GLASS CEILING

 January 28th, 2026

Today I continued thinking about connection and what it means to connect.

Not to feel the bliss and euphoria of sex, but to be emotionally unarmed and unafraid of that armlessness. 

I'm struggling to indulge that desire in my real life. 

I'm struggling even more to find that escape hatch and leap towards the breakthrough I so deeply need. 

I keep taking leaps and right above me is a glass ceiling. I have to crouch otherwise I hit my head. I can't stand up straight so I am forced to crawl through it all. It's immune to my punches, my attempts to shatter it with whatever objects I can find seem futile, and I just can't out-crawl it. 

So..what now? How do I break through? Or do I crawl around on my knees the rest of my life? 

I can't even see how tall I am - I only know myself on crouched knees. 

Yesterday I wanted deeply to connect with someone. It came out so wrong - I think I mistook it for arousal, but I think I just wanted to be held for a bit. By someone who didn't make me fearful. 

It then flipped that switch in me that was bracing for the worst. Bracing for the letdown - the drop. Waiting for it, anticipating it, almost. I couldn't stop looking for this person. Like they were honey and I was the bee. I couldn't stop myself. 

After wedging some needed distance, I got to thinking about what it all meant. Even with broadened channels I find myself with a gaping hole in my chest I just can't get rid of or fill. 

My skin is bad this week, I am unhappy with my hair, I am bloated, I keep seeing the scale move up instead of down, and it all seems like I just can't find relief in any capacity. 

I know the peaks are integral to the process as the valleys, but I don't want to taste another valley again. I've been low enough times in my life. 

- vetiveroil