ST. VALENTINE'S DAY (EVE)

 February 13th, 2026

Today is Friday the thirteenth, I suppose things went fine. 

There's a three day weekend ahead, so I am happy.

After work, I went and got a forty-five minute massage, it felt nice. I was trying to fight off the feelings of worthlessness that kept resurfacing, I think they were just coming from a place of frustration and maybe being a bit touch starved. 

Afterwards, I went to the store and blew way more money than I cared to on items to make Valentine's Day baskets for my mom and sister. I feel quite proud of myself, because I got it done, though, I will be honest, nothing about gift giving comes naturally to me. 

I went to the gym today, even though I wasn't up for it. It felt worth trying to maintain this identity, even when I want to spiral into shame, into my old ways and habits. 

I realize also I lost an earring, one of my precious 18K gold studs - I am still upset. 

I've been at war with myself for some time, and I guess today it hit a culmination point. Temporarily, least.

I was tempted to eat something decadent, but I opted for something a little less so.

I was tempted to take an edible, but decided I didn't want to be that person anymore. 

Anyhow, too much pleasure seeking makes you miserable, ugly, and unhappy. 

I would know - plus I am vain enough to care about such things. 

I've been in a conundrum the past few months. I can't seem to shake it. I know I am not accomplishing the goals I keep setting forth, my body keeps rebelling against me, and each day I wake up, it feels like trying to walk a lion with a dog's leash. A disobedient one at that. No matter how much I tug and tug, it won't budge. I'm losing energy, and nothing's moving. 

I'm trying to find my own achilles heel in this whole thing, hoping I can break through to myself from the outside if I just think more creatively. I don't know if I am burned out, but I know I have been tugging in place. 

Today I cried for the first time in...a while. I feel like I needed to. I've been holding on to anger like it's my life-line, and despite my best efforts, I haven't been able to stop myself from being angry. I don't want to be such an angry girl, but sometimes what else is there to do but be angry? 

Even I can spot the holes in that line of thinking. but I'm too stubborn to confront it right now. 

Maybe tomorrow. 

-vetiveroil