CLEANSE

 September 28th, 2025

It's Sunday night and I'm realizing that I enjoyed my weekend. 

I don't say that often, and to be honest, I've been in an emotional spiral for the past few weeks, so this feels like a treat. I feel like the hammam treatment I had done yesterday washed away my sins, and maybe that's how powerful ritual is for the human psyche. 

I feel as though I've been reborn!

I think something I am realizing is that I am in this cycle regardless of who is in it with me. I'm getting over that door that felt like it slammed shut in my face and coming to terms with the fact that it may never re-open and I have to not only make peace with that very likely outcome, but find a way not to linger behind it, lest I miss all of the other doors opening around me.

I've had quite the appetite today - actually I've been wrestling with my appetite for some time now. I'm wondering if it's psychological or physical to be this hungry. 

Hungry for sweets, something savory - hungry for attention...and affection...and warmth. 

Yet so afraid of it - throwing out the treat after a bite so I won't be tempted to go back to it. Dumping the guy after realizing I like his affection a lot and that's inherently out of my control. Shutting myself out of the friendships because I don't feel safe once we stop performing for one another.

I hunger a lot. 

I deprive myself even more.

I'm thinking of all the things I desire right now. All of the things the people I am drawn to model for me:

Social agility.

Creative freedom.

Liking myself.

Others liking me.

Liking others.

Community.

And so on...

I guess I'm back to the drawing board here. Trying to figure out what to pursue next. This course is killing me. Trying to lock down a therapist is killing me. This long schedule is killing me. Loneliness is killing me. 

I'll die a slow death if i don't get out of this somehow. 

I'm grateful for the cleanse i received this weekend. 

- vetiveroil