BABY

 February 23rd, 2026

The past twenty four hours has reset a few things back into perspective for me. It's crazy how easily writing comes to me again. I don't feel blocked. I have clarity and it feels so damn good. 

I want to continue moving forward with my life, I don't want to stop and stare my wounds. I also don't really want to forget that they are there, because admittedly, they've shaped me into a very particular kind of person, and keeping in mind where I come from is critical to naming my needs and identifying what I need to be and stay well, as well as the kind of life I want to pursue. 

Of course, I've been delving into all of the esoteric mediums possible..astrology, transits, dashas, nakshatras, destiny matrix, arcanas, tarot, and so on. I am desperately trying to align this series of shifts I am trying to usher in. 

Earlier I had a few calls lined up with a few different therapists to figure out if I could provide myself with some support to make sense of the debris that's becoming visible underneath all of that ice (the ice being my own fear and internalized shame). I'm really trying to fully participate in the process of tackling this baseline of fear and shame. It's very dirty work, but I don't feel that my life can truly progress to the next level without cleaning house. I'm stalled and assed out in every way if it ends here, which is why I know it can't. 

I am imagining that I am my own baby, and it's my job to provide my baby with the necessary nourishment and security to grow up. I guess that's a very good way of describing this phase of the psychological journey I am undertaking. 

My mind is clear, and from clarity some very good things are brought forth. Thank you, God. 

I told myself some years back, that I had a goal for twenty five. That I had a certain benchmark I was aiming for. I think somewhere along the line, I lost sight of my goal - or maybe I lost some of my fervor. Either way, I still want to make a few things happen between now and then. 

Additionally, I am becoming increasingly dissatisfied with New York. I'm not seeing a future here. If finances weren't a factor, I'd have left here in a heartbeat. That being said, I have much to work on these upcoming few years. 

My recent breakthrough served as affirmation in my own ability to create the things I desire for myself. I know that things are moving forward - in motion. That's reassuring.

I simply want my life to no longer be a no man's land. I no longer want my body to bear the weight of my self-destruction. I don't want to be braced anymore. I don't want to be in that house I used to live in anymore. I want out! Either by complete obliteration of that structure or I will desert it. 

Either way, I'll find a way to give myself all that I want, because I feel I deserve that. 

- vetiveroil