vetiveroil

 October 30th, 2025 Today we had non-stop rain, no sun, and strong winds. The aftermath of a very strong storm grazing our coast as it devastates the Antilles.  I went for my walk during lunch and almost froze to death. The winds were strong and I was almost dragged along with my umbrella.  After work, I picked up some snacks, then went and paid a premium on gas so I wouldn't have to get out of the car and pump it myself. After that, I went for a short walk before showering and picked up where I left off earlier at work today and started to feel my chest hollow out again. I was thinking of [redacted] and tried to wean out my feels using some somatic techniques I've learned in therapy. At first, it wasn't working very well. And then after a while the tears just starting forming and next thing I knew I was crying at work.  I thought I processed the situation last time, but maybe I was too caught up in the event and not the letdown attached to it all. I thought about h...

 October 29th, 2025 Today went by quickly and it was mostly peaceful . I woke up with a headache, but I did sleep more more soundly than the previous night.  I ate my breakfast alone in the office, which was just delightful.  I successfully closed my fifth project this year, that brings my running total closer to the $2M benchmark I set for myself. I left for class not too long after lunch, and I even got my walk in which was nice. Class ran a little longer than I expected and I didn't get a chance to work out like I had hoped to. After therapy I ran to a deli a few towns over and wolfed down (2) chocolate chip cookies on the way back to my car. The only positive thing about that is that I got in my steps - I guess I enjoyed them and that's also a delight. I was 600 or so steps shy of hitting my step goal. I contemplated whether I should break my streak or push myself. I decided to push myself and so I am safe (for now).  I am reflecting on the month of October as it...

 October 28th, 2025 I've been on a downward spiral the past twenty four hours.  Only to find out that I have just entered my Luteal phase, which would honestly explain a lot.  Last night (rather, this morning) I woke up at like 2AM in a pool of anxiety, while half asleep, I think I was in the middle of a bad dream, but I can't remember. I do know, I accidentally tugged too hard and broke my beloved gold necklace from the side. I jumped up and turned on my lamp to check the damage and when I saw what I had done, I wanted to cry.  I tried my tapping technique to no avail.  I couldn't go back to sleep after that, my head was swarming with fear around a slew of ridiculous things: Am I falling behind at work?  Do people notice - am I being judged for it? Am I going to get fired for making mistakes? What if I am simply not cut out for this? Despite my best efforts and how much I keep trying.. What's next after this course? Was it a lapse in foresight or is it act...

 October 26th, 2025 I started this entry at 11:59PM, so really, it should be dated 10/25/25, but that is neither here nor there right now. I thought earlier today (or yesterday) that I am ready to comb through my list of desires and analyze them for any lingering proxies. I went back to a post I made in July ( x ) and it was nice. I find that was a clear entry, with clear desires, not just proxies for what I want but either cannot have outright, or admit to myself that I want outright.  I think I am on the same page still, so I figured I would use that as a benchmark for my current life and see if that is a reflection of what I desire.  Right now I am...   1. Enrolled in a course, seeking out a new skill Pros:   Learning a new skill, building leverage for my next career pivot Cons: Still no (crystal) clear direction on where I am going with this.  Still unsure of whether to pursue studies fully or utilize new skills to keep advancing professionally   ...

October 24th, 2025 Today was eventful.  I forgot to pray, but I think that I was urging myself to stand firm in the little bit of courage I've mustered up in the past few days. It felt awful, but I tried to reframe it from a standpoint of balance . Anything out of balance will tip and fall. That is simply reality.  Likewise, one of the ways in which I've often gone wrong in the past is by perpetuating this imbalance and making sure I remained on the losing end to confirm to myself that I wasn't a bad person. Obviously given my league of failed connections, this is a piss poor strategy. One I'm being forced to kick to the curb, because I realize I simply cannot operate like that anymore. I'm reframing what it means to be bad  and simply just trying to be honest . Honest people are kind, even if their kindness tastes bitter at first, it ultimately gives you peace and that's a precious commodity in today's world. In the adult world. Honest people don't ch...

October 21st, 2025 The way life's panned out thus far for me can be described as an involuntary dance between two extremes.  Today mirrored that dance perfectly . The axis of today's exhausting dance was resenting how far behind I keep falling when it comes to all of the things I envisioned for myself and at once feeling as though I am, in fact, progressing. Just slowly .  There was a time where all I had was my inner world, and I decorated the walls inside of my head with beautiful ideas of what life would look and feel like once I finally escaped whatever circumstances I was forced to endure. If I was particularly lonely, in my inner world, I had tons of people who loved and cared about me. If I felt invisible , in my inner world, I couldn’t escape being seen if I wanted to. If I felt unwanted , again, my inner world was a mirror opposite of that feeling. In that sense, I had hope because I could easily envision something more nourishing and that gave me the strength to keep...

