KAYRA
September 1st, 2025
Something I'm struggling with a lot lately is both breaking free from that as well as accepting the drawbacks that come with that. I'm no longer hiding from people (physically at least). I think I am becoming visible now, and that's really terrifying because it feels like I'm relinquishing the right to determine which light I'm being seen in, who is seeing me, and what they choose to do with what they're seeing/gathering, etc. It makes me deeply uncomfortable.
Particularly, I thought about my tendency to hide from men. It sounds so so silly and immature, but I think I have a genuine fear of male attention and what it comes with. I reflected on the encounters I keep having as of late: catcalling, men (strangers, and the ones I know personally) making sexually charged comments towards me, feeling like a lot of weird intense energy is being directed my way when I literally am just living..it's very intimidating. I thought of one encounter that seemed the most balanced. Brief as it was, I feel as though it was the perfect landing for me. The man showed a healthy level of restraint (even when my boundaries were admittedly very porous) and that made me feel safe enough to truly desire him (also a first), instead of simply responding to his desire by leaning in or pulling back. His energy was warm, but passionate. Not so intensely focused which triggers my instinct to flee.
I feel like a freak when it comes to things like that. My therapist, during our last session urged me to consider that humans are sexual beings (something I know and understand cognitively) and to simply observe and correct the behavior when it's unwarranted, but not necessarily to judge. I feel like someone's uptight, puritan parent - but I really just don't appreciate how it makes me crawl out of my skin whenever I simply want to exist or gradually lean into them - and then they blast me with all of this heavy weird energy that makes me feel like the prey animal being stalked in a National Geographic documentary.
I hate feeling like I'm being stalked or preyed upon, and lately, I'm getting that feeling a lot. I miss the days where I was purely invisible. Where people treated me like a pariah. Is that weird to say? There is a security there (I guess the familiarity that was good to me.
Today I also realized I’m searching for things in very inappropriate places/ways. Like connection through sex, affection through giving, peace through avoidance, etc.
Today was a fun day. I realized that socializing is as much a part of the self-care line up as exercising and sleeping well. It's something I'm learning to incorporate more and more. Also on wanting to widen my worldview, I'm teaching myself to go ahead and try new things instead of simply waiting until I'm deeply bored with whatever it is I've done for the upteenth time and agressively change directions. Change doesn't have to feel so destabilizing, it can be as simple as choosing to go to the beach instead of staying home. And sometimes that spontaneous decision won't align with the world's plans (example, weather was largely crummy today) - that's not a sign that I'm being divinely punished for choosing wrong.
It simply means things weren't aligned at that time. That's a mindset I'll have to apply to more than one situation.
The sleeping pills are kicking in now, so I'm calling it a night.
- vetiveroil
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