vetiveroil

September 1st, 2025 Last night (early this morning, rather) I began to unravel something that's been clinging to me for quite some time: the desire to be invisible .  Something I'm struggling with a lot lately is both breaking free from that as well as accepting the drawbacks that come with that. I'm no longer hiding from people (physically at least). I think I am becoming visible now, and that's really terrifying because it feels like I'm relinquishing the right to determine which light I'm being seen in, who is seeing me, and what they choose to do with what they're seeing/gathering, etc. It makes me deeply uncomfortable.  Particularly, I thought about my tendency to hide from men. It sounds so so silly and immature, but I think I have a genuine fear of male attention and what it comes with. I reflected on the encounters I keep having as of late: catcalling, men (strangers, and the ones I know personally) making sexually charged comments towards me, feeli...

 August 31st, 2025 Yesterday ended on a very good note. I'm very grateful that I decided (even partially) to adapt the mindset of allowing the chips to fall where they may without needing to get 3 steps ahead of the outcome.  I ended up making it out to my relative's home, which was deep into Long Island, and very lovely. I'm so touched and so grateful for the sweet gesture, especially since I had put any birthday celebrations on the back burner. I also was able to spend the time with my friend, S. She brought me a bouquet of flowers, a mini fortune cookie cake (to make up for the botched cake I never picked up from my baker), a big ass basket of goodies (that I've yet to open), and I was so touched by the show of genuine friendship that she was showing me. I picked up a cheap Carvel ice cream cake to cut and share, and though I forgot the candles, everyone went around and started sharing their kind words about me which I'm ashamed to admit this, but felt really, re...

 August 30th, 2025 Today is one of those days where nothing is going  according to plan. I'm resisting (and failing) the urge to blame myself for what I did and didn't do (like that brings me any comfort) in order to cope with the fact that life is resisting me back .  For starters, I was supposed to mail out an important check yesterday, but figured I'd do it today. Obviously, the post office closed at 1pm and by the time I had left the house it was 12:40pm.  I got the check, but it won't be mailed out until Tuesday, which means I'll likely have to pay an expedited shipping fee. Secondly, I ordered some more gold, the package was supposed to arrive this morning, but when I checked the mailbox, all I got was a stupid slip saying they had missed me. I tried calling the number (no luck except for an automated robot). I'm not seeing those earrings until next week which is annoying.  A relative decided to throw me a surprise party today, which I am only just finding...

August 29th, 2025 I’m grateful I made it through this final week. I’m also grateful for the three day weekend ahead of me. Today I did a cardio session, and then I went for a very low impact walk afterwards. I also hit a 90 day streak with my regular exercise, which I’m quite proud of. Crazy how the key to having endurance and strong heart is simply enduring . That’s something my Mars-Saturn feels quite comfortable with. EXPANDING THE WORLDVIEW: Something miraculous happened to someone close to me a few days ago (that they shared with me). It was something traumatic and harsh, and a year later, they were cashing in on it. I know things like that happen, and yet my brain wasn’t able to really compute that it could happen to me. And now (as terrible as it sounds), assuming the long term effects were minimal if even existing, I would wish for that kind of blessing. Yet, I don’t really know for certain that I’d use it to the fullest possible extent. Anyway, that was a reminder for me to st...

 August 28th, 2025 Today I went to a hot yoga class with my coworker after work. It was a first for me (on more than one front). She's someone I'm learning to disrobe with. By that I mean, inhabit a close space with and not succumbing to the landmines she might accidentally (or otherwise) step on. Anyway, the class was... interesting to say the least.  It was relaxing. Hot as hell . I was surrounded by lots of very fit individuals and it suddenly dawned on me to be insecure . I forgot all of the progress I've made in the past 10 months and simply felt out of place there. I was able to follow most of the workouts and that was fun, but I gave up fifteen minutes before class ended. I felt I had done enough.  I realized that I was clumsy . I guess how you are in one area, speaks to how you are in other areas, and maybe clumsy is the word that fits me best. I wobbled like hell on my legs, and realized I struggle that way in general - I'm opening up to the idea of dating (cl...

 August 27th, 2025 Today I went to my college orientation. It wasn't mandatory, but I figured I should go to brace myself. I expected to feel old, out of place, awkward, even. For probably one of the first times in my life, I didn't.  Most of the people around me were children with their parents, and so it didn't feel as daunting. During one of the info sessions, I felt an overwhelming sense of...nostalgia? It was a longing to be pulled back into nineteen year old me's world, but I snapped out of it when I remembered just how turbulent and restrictive it was back then. If I could go back with the confidence I have now (which isn't much at all), the money I am making currently, and the worldview I've acquired since - I probably would. Since none of that is possible, I figured I'd just get acquainted with the gratitude for my being there.  In a way, I could see why people say college is supposed to be fun . For me it was anything but that, especially when I wa...

