BALANCE

 October 19th, 2025

After several weeks (at least) of neglect, I think I am back to business as usual.

I was wondering why my face looked so puffy and bloated yesterday, then I remembered my last targeted cardio workout was a week ago. In addition to that, I’ve been barely eating and eating like shit when I do eat as a result of not being able to savor anything. My hunger cues are fucked. I nearly fainted today, then I realized I’m running off of caffeine, 4hrs of sleep, and a kid’s portion of cereal.

My vanity behooves me sometimes. I take it to dangerous lengths when I tend to it in lieu of my health (bad habit), it feels like the security (I feel) it buys me is worth more than life itself, is that pathetic to say?

It isn’t in reality, but in my mind it does.

I am renouncing my vanity for now in order to bring things back into balance. 

Balance seems to be a word I'm referencing a lot lately. It sucks to realize how much in your life has been unbalanced and how complicit you are in that being the case. I certainly realize that I expel too much of my energy out for too little in return and that's a problem. I am also fully complicit in my self-erasure, the same one I've been enraged about all weekend. 

It is simply the time to do better.

Something has to shift one way or another. The thing I've been realizing about peace, balance, and conflict is that they are all interconnected (duh!) - but not in the most obvious way.

Conflict is, in fact, not the adversary of peace, but rather a conduit of it. Conflict arises when balance is disturbed and it simply isn't enough to avoid it or stifle it, or pacify the conflicting parties into some tepid form of "embrace" - it is (or can be) an opportunity to uproot the relationship altogether and rebuilt it on levelled grounds with more mutual terms. Conflict avoidant as I have been in the past, I am also very keen to destroy - and maybe that's not in spite of my conflict avoidance, but as a result of it. 

I prayed earlier for the balance I need internally to ground me long enough to reflect it externally. I am trusting that what I need will come to me and that's I guess all I can do right now. 

We shall see. 

- vetiveroil