GOODWILL

 October 15th, 2025

Today I never made it to work.

I probably could've made it in, but I am fighting a cold and quite frankly didn't really feel like it today. 

Despite sleeping a few more hours, I didn't feel rejuvenated all that much, so I gave up on trying. 

I had therapy and much of what we discussed was what feeling safe was like and how to keep that feeling with me. We also touched upon compassion and how I can keep a baseline of that with myself, which I deeply struggle with. She mentioned to me that love is without performance - cognitively I can reason with that logic, emotionally, I can't even make sense of those words. I guess I am frustrated by the slow progress, but I feel as though we are finally getting a chance to touch these deep layers, and so maybe it's all worth the wait. 

I made it to class today, another day of getting totally lost and feeling embarrassed about it. 

However, today I made a friend, and connecting with her made me feel at ease, like I was truly connecting with someone, not just bantering, and that is something I miss a lot. 

Yet, it made me deeply critical of my own vanity, my shallowness, and also my tendency to self-destruct through the wrong relationships/environments.

Fucking up in class made it so that I was able to break that barrier and speak to this person I otherwise would've been too in my head to approach. That was special, and I am grateful for it. 

I'm experiencing unexpected moments of goodwill from others lately, and it is reaffirming relational safety for me. I'm deeply grateful for it, yet equally as fearful of what it reveals about me and what it is I've experienced. before

I am reminded once again:

Even our errors can be divine. 

- vetiveroil