STRETCHED THIN

October 2nd, 2025

So I have a new therapist now. Our intake session went well, I felt understood, which is nice. She seems to be capable of filling in those gaps I’m needing filled in, which is great. I have something to look forward to now on Wednesdays.

Work has sped up, I couldn’t slack even if I wanted to — and believe me, I want to. I’ve been wanting to take a day off and give myself a three day weekend to reset, but that’s not possible right now.

I’m failing my course. There’s shame underneath my indifference, I just have too much happening at once to stop and lick that particular wound.

I am afraid of:

1. Failing my course, cementing the perception that I am simply not good enough (to my colleagues, and especially to myself).

2. Weight regain and falling into the decade’s long habit of using food to release pressure and cope.

3. Slipping at work - especially while balancing some high end projects.

4. Stalling at work - not progressing forward after a nice little momentum I picked up this Spring.

5. Feeling this way forever. Fearful, uncertain, directionless.

I am really struggling. I find that I’m sleeping little because of this schedule, my hormones are probably fucked as a result making it harder to resist cravings for sweets (I stuffed myself with 2 M&M cookies this morning and realized that was an additional 400 calories and tightening my deficit). I’m trying to stay as active as I can, I’m doing well with that, but it’s hard to out-exercise a bad diet.

Ever since I broke my streak 2 weeks ago, I’ve been really struggling to keep good logs of what I’m eating. That’s not helping the situation.

I am fearful of letting anyone down at work. I’m struggling to slow down because everything is picking up. I’m struggling in my course because I’m only able to use what’s left of my energy reserves to apply myself (that is at best 20%). Clearly that’s not working. I don’t know where to tighten up, work, school, health — these are all critical sectors of my life and none can be prioritized over the other.

I’m still struggling with connection. Perhaps this will be alleviated with my new therapist, it certainly doesn’t make life feel easier when people are your biggest trigger.

I’m stretched thin. Yet I can’t let go in any capacity to give me back some relief.

Where do I go from here?

- vetiveroil