INANNA'S DESCENT
October 6th, 2025
My most used coping mechanism (binge eating) is no longer an option - so I suppose I'm working on the next best thing. If that doesn't have the kick I need, I might have to start compulsively sleeping with strangers (JK!).
Yesterday, I got a facial, and Persian food for the second time in a row. I tried eating so much that it came right back up, which didn't help. I called out of work, because I was afraid that in addition to my personal and academic life crumbling - my professional life would be at the mercy of my flared temper.
I am frustrated. About many things, and it is coming out in the form of a really intense iciness I don't display very often. One that I am actually deeply uncomfortable with and ashamed of.
Today after class, my professor spoke with me briefly and suggested that I drop the course. She reminded me that the deadline to do so was in November, and that I'd have some time to think about it and act. That hurt. I was, for probably the upteenth time this entire weekend, fighting back tears.
In speaking with a friend earlier this afternoon, I mentioned to her that I wondered how it could possibly get worse. She laughed and reminded me not to say that and we both agreed that rock bottom sometimes has a basement and a cellar. Hearing that from my professor felt like discovering the stairwell to the basement. I am upset with myself, in so many ways - but in this one, for some reason.
It feels like I am constantly trying my best and falling very short. I left the building in a sullen mood and wondering:
Why is it that my best isn't enough? Why is everything ejecting me as of late?
I feel rejected by the circles I've long idealized as a safe place on account of our (seemingly) shared sensibilities.
I feel rejected by someone I deeply respected and admired. To add insult to injury, I get to watch him extend the warmth and friendship I so longed for to others, while it was blocked off for me.
I feel rejected at home, where I'm often misconstrued and violated. Often through selective deprivation.
I feel rejected at work, where I'm learning that I am hardly even an afterthought, despite my best efforts.
I feel rejected by my own aspirations and goals. I seem to be misaligned to what I envisioned for myself - even in an industry I enjoy. I simply do not fit in.
With the events of late, I am often asking myself:
What's wrong with me?
Am I simply difficult to consider?
Is it even worth it to try anymore?
Am I worth anything intrinsically valuable?
The good thing about today is that it strengthened the bond I have to my friend. It's not often that I lower my defenses enough to let others see me in a vulnerable or compromised position. It strengthened the way I felt about her and the trust I had in her to be alongside me as I traversed a very difficult and personal journey.For some reason, I am thinking a lot about the Sumerian myth of Inanna's Descent.
Nights such as this one, when it's all still, and my heart feels unbearably heavy, I have to remind myself of this excerpt:
She was told: 'Quiet, Inanna, the ways of the underworld are perfect They may not be questioned.'
The ways of the underworld are perfect, and they may not be questioned. Such is the law.
- vetiveroil
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