LETDOWN

 October 30th, 2025

Today we had non-stop rain, no sun, and strong winds.

The aftermath of a very strong storm grazing our coast as it devastates the Antilles. 

I went for my walk during lunch and almost froze to death. The winds were strong and I was almost dragged along with my umbrella. 

After work, I picked up some snacks, then went and paid a premium on gas so I wouldn't have to get out of the car and pump it myself.

After that, I went for a short walk before showering and picked up where I left off earlier at work today and started to feel my chest hollow out again.

I was thinking of [redacted] and tried to wean out my feels using some somatic techniques I've learned in therapy. At first, it wasn't working very well. And then after a while the tears just starting forming and next thing I knew I was crying at work. 

I thought I processed the situation last time, but maybe I was too caught up in the event and not the letdown attached to it all. I thought about how it was my first time in a long time allowing myself to desire someone. My first time feeling genuine desire for someone. 

How destabilizing is that!

All of my worst fears came to pass and it almost felt like I set myself up for that. I guess today, what I cried about was not the series of events itself, but the loss of hope that ensued. I did what I knew best: barricaded myself in the tower of apathy that I was in before. I wanted to flee when I realized that I was squeezing blood from a rock. Longing to be seen, held, understood, and doted upon by someone who simply did not care about me.  

I found myself asking that familiar question: what did I do wrong?

And feeling resentful that I would never get that answer. 

You were like a clam shell I just could not for the life of me pry open. 

I imagined that there was a pearl in there - or two, or three.. 

I never imagined that it would be empty, but maybe I have to come to terms with that possibility. It's not often that I meet people who feel like they have the capacity to understand me, but I felt you did. 

I journaled about you often in those days. I found myself saying that it felt like we were cut from a similar cloth, but maybe I am wondering if that is what I wanted to be true. Perhaps that was only true in my head, because I was yearning was that kind of resonance and found it briefly in you. 

Anyway, I've been clammed up since. Somehow the things we fear the most have a way of coming to fruition in the most cruel ways. I was deeply fearful that admitting my desire (even to myself) would be a gateway for disappointment to seep in and zap me of my hard-earned innocence. The slow, yet certain death of my affection for you seemed to cement my deepest fears around connection. 

It was a letdown in every sense and I honestly wish I had never done that. 

I don't have it in me to be mature about the whole thing. 

I just want to be childish and disgruntled.

- vetiveroil