POISE

 August 28th, 2025

Today I went to a hot yoga class with my coworker after work.

It was a first for me (on more than one front). She's someone I'm learning to disrobe with. By that I mean, inhabit a close space with and not succumbing to the landmines she might accidentally (or otherwise) step on. Anyway, the class was...interesting to say the least. 

It was relaxing. Hot as hell. I was surrounded by lots of very fit individuals and it suddenly dawned on me to be insecure. I forgot all of the progress I've made in the past 10 months and simply felt out of place there. I was able to follow most of the workouts and that was fun, but I gave up fifteen minutes before class ended. I felt I had done enough. 

I realized that I was clumsy. I guess how you are in one area, speaks to how you are in other areas, and maybe clumsy is the word that fits me best. I wobbled like hell on my legs, and realized I struggle that way in general - I'm opening up to the idea of dating (clumsily), I'm learning to tolerate people in my personal bubble (clumsily), I'm learning to move forward even when I don't feel so hot (clumsily), I'm learning to find other methods of remaining safe without sabotaging my future (clumsily). 

I wish I had my coworker's poise and flexibility. That I could keeps my legs in the air off of core strength alone, that I could sweat and make it look graceful. But I slip and fall in the puddle of my own sweat (often), I crave closeness so intensely and then when it aims for me, I flee, I get in my head and then lash out emotionally, I want to do my best, but I usually tap out 15 minutes early because I don't feel like exerting myself fully. I give into my vices a lot before I finally give them up (usually after I've gone past the point of no return - and miraculously return LOL). 

I guess what I realized today is that I am deeply insecure about my progress. It still feels as though I have a long ways to go. Progress is progress until you see people in the far off distance - then you wonder if you'll ever catch up.

Day went well. I found a youtube arm workout I can stick to, it is (of course) challenging despite being very simple. Such is life. Hopefully a month from now it's a little easier. 

I am going to aim for 8 hrs tonight, otherwise I'm not sure I'll make it into work tomorrow. 

- vetiveroil