REFLECTIONS

August 20th, 2025

I'm still in a low mood that i just can't kick. 

I think maybe this is the emotional tone of this solar return year (Moon-Saturn). 

I keep listening to mellow music on repeat, and I guess that doesn't help either. 

Today I had another series of client meetings at work today, in one of them, I was on the verge of fainting (too much caffeine, not enough food). After work, I went to the gym and was able to do my first arm workout. I felt like a little bit of an idiot the whole time, I didn't know what I was doing really, and felt insecure about my form. I figure I should get into this habit now, because come fall, I'll need the good habit established. 

I was a video today called "love is not a meritocracy" on tiktok, and it burned me to my core. I guess my subconscious expectation is that everything will eventually fall in line when I'm good enough.

When I've shed all the weight, when I've started to make the money I want to make, when I learn to neatly file and manage my emotions, when I.. 

The list could honestly grow forever. In the same breath, I realize this preoccupation with becoming better narrows my worldview quite a bit. I don't do much anymore, my world has been steadily shrinking for some time, and it's partially because I've convinced myself to hyperfocus on 2-3 key things really intensely and improve them so I'll be deserving of the affection I'm craving so badly.

And that video also made me realize that love, affection - these things come naturally to us. 

I've loved some imperfect people before - so imperfect that I would reinforce my own denial by telling myself I saw the good in them that they were oblivious to. Even if I was being "used" (AKA giving to them as a means of feeding our connection to prove to myself that I had earned the right to be given back to). I watched my own life force be taken from me gradually over the course of a lengthy connection, and that was a big catalyst for me to let go and feed myself for once. 

I have high self-confidence, I'd like to think. I'm confident in my abilities, I bounce back quick, I know I can pick up whatever I want, and give myself whatever I desire. But my self-esteem is perpetually low. It sometimes feels like something is deeply wrong with me and all I can do is try to sniff it out and fix it.

When it comes to relationships, my brain says "I'll do so much for them, show up so well for them, they'll absolutely be forced to value me because I carry my own weight." and in reality, it doesn't pan out that way. 

Days like today, I have to remind myself that I am proud of me. That I'm not just failing upwards or spiraling in place. That I've made progress and the following serves as proof:

1. Lost a significant amount of weight in the past year.

2. Pursued a skill that will result in a higher-paying skillset. 

3. Made an effort to find community around what I care about (even if it went nowhere).

4. Pieced myself back together, even as things crumbled around me. 

These things are proof of movement; proof of life.

Love is (sadly) not a meritocracy. You can't act your way into someone's affection.

I'm learning to accept that the affection won't ever come with some people. That I may be shown cruelty and apathy by someone who shows warmth and tenderness to the person right next to me, and no matter my feelings on the situation, I must never try and supplement that with my own efforts to prove that I deserve that, too. 

I guess it's reminding me of all the dark rooms I once stood in, hoping the lights would come on for me, but they never did. All of the times I let me down by not gauging things realistically, but through the lens of my own insecurity. All of the times I saw danger and ran towards it at full speed, because I was hungry - and paid the price for it. You'd think after so much experience, I'd figure out the following:

• Losing weight won't earn it.
• Obtaining the object of desire's traits won't earn it. 
• Being agreeable and polite won't earn it.
• It's not my fault, it's not their fault, it's not anyone's fault. 

"Love, like rain, does not choose the ground which it falls upon." 

- Mozambican Proverb

Somehow that's easier to remember than practice. One of these days it'll stick.

I'm a little stubborn sometimes.

- vetiveroil