LEVELS

 February 22nd, 2026

It dawned on me recently, that there are absolutely levels to this.

By this I mean the journey of somatic revival and nervous system rewiring I'm currently knee deep in. 

Though, I suppose you can say that about anything, and you'd technically be correct.

Yesterday, I was starving, but also in a pinch. We had an impending blizzard, and despite really not wanting to, I went and got my laundry done (very much past due). It was kind of warm, so I went for a thirty-five minute walk. When I got back, I threw everything in the dryer and frantically tried to find somewhere to get food from that was local and also not super unhealthy.

There's a Jamaican restaurant nearby, one I'd been to before, so naturally, I went again.

I arrived, and the same staff was there as when I went 2 or so years ago. An older woman with a very icy disposition (rich coming from me) and a slender older man, who I presumed to be the cook or one of them. Last time I was there, I accidentally offended him. I placed my order with the woman, he had been sitting in conversation (wasn't wearing a uniform) but offered to help me. It took me aback because I assumed he was a patron, not staff, and I was concerned that an unfamiliar man was so eager to interact with me. I froze and drew back visibly, which led to the interaction souring. 

This time around, I recognized that he was staff, and when he jumped in to help, I didn't recoil. Instead, I thanked him. He was incredibly warm, though flirtatious, which felt rather harmless. 

He complimented me on my appearance, and asked where I was from. To which I simply replied:

"Haiti." 

I thought about this interaction just now, and I realize that I'm past the first level in this journey. 

I've heard people say that one possible explanation for ballooning in weight is to protect oneself. It certainly was a correlational outcome in my experience. I can't say that the reason why my weight spiraled was due to my need to self-protect, I actually believe it was a naturally consequence of trying to regulate and find relief through food instead of coping in other ways that didn't really feel available to me as a girl/teen. That being said, being so heavy did help form another psychological layer around the lack of security I felt growing up. It truly acted as a barrier for intimacy and connection and being alive. I still am deeply perfectionistic, but a lot of that energy was concentrated around my appearance - more specifically my body/weight. I did not beelive it was possible to connect with others because of my weight. I did not believe it was possible to be intimate with a man because of my weight. I did not believe it was sensical to participate in basic expressions like dancing, dressing up, articulating pleasure, and so on. 

My weight, until very, very recently was a scapegoat for a lot of the anguish and insecurity I felt. I assumed I felt those things because of my weight/appearance - not that my framework was influencing the weight gain. I guess the shedding of the weight is like having a few consecutively sunny days after a snow storm. When that ice melts, so much you forgot was underneath it starts to reappear. Some of it is debris, some of it is just stuff. 

Anyway, I am mainly thinking about the transformations that have ensued:

1. Feeling emboldened to try new clothes and (re)-define what I like style-wise. 

2. Shedding the illusion that my weight is the barrier to connection, intimacy, pleasure, etc. 

(It never was!) 

3. Having more mobility and enjoying the joys of having a physical presence.

4. More somatic awareness - understanding the cycles of my physical body as a woman. 

5. A shift in internal states - WL made it possibly to expand the sensations possible. 

*See below for explanation

6. Having a wider variety of things that bring me comfort, relief, and pleasure. 

7. Truly feeling like a woman and not a frozen....girl? 

*I think another realization I've had in hindsight is that growing up I toggled between extreme discomfort and then numbness through bingeing on food or other physical pleasures (edibles more recently). The numbness was an attempt at suppressing the discomfort I was feeling (really, it was an attempt to balance it out with pleasure, but addictions are numbing in nature). I had a lot of discomfort, because I was constantly having to protect myself as a child - physically and psychologically. I was often a target of people's ridicule and threats of physical violence weren't uncommon for me. Somatically, I became very good at becoming undetectable. I would often appear lax as can be, stone faced, body unmoved, but absolutely frozen and terrified inside. It became routine, and that routine shaped a large part of my life so far. 

Being undetectable, being a tabula rasa - in the sense that I was intentionally not making any impressions. I wasn't giving any indications about my internal state, my personal preferences, my likes/dislikes, etc. I was fiercely guarded at all times, and protective over my thoughts, opinions, and feelings (still am) because I wasn't confident that any information being gathered would be used with neutral intent. I was concerned about being prey (information being used as fodder for predatory people or to size me up). I still am very skilled at this, unfortunately. 

I couldn't make sense of it last year, why I felt so invisible, even when I was physically present. I think internally I was so numb and dissociated I probably didn't register to other people. Anyway, this extreme discomfort needed an outlet, and so naturally the binge eating became a stand in for emotional care. Even at home, there was a sense that I would be left to my own vices - literally. So food became a very easy way to try and regulate and relieve pressure. I can still remember coming home, letting a tear or two finally fall, and then going insane in the kitchen. Anything I could get my hands on I would binge like it was my only chance at survival. Past the point of comfort - even if I wasn't hungry, I would force myself to eat. I liked that feeling of extreme "fullness" especially if I felt sad or particularly hollow inside from another emotional injury. I would eat, and eat, and eat, and distract myself with TV shows and try to distract myself from the fact that by the next morning, I'd have to do it all over again. 

I'm frustrated with myself lately for having a knee jerk reaction to people - like I did that man two years ago. Frustrated that this body of mine, new as can be still remembers how to brace for protection. That skill is more of a hindrance than anything and maybe that's why my body has been silently rebelling against me the past two and a half months. 

Like I said, I'm knee deep in this thing. The positive thing is that I have some mobility left, so I'm going to have to find my way out of this. One way or another.

With this insight in mind, I feel a lot less ashamed of myself, because I know I'm only trying to protect me, and for a long time I was the only person bearing the weight of that responsibility. 

- vetiveroil