777 - IN GOD WE TRUST

September 18th, 2025

Today was rough.

What I want is repelled by me and I have to find a way to cope with that. I still haven't (really). 

In the midst of my chaos, I stayed true. 

I went for a walk today and saw a car whose license plate read:

777

IN GOD WE TRUST

I figured that was a sign to keep trekking forward.

I think I got more angry today than anything. It's a funny jump from the sadness I've been wallowing in the past few days. I don’t feel like being too nice, or too communicative. Which is strange because typically, I can’t stand the tension of distance. It makes me feel like someone is mad at me and it hurts. Subconsciously, whether I want to admit it or not, I measure my worth based on the reaction of others, what a double edged sword that is.

I thought about how personally I take small things as a result of that thinking. Constantly feeling that I'm owed warmth and kindness otherwise it makes me ache and I have to find a way to fix it. I’m unamused these days, unapologetically so. Strangely enough, I take things way less personally.

Ironically, the internal pressure has eased up a ton since I simply..stopped caring? Is caring less truly the key to connecting more? Something so paradoxical about it. 

I'm tasked with trying to find a new therapist and the search feels hopeless. 

I'm trying to find a way to cope with this abrupt change. I think today I wreaked havoc on the world, and I'm not sure I feel bad about it. 

I feel angry. For no particular reason, but at everything and everyone. 

I don't even feel like explaining myself, or being particularly energetic to mask the discomfort. I just feel..completely and utterly still. I'm not still very often.

Somehow I have to give myself enough grace to be human. Perhaps today is a start. 

- vetiveroil