 October 20th, 2025 Today I got back on the path of asceticism. This time, not because I was hoping it would grant me something, but because I realize that everything must  be maintained - my physical being included. I've fallen down the path of self-neglect before, and I refuse to go back.  It's really kicking my obsession with beauty and the male gaze, but like in a way that was very much necessary. Today was boring, I had work, I tried to bridge the relationship between myself and my coworker - not at the expense of myself this time, then I went to class, I was able to follow along this time and thankfully so. I went to the gym, got winded because it's been exactly one week since I've done a high intensity cardio session. I went grocery shopping after, came home, made dinner and lunch for the next 2-3 days, and now I'm waiting for the sweet potato brownies I am making to be done. It may be time to document it, because I keep losing it in my notes and it irritates...

 October 19th, 2025 After several weeks (at least) of neglect, I think I am back to business as usual. I was wondering why my face looked so puffy and bloated yesterday, then I remembered my last targeted cardio workout was a week ago. In addition to that, I’ve been barely eating and eating like shit when I do eat as a result of not being able to savor anything. My hunger cues are fucked. I nearly fainted today, then I realized I’m running off of caffeine, 4hrs of sleep, and a kid’s portion of cereal. My vanity behooves me sometimes. I take it to dangerous lengths when I tend to it in lieu of my health (bad habit), it feels like the security (I feel) it buys me is worth more than life itself, is that pathetic to say? It isn’t in reality, but in my mind it does. I am renouncing my vanity for now in order to bring things back into balance .  Balance seems to be a word I'm referencing a lot lately. It sucks to realize how much in your life has been unbalanced and how complicit...

 October 18th, 2025 Today I was green with envy .  I didn't do much. I didn't even get a solid workout in. I also ate a greasy buttered bagel and have been running on that and a shit ton of caffeine all day. I decided to enjoy my last day with my hair out before it goes up in braids for the remainder of the season. Then, at 5PM, I went to a Halloween party with my friend.  It was quite eye opening. While there, I kept wondering how it could all be so simple for some people to "have it all" and why some of us have to toil for a fraction of it.  I felt sad that I hadn't really made much of my college "experience" (largely due to COVID). I didn't date, I didn't make any friends, just a handful of acquaintances, I didn't even figure out what I wanted to do with my life - it was quite literally a fleeting page in the book of my life, and not even an exciting one, despite my wishes.  In addition to a large circle, a doting partner, and a huge hous...

October 16th, 2025 Lately, I’ve had a shift in perspectives (thank you 9H Uranus transit!).  I've been trying very hard lately to pinpoint my values - traversing different realms, walking in and out of creative spaces after being ejected from them, cowering back into my shell after failing to penetrate another person's inner world, etc. I haven't been very successful and namely, I've realizing that my values are quite messy . As of yesterday, I can't help but I wonder if what I should be narrowing down are my sensibilities .  I'm struggling to articulate the difference, but I sense that sensibilities are much more intrinsic than values are. Our sensibilities are as intrinsic and random as our temperaments. They can be named, but really they are felt . Sensibility is kind of like..a frequency or an essence. We don't choose them, but rather, we are chosen by them .  Values, for instance, are largely the result of social conditioning. They're apt to chang...

 October 15th, 2025 Today I never made it to work. I probably could've made it in, but I am fighting a cold and quite frankly didn't really feel like it today.  Despite sleeping a few more hours, I didn't feel rejuvenated all that much, so I gave up on trying.  I had therapy and much of what we discussed was what feeling safe was like and how to keep that feeling with me. We also touched upon compassion and how I can keep a baseline of that with myself, which I deeply struggle with. She mentioned to me that love is without performance - cognitively I can reason with that logic, emotionally, I can't even make sense of those words. I guess I am frustrated by the slow progress, but I feel as though we are finally getting a chance to touch these deep layers, and so maybe it's all worth the wait.  I made it to class today, another day of getting totally lost and feeling embarrassed about it.  However, today I made a friend , and connecting with her made me feel at ea...

