AL-ANDALUS

 August 27th, 2025

Today I went to my college orientation.

It wasn't mandatory, but I figured I should go to brace myself. I expected to feel old, out of place, awkward, even. For probably one of the first times in my life, I didn't. 

Most of the people around me were children with their parents, and so it didn't feel as daunting. During one of the info sessions, I felt an overwhelming sense of...nostalgia? It was a longing to be pulled back into nineteen year old me's world, but I snapped out of it when I remembered just how turbulent and restrictive it was back then. If I could go back with the confidence I have now (which isn't much at all), the money I am making currently, and the worldview I've acquired since - I probably would. Since none of that is possible, I figured I'd just get acquainted with the gratitude for my being there. 

In a way, I could see why people say college is supposed to be fun. For me it was anything but that, especially when I was younger. But knowing what I've experienced about how the adult world is shaped, I understand it. When life is a constant run, it feels like heaven to have so much free-time and such close proximity to people who relate to you. In the adult world, that's a very rare treat. 

I thought about how engaging with people in this very (socially) low-stakes environment might be a stepping stone into training myself to be comfortable and feel safe around people in general, and i'm choosing to adapt that lens as I go forward. 

Otherwise, I'm well, I guess. Earlier was very overwhelming. I kept being flooded with heaviness (mainly frustration over other matters, as well as fear of perhaps not being smart enough for my course). I've decided to pause my meltdown, because I just don't know what's supposed to happen next, and that means the outcome may not be negative. 

I fear that going down this path (the course) is icing me out of options, but I also figure I shouldn't adapt this mindset. It's not helpful, and doesn't allow me to work with the tides of change - which is equally as important as imposing my will on my current reality. 

Albeit a little boring, the experience was refreshing. It was nice to be around people who were excited and grateful about what it is they were doing. I might've been excited, but I certainly wasn't grateful at that age, and perhaps that's the missing ingredient. I also realize you must also believe in what it is you are doing in order to go the full course - I maybe half believed in what it is i was doing at the time - that's helpful to remember when the times get hard. 

On another note:

I'm still highly debating whether I can afford a trip to Grenada Spain next Spring, I'm itching to go and I need something to look forward to during this grueling Winter. 

I didn't workout today, and woke up with hunger pains from nopt eating much yesterday. I'm working on the balance, I swear I am. I keep finding myself in the presence of almosts. 

Almost:

- the right guy

- the right bed frame

- the right time/way to say something hard

- the right look 

And so on. Almost truly is never enough and that's rough. 

This is all I have for today, I'm spent, but what else is new.

- vetiveroil