August 25th, 2025 Today a colleague said something that I perceived to be inflammatory . I felt a concoction of feelings boiling over in my chest. There was rage, anxiety, and more importantly  insecurity brewing in my chest.  I removed the lid and dialed down the heat to let it simmer until it cooled before I pried it apart. Why does that matter? If I try and prove them wrong, what does that do for me? Was that intentional? A dog whistle? I realize that I’ve worked enough to prove myself. Not to say that I’m spotless, but I am beginning to realize that it’s futile to try and sway anyone to convince them of my value . It’s exhausting, actually. I’ve been trying to prove myself for the past year. Prove that I’m good enough , that I can improve , that I deserve to be there. Robbing myself of the grace and the peace I so rightfully deserve because I’m choosing to swallow the insecurities on my plate.  I don’t want to be that person anymore . I like that I’m making more ...

August 25th, 2025 Last night I had a random memory resurface of my (great) grandma asking me to thread her a needle so she could sew. Something so simple came laced with so much nostalgia. This morning I pulled up the blinds and my desert rose looked back at me. Bald. Long gone are the days of vibrant pink blooms, she’s now humble and green (LOL). It hasn’t been more than 2 months of flowering, and yet, I got used to the beauty. I didn’t take it for granted, per se, but I forgot to appreciate the velvety green leaves. Seems like life is a series of powerful cycles, and I guess even more so for me. My Destiny Matrix chart puts my central arcana as a 10 - which is presented by the wheel of fortune: 1. The wheel:  A giant, spinning wheel is depicted with various figures on and around it. It represents the endless cycles of life, where luck and circumstances are constantly in motion. 2. The four corners:  The card often shows four winged creatures—an angel, an eagle, a bull, and ...

 August 24th, 2025 Today I thought about putting up my vision board.  My Virgo brain immediately went into perfectionist mode. I wanted everything to be pristine and perfect, and then I stopped myself - I wanted to analyze the need beneath all of that, and I caught whiffs of it.  Part of it is intrinsic..I do have high standards, and like things to look a certain way. But the more sinister side of it, is that I am hoping that tidying it up on the physical front yields me the things I crave: closeness, support, belonging, clarity, support, etc.  And yet I established a few days ago that none of those things necessarily go hand in hand with being perfect . Unfortunately, these are just not things you earn by being good and I keep having to fight that distortion, because cognitively I understand it, emotionally the pattern has yet to be broken.  If I choose to make desire my compass, I need to constantly be straining that stream of energy of any pollutants (insecur...

August 24th, 2025 Today has been a perfect Sunday. I usually don’t like Sunday’s very much, they’re heavy, sad, and honestly a little dreadful. As a kid, I hated them because it meant being dragged to church for 3 hours, something I didn’t care to do, but was forced to do. Nowadays, I grieve the end of my weekends and the start of a new work week. Today, however, I’m in my own private oasis. the energy isn’t so heavy, like it was yesterday. My inner world feels a little less turbulent. I’ve showered, I’m in my bed, My hair smells like the incense I’ve been burning the past 45 minutes, I’ve eaten, I feel ease . I’m grateful for days like these where the world is still enough for me to catch my breath. I went for an evening walk, and when I came home, I washed dishes and ate.  What a great Summer. - vetiveroil

August 24th, 2025 Intimacy is a skill - something I'm realizing today.  A skill I am very poorly versed at, and I deeply resent that fact. I came to the realization today that I don’t have the knowledge or understanding of men to connect with them in any real way. Perhaps that’s why I haven’t traditionally expected much from them. I don’t feel safe around most men, I question their motives a lot, and even when they’re seemingly unthreatening, I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and for them to show me even a glimpse of their hand so I can flee. It always just feels like a given; never a matter of if , but always a when .  Is this worldview conducive to my desires at having a real and stable romantic and erotic life? Not at all. I keep thinking about that video I saw on my favorite artist. How much I relate to him, because our desires seem poorly aligned with our behavior, and attempts at correcting it hardly ever yields any results. In fact, the attempts at self-...

August 23rd, 2025 Today was rough. I woke up at 7am, despite being roughly 8hrs in sleep debt. I felt I should make the most of it all, so after a nice carb-filled breakfast, I decided to walk a trail. I was intending to walk 6 miles total (3 miles to and back), but only did about 4 and some change. I wanted a little treat, so I got myself a soft serve with sprinkles. I felt like total shit after, so I went home and lied in bed. The day didn’t really pick up from there. I’m not completely spiraling, but I just can’t shake this heaviness. I decided to clean my room and do my laundry for the week, and hopefully that brings something close to peace into the space. I’m burning some incense before bed to help. Aside from eating like complete shit, I’m just feeling tired . I’m wondering if I have any deficiencies happening, because it feels like I just can’t be bothered. No energy. No will to do things. I have the absolute bare minimum available: work, workout, make some dinner, wait it out ...