October 13th, 2025 Today, I got a small inkling that my prayer was in the midst of being answered - like I knew it would be. Something ( small ) happened that affirmed to me that it was safe to trust others. That perhaps the threat dwells in the shadows of my subconscious and not necessarily in the light of reality. I won’t divulge it fully, but I’m deeply grateful , because I needed to see those affirmations play out to realize that I’m not falling short on the things I’ve been seeking out from life - I am, rather, just in the midst of aligning with them.  I guess given my history, there’s gotta be some deep house cleaning beforehand. Or maybe that’s the perfectionist in me speaking. Despite the struggles, I realize that I am still: I.  Obtaining the pre-requisites to make the work I seek out meaningful and perfectly aligned with me . II. Establishing the communal relationships that make me feel whole and seen . Which entails having the courage to simply be . III. Giving ...

 October 12th, 2025 Last night (or rather, this morning), I think I had a partial breakthrough.  It's not one I'm fully ready to accept and act in accordance with, but it's one that has shifted my outlook just enough to consider doing so.  Life hasn't improved much since my last entry.  Today I found myself spiraling. It took some effort, but I got dressed and went to the gym, and surprisingly, it did have a noticeable effect on my mental health.  I'm trying to wean myself off of the sweets and chocolate, because I recognize that it's my way of trying to find quick dopamine hits when the serotonin is low. It doesn't help (clearly). Earlier, my spiral was about the extreme pressure I put on myself to keep "improving" as a means of finding control and security amidst the very confusing and painful events that are occuring in my life right now. These events seem to be coinciding with some deeply embedded wounds and it's gut-wrenching. I've be...

 October 10th, 2025 Today was another taxing day. I spiraled a few times (in my own silence, of course). After work, I went to the gym, after the gym I realized I've been seriously slacking when it comes to my health, and thought I should recommit to doing better, for my own sake, not in hopes of any particular outcome, but just because I couldn't bear to start regaining weight amidst everything I have on my plate right now. So after that, I came home, cleaned my room, and then decided to go for a little walk.  The walk ended up being nearly 2 hrs and 4 miles later I get home. It was freezing. I was hoping to clear my head and soothe the ache in my chest about all that I don't have, and i think I distracted myself for a bit, but the second I walked through the door, the crushing feelings of hopelessness and grief came back. During my walk, I found myself dissociating and really daydreaming. In my head, my perfect world, I was somebody. I had a cute apartment to myself, peop...

October 8th, 2025 Today was a miraculously hopeful day. Maybe it’s because I took my Vetiver with me today and prayed 3 times. Just maybe.  I (again) made a costly error at work. This one had been brewing over the span of two months, and will cost me — that being said, I blurted it out. The cost was my ego, the output was my peace . I had a test in class today. The very first one. 45% of my final grade rested upon my ability to score a passing grade. I scored an 88% [:)].  I thought a lot about what my professor said to me on Monday, which is that I’m not doing well and should drop the course. I’m used to being ejected from places, so I guess in thinking about it, I didn’t feel the need to let go, even when my ego was telling me I should. I will have to spend some extra time on catching up by re-doing my old assignments. It’s an added step that no one in my course has to do — and yet I’m doing. I always think about how unfair it is that I have to fight tooth and nail for thin...

 October 6th, 2025 This weekend, I blew a lot of money in an attempt to self-soothe. My most used coping mechanism (binge eating) is no longer an option - so I suppose I'm working on the next best thing. If that doesn't have the kick I need, I might have to start compulsively sleeping with strangers (JK!).  Yesterday, I got a facial, and Persian food for the second time in a row. I tried eating so much that it came right back up, which didn't help. I called out of work, because I was afraid that in addition to my personal and academic life crumbling - my professional life would be at the mercy of my flared temper.  I am frustrated . About many things, and it is coming out in the form of a really intense iciness I don't display very often. One that I am actually deeply uncomfortable with and ashamed of .  Today after class, my professor spoke with me briefly and suggested that I drop the course. She reminded me that the deadline to do so was in November, and that I'...

October 4th, 2025 Today I chose vanity over functionality/myself. I didn’t work out this morning, and cancelled my doctor’s appointment for the second week in a row in order to work out some plans with a friend. My preoccupation with my appearance is taking center stage again - and that usually indicates that I’m going through something I’m not letting myself process correctly. That’s a big indicator for me. I don’t feel particularly disgruntled at the moment, I think crying yesterday helped. I bought 2 packs of these huge incense sticks from a street vendor near 34th. I’m coming home with a belly full of Persian shish kababs, chocolate gelato, and Coke Zero. I dropped my friend off at her train stop, and continued wandering around the city alone, but with a profound feeling of loneliness in my stomach.  Full of food, hungering for connection . The vents of yesterday being my most recent trigger - I've been finding myself contemplating why it is I never feel settled among people. ...

