’t mean to be strange and off-putting, but I guess it is a byproduct of stripping yourself bare constantly.  My presentation is perfectly curated according to the following:  The instinct to self-protect (socially) Everything is filtered through that need. I don’t reveal very much about myself, I'd much rather play the role of a passive observer than participant, I am constantly evaluating the environments I’m in for signs of risk or harm, everyone is potential predator in my mind, and so that leaves little room to connect.  Additionally, so much of my life...

​January 4th, 2026 Today I woke up early, I wanted - needed to make use of the day before it got ahead of me. I made breakfast, got dressed, and went to go complete a load of laundry.  While my clothes were in the wash, I went for a walk. It was sunny, and that made me feel better.  A wrote a letter to my ancestors a few weeks back, asking for help getting my priorities in order, I have a feeling that I’m getting that prayer answered now. I feel a lot more clear-headed than I have been in weeks.  I am choosing to get back into motion after being knocked off course, but that's old news now. My mind is clear, and the path ahead has never looked smoother.  I chose to workout today, to run my errands, to recommit to the things that matter - I chose to write this entry. I want the normalcy I've grown accustomed to back.  I am choosing to focus on my priorities moving forward.  There is much to accomplish this year, and I want to get a head start.  - vetiver...