HOPE

October 8th, 2025

Today was a miraculously hopeful day.

Maybe it’s because I took my Vetiver with me today and prayed 3 times. Just maybe. 

I (again) made a costly error at work. This one had been brewing over the span of two months, and will cost me — that being said, I blurted it out. The cost was my ego, the output was my peace.

I had a test in class today. The very first one. 45% of my final grade rested upon my ability to score a passing grade. I scored an 88% [:)]. 

I thought a lot about what my professor said to me on Monday, which is that I’m not doing well and should drop the course. I’m used to being ejected from places, so I guess in thinking about it, I didn’t feel the need to let go, even when my ego was telling me I should. I will have to spend some extra time on catching up by re-doing my old assignments. It’s an added step that no one in my course has to do — and yet I’m doing. I always think about how unfair it is that I have to fight tooth and nail for things sometimes, and yet I know that's what makes me such a fighter and at times, a leader. Life has shown me that I mustn't cower or expect for things to be dropped into my lap - that hardly ever happens. I am fighting for the life I want, even with the shitty tools carved from circumstances I neither wanted or deserved. That must count for something. 

By the same token, I realize how much of a liability this eagerness to impose my will can be, especially in regards to other people. I sometimes fight too much for the givens, and that haunts me more than I care to admit. Especially as of late. Certain things are a given and should be given freely. I don't have to wrestle for them, I'm just used to doing so. 

My therapist and I had a very somatic-focused session today, I ended up crying which I didn't really expect to. She highlighted for me just how important a person in my life has been as a model for what compassion and healthy relational bonding is and looks like. 

Today more than anything I felt that all is not lost, and that I am passing through a storm on this path I'm on. This weekend, I will be spending extra time catching up on the past four weeks of class. That is eight classes total. It is brutal, but I am not too keen on wasting an opportunity I was given, or a second chance I am being offered. 

Life once felt above me, and not that the hurdles are magically behind me, but I have some room for air today, and that makes the fight all worth it. My gift is one of regeneration.

All is well right now.

- vetiveroil