THE RIBBON IS GONE AND I'M FINDING A WAY TO RID MYSELF OF YOU

 September 17th, 2025

It's been an interesting past few days to say the least.

Yesterday evening, the flood gates opened and I was able to squeeze out a few tears.

This morning, I woke up feeling tender, but lighter. 

All day today, I was in a somber mood. My head was swarmed with thoughts, and shame, and guilt, and fear, and nothing could bring me any relief. After work, I drove to class with tears forming but not quite flowing. The one break I got from my own mind was during our countless exercises in class. Nevermind that I am not fully grasping the concept, and that's worrying - but I had complete silence for those 2.5 hours. Complete and utter silence, a luxury I didn't quite grasp until I left class it all began again.

The shame spiral peaked during my workout, and I thought for sure my lungs would give out - not from the movement, but from being overwhelmed. I got home, tried eating - but I'm feeling peckish these days.

The positive thing about all of this is that it's progressing my continued weight loss much more quickly than I expected. I guess overall it's forcing me to hyper-focus on things I would otherwise be too restless to pour my energy into (my course for instance). 

I am feeling better today, which is proof that my letter to my ancestors worked :))))

I'm now tasked with finding a new therapist. Something I'd really prefer not to have to deal with right now, but I suppose is also a chance. I'm wondering if EMDR or group therapy may be helpful? I intend to move forward with my life at some point, regardless of how hollow I left that situation feeling. 

I'm trying to reframe it as useful feedback. I'm not quite there yet, it just feels like ammunition for my self-criticism. I'm trying to re-envision some things I had pictured prior. Just so they align better with reality. 

I guess it's fitting for Saturn and Neptune to be in UBP as these events go down. Disillusionment is the perfect term for it all right now. Once we are free of illusions, then living gets easy. We are free. I figure that by the end of it all, I'll be liberated from a lot of things, perhaps that's the blessing. 

I just wonder, though, will I ever meet someone I resonate with so deeply? 

Will they want me back this time? 

I guess for now that's useless to find out. 

I'm listing out my priorities so that I remember what they are:

1. Fitness - lose this last stretch of the excess weight.

2. Strength training - tone up with a trainer until around Spring time. 

3. Complete my course with a B or higher - focus on mastering the skill for my pivot next year. 

4. Find a new therapist - perhaps a different treatment plan. 

5. Clean up debt - focus on where to crunch down when I get this lump sum. 

The gift of being an 8H moon is the ability to emotionally regenerate. Over and over again. 

Thank you God, and thank you to my ancestors for always answering my prayers.

- vetiveroil