ENVY

 October 18th, 2025

Today I was green with envy. 

I didn't do much. I didn't even get a solid workout in. I also ate a greasy buttered bagel and have been running on that and a shit ton of caffeine all day. I decided to enjoy my last day with my hair out before it goes up in braids for the remainder of the season. Then, at 5PM, I went to a Halloween party with my friend. 

It was quite eye opening. While there, I kept wondering how it could all be so simple for some people to "have it all" and why some of us have to toil for a fraction of it. 

I felt sad that I hadn't really made much of my college "experience" (largely due to COVID). I didn't date, I didn't make any friends, just a handful of acquaintances, I didn't even figure out what I wanted to do with my life - it was quite literally a fleeting page in the book of my life, and not even an exciting one, despite my wishes. 

In addition to a large circle, a doting partner, and a huge house, I couldn't deny the fact that this person was simply brilliant. It popped open a stitch on that wound of inadequacy I just can't seem to get to heal properly. I just keep restitching it and it won't stop snagging on everything. My clothes, other people's perceived adequacy, rejection and ejection from what I'm chasing, etc. It's like the time I tried to heal my helix piercing, but it was always snagging on my headbands and getting irritated so I just took out the jewelry and let it close. All I have now is a slightly bumpy keloid in that spot. 

I kept asking myself what it is that other people have that makes them a fit for good things and what is it that's on me (or in me, I'm not sure) that makes it so I'm completely disqualified. I'm smart enough to know that is distorted thinking and coming from a bruised and traumatic place. 

After getting home from the party, I took a walk to make sure I hit my steps. I thought about everything I saw, and how badly I wanted that for me. I also reflected on how stuck I felt. My body genuinely doesn't know the difference between socializing with people and being locked in a room with an apex predator. It elicits a deep feeling of discomfort. I guess I have my years of being bullied in school to thank for that. Most people don't feel safe for me. Even those that feel safe I look at with suspicion at times, and that's unwarranted, but again - my body can't tell the difference.

I have been stewing in a cocktail of rage and shame for the past 24 hours. I regret getting angry with someone I deeply respect and appreciate, but I feel it was coming from a real place and in the time I've known her, that's probably the time I've been my most authentic self and it wasn't very pleasing. 

Speaking of pleasing - I keep figuring out if my prison is in the perfectionist cage I've gilded for myself to cope with my inability to trust others long enough to connect. I think I know the answer. Overall, today I felt like my insides were scooped out and out that remained was this heavy yearning for something I wanted but couldn't find. That's most days, for me, but it echoed extra loudly today. 

I'm hoping that somewhere silently I'm cashing in on good karma. 

I feel like I am getting nowhere with the life I am yearning for and working so tirelessly towards. 

- vetiveroil