CUL-DE-SAC

October 24th, 2025

Today was eventful. 

I forgot to pray, but I think that I was urging myself to stand firm in the little bit of courage I've mustered up in the past few days. It felt awful, but I tried to reframe it from a standpoint of balance. Anything out of balance will tip and fall. That is simply reality.

 Likewise, one of the ways in which I've often gone wrong in the past is by perpetuating this imbalance and making sure I remained on the losing end to confirm to myself that I wasn't a bad person. Obviously given my league of failed connections, this is a piss poor strategy. One I'm being forced to kick to the curb, because I realize I simply cannot operate like that anymore. I'm reframing what it means to be bad and simply just trying to be honest. Honest people are kind, even if their kindness tastes bitter at first, it ultimately gives you peace and that's a precious commodity in today's world. In the adult world. Honest people don't cheat you out of the truth. 

Perhaps that means more to me now than being good does. 

I guess that means I am growing in some form, shape, or fashion. 

Another thing I did today, was dare to ask myself a slew of difficult questions:

Who is vetiveroil?

Can she live with herself?

Who is she in reality - not who she is aspiring to be?

Can she put up with herself by way of allowing people who accept her...to accept her?

I'm exhausted just thinking of how to answer these. 

I guess the only way to free myself from this trauma cul-de-sac is by being honest and true to myself. I don't know how to do either very well, because mostly, I just take the path of least resistance. 

I am back to my little routine, and I surprisingly managed to shed like 3 lbs over the past week and a half. This is in part due to not being able to really eat last week due to my cold as well as being more intentional with food this week. I am eating eggs for every breakfast, keeping the snacks to a minimum (a cup or so of jumbo blueberries and a protein yogurt if I feel I need it), a small lunch, and then dinner. 

On Monday, I had my first workout in a week and skipping the gym the week prior (due to being sick) really caught up to me. It was extremely humbling to be so out of breath over a workout I've done routinely since about June. I didn't work out Wednesday, because after class, I had therapy, but today I made it my business to go and push myself to finish it without any breaks in between. I did and felt so good afterwards. I am urging myself to stop gnawing at my own tail and selling myself short by destroying myself under the guise of beauty. It is so tempting. 

I'm writing down a list of priorities and things I intend to accomplish by the end of the season. 

Among other things, I am contemplating how to get myself from point A to point B after this course ends. I will figure that out soon, that I'm sure of. 

- vetiveroil