DEFICIT

August 23rd, 2025

Today was rough. I woke up at 7am, despite being roughly 8hrs in sleep debt. I felt I should make the most of it all, so after a nice carb-filled breakfast, I decided to walk a trail.

I was intending to walk 6 miles total (3 miles to and back), but only did about 4 and some change. I wanted a little treat, so I got myself a soft serve with sprinkles. I felt like total shit after, so I went home and lied in bed. The day didn’t really pick up from there.

I’m not completely spiraling, but I just can’t shake this heaviness. I decided to clean my room and do my laundry for the week, and hopefully that brings something close to peace into the space. I’m burning some incense before bed to help.

Aside from eating like complete shit, I’m just feeling tired. I’m wondering if I have any deficiencies happening, because it feels like I just can’t be bothered. No energy. No will to do things. I have the absolute bare minimum available: work, workout, make some dinner, wait it out until the weekend.

I have living like that. I haven’t answered any text messages from anyone, and honestly don’t feel like talking. Today I was craving affection and it manifested itself as a desire to have sex. I know that’s not the need, just the itch. Of course, my erotic life is non-existent so I got neither.

I stumbled across some of my very first progress pictures and I was so shocked. It felt like I didn’t realize how huge I actually was. It’s crazy, because there are days where I feel huge now, but the contrast couldn’t be more apparent. It’s crazy how change happens so gradually before it’s sudden. Where’d all of me go? It shrunk!

I’m still grappling with insecurities I swore would’ve vanished with the weight loss, even more so now. It’s sad, but true, people are..kinder now? Relatives are surprised to see me, men pay attention to me now, women are otherwise indifferent. I’m kinder now, but the funny thing is that past version of me needed the most compassion.

So lost, and insecure, and troubled. I’m still all of those things, and maybe I’ll look back a year from now and feel the same pity for current me. My mind kept drifting off to [redacted] and all of the things I feel I missed with him. Maybe it’s a figment of my imagination because none of these things we’re explicitly offered, but in my mind, it felt possible, and I guess what I’m grieving is the shriveling of that possibility. It’s been a long time since I imagined possibility at all.

I felt an overwhelming sense of depression during my walk today. Like I had exhausted most of my free will, and I felt trapped. It felt like the first time I ever watched the movie Woman in the Dunes. So austere, so heavy.

I want to keep doing more physical activities. It feels good to have that level of mobility, and it also feels more rewarding than eating all of emotions, which is something I used to do. The positive thing about today is that I’m no longer spiraling. The negative thing is that I’m just..numb?

I thought about what it is that might be feeding the apathy. Am I suppressing my desires? My needs? Am I forfeiting my own autonomy in order to keep a sense of control over my own destiny? Am I just lonely? Am I ashamed of that? I saw an interesting case study about one of my favorite artists, and it made me realize why I am so drawn to him.

Sometimes, I also sell myself out for cheap thrills if what I truly desire seems scary or out of reach. And those cheap thrills are genuinely addictive. It’s not until much later that I realize I’ve cleared my life of all sources of healthy and genuine pleasure to keep feeding my addiction and avoidance.

Right now, my main addiction is solitude. It’s so overwhelming and confusing to be around people, so I always want to be alone. Yet, I’m still realizing that being in harmonious connection is something that’s particularly meaningful to me. It’s one of the reasons why I was so drawn to [redacted] he seemed so easy-going, social, non-reactive. Like someone that would genuinely be loved by everybody, and that’s not something I relate to at all, if anything I’ve sensed that I have a very prickly relationship to other people. My circle is as narrow as my world sometimes, very limited and that’s something I’m working on expanding.

What’s frustrating is losing the comfort that food used to bring me. I know days like this, binging might make me feel better. I haven’t exactly had a model day nutritionally, but I feel nothing. Eating feels so physiological, clinical even. It’s devoid of any pleasure which leaves me feeling empty.

Today was indicative of life as of late. Me trying to do right by myself, and failing miserably. 

My plans haven't actualized very smoothly when it comes to health - I rate myself like a solid 4.5/10. I feel very low energy these days, and maybe I'm not drinking enough water or staying on top of my micronutrients. Like most of my life right now, I'm working on it.

I know life is a constant work in progress, but sometimes the endless toil seems more trouble than it's worth. I'm reminding myself that movement is the conduit of life, and that to remain unchanged means being a corpse!

I keep having to read into my desires, because I know underneath lies a need. 

If not examined, I eventually start gnawing at my own tail.

- vetiveroil