August 20th, 2025 I'm still in a low mood that i just can't kick.  I think maybe this is the emotional tone of this solar return year (Moon-Saturn).  I keep listening to mellow music on repeat, and I guess that doesn't help either.  Today I had another series of client meetings at work today, in one of them, I was on the verge of fainting (too much caffeine, not enough food). After work, I went to the gym and was able to do my first arm workout. I felt like a little bit of an idiot the whole time, I didn't know what I was doing really, and felt insecure about my form. I figure I should get into this habit now, because come fall, I'll need the good habit established.  I was a video today called "love is not a meritocracy" on tiktok, and it burned me to my core. I guess my subconscious expectation is that everything will eventually fall in line when I'm good enough. When I've shed all the weight, when I've started to make the money I want to mak...

August 18th, 2025 It’s in the high 60s today as far as temperature goes. All traces of Summer seem to have vanished, and I’m immediately melancholic. I’m picking up my books from the old house after work today, and also making peace with the end of that chapter. I’ve gone through a lot of different things in that apartment, I can’t say I’ll miss it. Lately, I’m trying to be more graceful to others. Meeting them with empathy instead of annoyance or anger when I feel they are careless towards me. I hate how it feels like weakness, sometimes. And yet, I feel that it’s deeply necessary if I ever want normal relationships with people. For instance, today was coworker was crying. I’m not sure why, but I felt really sad for her, despite there being a level of mistrust between us. I tried not to view her as a potential threat, because that lens keeps me disconnected and devoid of any empathy for her lot in life, which I’m sure is deeper than she shows. The problem with viewing people as potent...

 August 17th, 2025 Doctors consider the start of each monthly cycle to be on the first day that vaginal bleeding occurs, so as far as I'm concerned today is the first day of August in my world. I was fairly productive today despite the discomfort and overall lack of energy. I'm getting ready to go out to dinner with my dad, my sister decided not to come, so I guess it's just us two.  I've been trying to reset and rid myself of my vices as of late. Recently they are: chocolate, emotional rumination, and self-flagellation. To combat all three, I ate a big indulgent breakfast and went to the gym two hours later. It was just cardio, and though I was super tempted to do more, my cramps went up several pain levels by the end and I just wanted to go. I did get a nice sweat from all of the carbs I've been eating lately, which felt good. Afterwards, I went food shopping, and then I came home and cleaned the kitchen before the cramps knocked my ass out and I just took a Midol...

 August 17th, 2025 It's 2:06AM, I just got back from being out with some friends. I realize i had a great time, and it's rare for me to have such eventful nights.  I'm also realizing, I've been seeing the number '222' a lot. For a quick second, my brain associated it with someone I knew. Someone I liked . Perhaps the number is showing me that I can fall back on those qualities and feelings I admired in this person. That soft, creative, calm side of me.  I watched a movie I used to love watching in my childhood, it really reminded me of how misattuned I am to the culture I'm living in, and how much I've internalized that and felt that I was just an anomaly when that's not the case at all. Unchecked desire often times feels like a need , but it's not a need. I guess today, even though I didn't get my ego stroked and validated the way I desired, that was alright. I'm back to giving up and acting like I never met that person, to disconnect my...

August 15th, 2025 I’m starting to hate Instagram, now. This morning, I opened someone’s story and the face of someone I’ve been trying so hard to forget was staring back at me. My heart DROPPED and I’m sitting here anxious as hell, trying to act like that didn’t happen. I resent how much of an imprint this person made on me, how whenever they come to mind, it’s like a thousand butterflies swirling around in my chest and I just can’t contain myself or be normal about it. And I thought I had mastered the art of being stoic. I keep telling myself that it doesn’t matter, that it’s out of reach, and that I’m better off focusing on other things (my upcoming course, my professional future, my emotional shortcomings, my ROUTINE , even) and it all just keeps finding a way into my space. Which is so irritating, because this person is so close and yet so far. I figured we’d have crossed paths again, in fact, I’ve often walked down the street secretly hoping we’d run into one another. Had daydream...

August 14th, 2025 (24) Terms & Conditions: 1.   Force  repels , ease attracts. 2.   Monthly  facials & hammam trips! 3.     Stick  to using tretinoin (NO breaks!) 4.   One hour or  more  of movement (daily) . 5.   Monthly  facials & hammam trips! 6.   Evaluate yearly  goals  quarterly. 7.    Weight lift 3x week,  every  week. 8.   Wearing my retainer  during  the day. 9.   Asking  for what I need/want, plainly so. 10.   Meals comprised of  whole foods  primarily. 11.   Designated “ play ” time with my sister. 12.  Reading before   bed   (instead of doom-scrolling). 13.   Being vulnerable instead of angry , even when it's raw. 14.   Assuming people  mean  well - for my own sanity. 15.   Staying with me, even when it's tempting to leave. 16.   Understand  the need, don't just scratch the i...