CYCLES

 October 28th, 2025

I've been on a downward spiral the past twenty four hours. 

Only to find out that I have just entered my Luteal phase, which would honestly explain a lot. 

Last night (rather, this morning) I woke up at like 2AM in a pool of anxiety, while half asleep, I think I was in the middle of a bad dream, but I can't remember. I do know, I accidentally tugged too hard and broke my beloved gold necklace from the side. I jumped up and turned on my lamp to check the damage and when I saw what I had done, I wanted to cry. 

I tried my tapping technique to no avail. 

I couldn't go back to sleep after that, my head was swarming with fear around a slew of ridiculous things:

Am I falling behind at work? 

Do people notice - am I being judged for it?

Am I going to get fired for making mistakes?

What if I am simply not cut out for this? Despite my best efforts and how much I keep trying..

What's next after this course? Was it a lapse in foresight or is it actually taking me somewhere?

Am I gaining weight again? Is my binging habit returning?

Does this new guy that piqued my interest now like my friend? Is this a pattern forming?

Will I reach that milestone I set for myself by 25 - will I fall short by my own hand?

Has life peaked? Is this the best I'm ever going to get? Will I die wishing for the high to come (but it never does)? 

Am I as shallow and frivolous as I like to portray? Is it the reason I can't connect? 

Will I ever feel normal? Is being an anomaly simply encoded into my essence? 

Needless to say, I was beyond exhausted this morning. I woke up and attempted to make myself a nutritious breakfast and failed. I got Starbucks on the way to work. It was freezing and quite gloomy today, I still went for a walk and thought a lot about work and what I intend to do next. I keep wanting to trust myself and the path sprawling out ahead, but I can't help myself sometimes. I'm struggling to fit in somewhere again. I am gaining a skill, but I'm not sure where to use it or what it'll mean for me moving forward. 

I am going to sleep off this bad juju (my Luteal phase) and see if that makes a difference. It is only Tuesday and I am exhausted.