TOILING
February 25th, 2026
An incense stick is burning, and a candle is lit. I'm eating my dinner in front of my computer and feeling rather comfortable. I've gotten this little routine down pat the last few days. I get excited to write again.
I've had a lot to think about today, and so I thought I’d make myself a “progress report” to track down the micro ways that I’ve managed to improve my life (not in a fitness obsessed or I have my life under control and I’m a grown up way) - but just in a I used to struggle here and now I don’t way.
1. Work errors have stopped debilitating me.
2. I am getting hands on practice in tolerating relational ambiguity
3. I no longer fear or misunderstand my bodily cues as a lack of control
4. I no longer feel insecure around taking on more professional responsibility — in fact, I’m beginning to feel ready for it.
5. I’m beginning to uncouple fear from desire.
6. Despite some uneasiness around it, I am making it my business to be visible.
These are small changes in theory, but in the grand scheme of things they are huge.
So much mental real estate is being freed up, and so much endurance is being built.
In the past, it was one of my favorite pastimes to toil. I toiled often and often for the wrong things. For attention, for affection, for 'love', for pennies on the dollar, and for 'balance' with others.
What a scam that has been. I'm losing interest in doing it.
I was around the same man I've caught feelings for today. He suddenly looked so good in my eyes, I started to take it how good he looked and smelled (not a cologne kind of good, but something warm, earthy, and familiar - I can't exactly describe it). Anyway, the tangible barriers aside, I was anxious around him, I made an effort to look at him despite how nervous that makes me feel. It wasn't really reciprocated in that moment, and i suppose that's fine. Anyway, afterwards, I began to think about his abject unavailability and how it was feeding my limerence. In my head, we were close as can be, in reality - no true closeness could ever really happen. Not under these circumstances anyway. I asked myself to really stop and think about the past few days. To reflect on the mental clarity I've gotten, and the motion that's followed suit. I asked myself to truly answer this:
If I had a lush and expansive life, would this preoccupation with him still persist?
And then..
These conditions that are like fuel to my fantasy - would the terms of such a relationship even align with what it is I'm seeking?
Truthfully speaking, no. To both.
I think I imagine there being someone transcendentally close to make up for that lack of closeness i felt growing up. I think that's the source of whatever it is I am trying to reenact.
Yet, I know cognitively how critical it is to exercise self-control. To be honest with myself and remember that such relationships are not successful in the real world. Not without immense pain. I'm not really looking to be a martyr anymore.
I'm learning in real time what light-hearted connection looks like, that's often a prerequisite for deep and binding connection. I take for instance, my friend S. When S and I first became friends, I was on the brink of my personal transformation (the same one i'm undertaking now). Our connection was great at first, and yet a few months in my suspicion was aroused. I couldn't take it. She was kind and respectful and had dignity - but I felt perpetually unsafe. It was necessary to tolerate the friction that was stemming from the ambiguity of the relationship in order for it to progress. Fast forward to the present day, and S is someone I deeply trust. I can't say I trust too many people, but I know from what I've observed that she is an objectively kind and safe person. I tell her often that she is a jewel and she makes me feel safe.
That kind of connection is priceless, because it came freely. It didn't require my toiling for it.
I'm guilty of toiling after things as a means of self-flagellating. I guess that is aligned with the martyr thing, too. Again, I no longer want to be a martyr.
I'm toiling after something worthwhile for a change: being myself.
- vetiveroil
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