VIRGO

​January 11th, 2026

Something I’m grappling with as of late, certainly more than usual, is the result of my incessant self-criticism. 

I thought about stretching myself out socially, and perhaps even dating. The thought felt..wrong. For instance, I thought of myself in a room of people, wondering what it is I would have to talk to them about. How it is we would relate and come to understand one another. 

I don’t mean to be strange and off-putting, but I guess it is a byproduct of stripping yourself bare constantly. 

My presentation is perfectly curated according to the following: 

The instinct to self-protect (socially)

Everything is filtered through that need. I don’t reveal very much about myself, I'd much rather play the role of a passive observer than participant, I am constantly evaluating the environments I’m in for signs of risk or harm, everyone is potential predator in my mind, and so that leaves little room to connect. 

Additionally, so much of my life the past year has been about trying to regain my footing and build some infrastructure for my future. There’s not much recreation happening — if any at all. 

No wonder I’m tearing at the seams lately. I can’t seem to pick myself up and push through like I’m used to, so I’m approaching it from side to side, week by week, trying to find a good angle. 

For instance, I was feeling low. I wanted an edible, but couldn’t find any THC products near me, I bought some CBD, which didn’t give me what I needed, which was a pick me up. 

So, I tried to clean up my routines for the upcoming week. 

I slept like a baby, and then went for a few beauty treatments. It did make me feel a little better. 

I did something I never imagined myself doing under these conditions. It made me realize that I do have some bones. I think deep down I am an insightful and intuitive person. I just don’t show it, but I don’t need to in order for it to exist. 

I hit another spiral last night (it was really early this morning) - I couldn't help myself and the tears just kept flowing. About everything and anything. I did everything I was supposed to.

I showered, I worked out, did a few beauty treatments, lit a few incense sticks, messaged a friend, washed my hair, ate, cleaned my room, ate a gummy, dabbed some rose oil on my pulse points - and still I found my wasting away in the early hours of the morning, unable to contain myself. 

The spirals are quite frequent now. 

Last night, I got to thinking about the things I am disgruntled about. I am working at them, working on not gnawing at my own tail as punishment and for control, but it doesn't seem to add up on most days. I am always coming up a few dollars short - and I could've sworn I had enough. 

My mind wandered back to [redacted], and then to myself, and then to the past, and the future I feel I won't ever get to have, and then back again to the past and the hopes that version of me held on to to make the present bearable. 

I just keeping wondering what's next, where to go, what door opens next, and so on. 

- vetiveroil