VANITY

October 4th, 2025

Today I chose vanity over functionality/myself.

I didn’t work out this morning, and cancelled my doctor’s appointment for the second week in a row in order to work out some plans with a friend.

My preoccupation with my appearance is taking center stage again - and that usually indicates that I’m going through something I’m not letting myself process correctly. That’s a big indicator for me. I don’t feel particularly disgruntled at the moment, I think crying yesterday helped.

I bought 2 packs of these huge incense sticks from a street vendor near 34th.

I’m coming home with a belly full of Persian shish kababs, chocolate gelato, and Coke Zero.

I dropped my friend off at her train stop, and continued wandering around the city alone, but with a profound feeling of loneliness in my stomach. 

Full of food, hungering for connection.

The vents of yesterday being my most recent trigger - I've been finding myself contemplating why it is I never feel settled among people. They say loneliness is the human condition, it has certainly been large vein in mine. I think I have to allow myself to come to terms with the fact that I'll be misunderstood, overlooked, and on the outskirts of whatever pecking order exists wherever I dwell. 

I felt all my life that there was hope for me. That perhaps the creative groups and communities I idealized as a child unable to fit in would be my saving grace - I'm realizing that isn't the case either. I'm tempted to feel victimized by it and say that I am the common denominator, and so I must be the problem.

Then, I think to myself, how so? I'm just showing up, I'm just being myself as much as possible without usurping the will or space of others - what's so wrong about that? If something does happen to be wrong, I'm not sure there's anything I can do, because I suck at being what's celebrated socially.

I am not extraverted, I struggle with spontaneously talking about things I have no interest or experience in, I hate sports, my metrics are often not status based - I am deeply curious, but I disengage when I feel as though I'm being sized up for something. 

I still struggle to divest from my meritocratic line of thinking. I know that I am a kind person, I know that I treat people with respect, that I am considerate - to my detriment at times, and yet sometimes i feel that no one really likes me. 

If anything, yesterday highlighted the painful reminder that people seldom feel the need to truly show up for me. I guess I have been reflecting on the painful moments of yesterday and trying to make sense of them. 

While walking around in the city today, my friend pointed out that all women seemed to wear the same thing nowadays. It took some effort to bring that observation to consciousness, but when I did, she was correct. I realized that I had fallen into the trap and was aiming to be like all of these girls who seemed to effortlessly attract promising young men for lovers and partners, who seemed to be popular and part of well-knit social circles, who seemed to be liked by their colleagues, and understood by the algorithms. 

I think fifteen year old me would be deeply disappointed with me for caring about fitting in. 

Seems like life rewards certain people and punishes others - being what you are, despite the micro-punishments is the opposite of taking the path of least resistance. I struggle to remember that in the moment because that wound of being misunderstood, overlooked, and standing on the outskirts is so painful to bear. It's like sea salt being scrubbed into that open crevice each time I feel it happening.

I'm watching this 2 hour long Madonna interview - she seems to think that being misunderstood is a gift. I guess I'm not yet on that frequency.

This Saturn in Pisces transit has been incredibly painful for me - I keep feeling a lot of coldness from others, and for the second time in my life, I care. And I never really did for a long time. 

- vetiveroil