October 2nd, 2025 So I have a new therapist now. Our intake session went well, I felt understood, which is nice. She seems to be capable of filling in those gaps I’m needing filled in, which is great. I have something to look forward to now on Wednesdays. Work has sped up, I couldn’t slack even if I wanted to — and believe me, I want to. I’ve been wanting to take a day off and give myself a three day weekend to reset, but that’s not possible right now. I’m failing my course. There’s shame underneath my indifference, I just have too much happening at once to stop and lick that particular wound. I am afraid of: 1. Failing my course, cementing the perception that I am simply not good enough (to my colleagues, and especially to myself ). 2. Weight regain and falling into the decade’s long habit of using food to release pressure and cope . 3. Slipping at work - especially while balancing some high end projects. 4. Stalling at work - not progressing forward after a nice little momentum I...

 September 28th, 2025 It's Sunday night and I'm realizing that I enjoyed my weekend.  I don't say that often, and to be honest, I've been in an emotional spiral for the past few weeks, so this feels like a treat. I feel like the hammam treatment I had done yesterday washed away my sins, and maybe that's how powerful ritual is for the human psyche.  I feel as though I've been reborn! I think something I am realizing is that I am in this cycle regardless of who is in it with me. I'm getting over that door that felt like it slammed shut in my face and coming to terms with the fact that it may never re-open and I have to not only make peace with that very likely outcome, but find a way not to linger behind it, lest I miss all of the other doors opening around me. I've had quite the appetite today - actually I've been wrestling with my appetite for some time now. I'm wondering if it's psychological or physical to be this hungry .  Hungry for sweet...

 September 21st, 2025 This eclipse season has been beating my ass - psychologically and physically. I think a breakthrough is on the horizon, though.  I got another journal this weekend. I can't cope with the signals of genuine distress I'm emitting and so to help myself, I'm going back to something I know: writing. I guess the act of putting pen to paper is so profoundly therapeutic for me that this is taking a back seat. Sometime soon, I'll divulge the changes and insights I've been able to retrieve. For now, I am simply too ashamed to blog. To counteract the shame I've been purging the past week - I'm deciding to list out what I need to do in the coming weeks to stay sane: 1. Find an EMDR therapist. 2. Retain said therapist for at least 3 sessions.  3. Drop these 6 lbs by mid-October.  4. Maintain a B average in my course.  5. Start swimming again.  Focusing on these 5 things will help me maintain a sense of control over my own mind and therefore he...

September 18th, 2025 Today was rough. What I want is repelled by me and I have to find a way to cope with that. I still haven't (really).  In the midst of my chaos, I stayed true.  I went for a walk today and saw a car whose license plate read: 777 IN GOD WE TRUST I figured that was a sign to keep trekking forward. I think I got more angry today than anything. It's a funny jump from the sadness I've been wallowing in the past few days. I don’t feel like being too nice, or too communicative. Which is strange because typically, I can’t stand the tension of distance. It makes me feel like someone is mad at me and it hurts . Subconsciously, whether I want to admit it or not, I measure my worth based on the reaction of others, what a double edged sword that is. I thought about how personally I take small things as a result of that thinking. Constantly feeling that I'm owed warmth and kindness otherwise it makes me ache and I have to find a way to fix it. I’m unamused these d...

 September 17th, 2025 It's been an interesting past few days to say the least. Yesterday evening, the flood gates opened and I was able to squeeze out a few tears. This morning, I woke up feeling tender, but lighter .  All day today, I was in a somber mood. My head was swarmed with thoughts, and shame, and guilt, and fear, and nothing could bring me any relief. After work, I drove to class with tears forming but not quite flowing. The one break I got from my own mind was during our countless exercises in class. Nevermind that I am not fully grasping the concept, and that's worrying - but I had complete silence for those 2.5 hours. Complete and utter silence, a luxury I didn't quite grasp until I left class it all began again. The shame spiral peaked during my workout, and I thought for sure my lungs would give out - not from the movement, but from being overwhelmed. I got home, tried eating - but I'm feeling peckish these days. The positive thing about all of this is th...